Terrorists Hate Cars...or Maybe Just Me

I think I need an in-home nanny....the whole getting the terrorists up, dressed, in the car and off to daycare is enough to drive a saint bat-shit crazy.  Well, that and getting them home.

Shit, anywhere considered a public place is a crap shoot.

I don't know what it is about getting ready and being in the car, but my toddlers turn into drunk sorority girls with white girl problems as soon as the door slams.

Here's a recap of this morning:

6:00AM - Wake up Lannie - she cries because she wants her peepee diaper ON!
Change diaper amid protests and flailing.  Remind her that she could just use the toilet like the rest of us and solve the whole problem.  Suggestion not taken seriously
6:10 - Dress unreasonable toddler amidst protests (she wants to wear a knitted sweater...not a logical t-shirt on a 70 degree day)
6:20 - Head to bathroom to brush tiny terrorists teeth.  Hear a thud from TT's room and immediate hysterics.  Run to room and find she has thrown herself on the floor at the atrocity of not being carried to the bathroom
6:22 - More hysterics - mom used the Frozen toothpaste not the Dora toothpaste....(I'm now looking online for  ambien toothpaste)
6:25 - CARRY tiny princess to bedroom to wake up brother
6:28 - Move the herd of toddlers downstairs for shoes and drinks that have already been pre-made.
6:30 Jaxon wants to wear his hard had to daycare and bring his bunny, a pillow and a full sized blanket.  When he hears the word no his knees buckle and he falls to the floor sobbing like one of those drunk college girls who caught her boyfriend cheating on her.
6:33 - Shoes and jackets are on and drinks are passed out
6:34 - We almost made it through the front door...Lannie realized that she has white milk in her cup and her brother has OJ. Milk is obviously poisonous and I'm trying to kill her with it - she flops again....go to fridge and get OJ for the princess (I'm annoyed but not stupid...I plan for some of this shit)
6:36 - Half carry half drag the terrorists to the car (And think about leaving them there and calling a taxi)

6:43 - We are all in the car and the bickering and whining begins.  They both want different drinks, they want nuggets when we pass by McDonald's (It's 6-fucking-thirty-in-the-morning is apparently not an acceptable answer and crying ensues) they want a lollypop from the beer store (yep...I drink because they cry).

They even argue while hunting for Easter Eggs

6:48 - My breaking point is when Jaxon tells me Lannie made an ugly face at him and she says he mad a noise at her. They both start screaming at each other so I tell Lannie to stick her fingers in her ears and tell Jax that his sister just looks ugly naturally -quit looking at her.  I silently wonder if these nice road worker men would watch my kids till my husband comes to retrieve them....and I plan my get away.

This afternoon won't be much different - they'll argue about what's on the TV (yes in the fucking car...they will argue about a TV show in a vehicle over a 10 minute drive)  They'll both make faces and cry about it, they'll sob when we blow past McDonalds.  Jaxon will tell me how much he hates dinner and only loves chicken nuggets.  I will still dream of leaving them with the city workers....

Instead we'll hit the liquor store.  Mommy gets a drink kids get lolly pops....we'll tackle the rest of the night with a combination of threats and bribes.

I need that bottle on the right....

I'm seriously thinking of getting a limo with one of those roll up dividers.  I think we'd all be much happier...

Seriously who has 2 toddlers at on time on purpose?  Why didn't anyone warn me about this?!?!?!

Do Not Embarrass Me In Public!!

Have you seen the video of the mom pulling her son out of the riot?  I'm sure you have...EVERYONE has seen it.  
 Here it is in case you live under a rock:

 It got me to thinking about my kids and the way I discipline them.  I've been called strict, too strict, sometimes even mean.  Sometimes I think those statements are true and think that I maybe I should give my kids a break.  After I've screamed big red's face off or given one of the babies a swat I sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right thing and whether or not they'll hate me when they're older.

I've noticed a trend in parents being friends with their kids and this softer friendlier approach to parenting.  That is NOT me.  I am not soft or friendly when dealing with unruly children I've given birth to.  I expect my kids to behave, be respectful, follow my instructions and most importantly DO NOT EMBARRASS ME IN PUBLIC! (clearly they all have hearing issues because I must give orders exactly 5 times and scream like a banshee on the 5th one to get a response)

Anyway, they know these rules, they also know I will not hesitate remove them from public in the most embarrassing way or swat them in the middle of WalMart if they're being a jackass.  I don't scream in public but I do grit my teeth and mutter warnings like "If you do not quit crying this instant I will give you something to cry about". 

What I have noticed is that I'm not the norm. Twice I've had someone make a comment to me about the way I chose to discipline my children.  Twice I've told a complete stranger to mind their own business or they'd be the next to receive an ass whipping....I know....Classy right?  (Before you assume that I'm pile driving my kids into the concrete floor in the cracker aisle -  I don't beat them.  However, I will yank an arm or swat their legs) 

Watching that mom pull her kid out of a dangerous situation and give him a reminder of who's boss made me realize I'm doing just fine.  Some of you do well with the nice friendly approach.  Some of you have have naturally amiable kids (if that's you - screw you man) some of you are raising hoodlums.

My mother put the fear of god into me.  I'm 34 and live across the country from her.  I still wouldn't talk back or be nasty to her.  Not even in an email.  Not to mention I had no less than 12 aunts and uncles in any situation that were fully prepared to slap the shit out of me if I acted up.  I don't hate any of them and I have no arrest record.  I think there's a correlation there...

My children don't have to like me, but they will respect me.  They will respect me and other adults and any laws or rules or they will face my wrath (and anyone else who I've deemed acceptable - which means any adult that sees them acting up.  Seriously, feel free to knock some sense into them - please).  I'm ok saying that my kids are more scared of the consequences at home than they are of those at school or other places.  That's my job.  Maybe that fear will keep my hoodlums out of a riot or out of a jail cell.

Hopefully it will keep us both off  of CNN.  If it doesn't get ready for a show....that's rule #1 in my house DON'T EMBARRASS ME IN PUBLIC!!! 

Mommy Buys a New Phobia

I wish I had a good funny blog for you today but we've had a sick terrorist.
I haven't done much but be at her little unreasonable beck and call since Friday, so if something happened I missed it in passing.

I do have a "Here's your sign moment" from Children's Hospital....

So, I had no idea girl terrorist was even sick.  She wasn't extraordinarily fussy or puking or pooping on furniture like the rest of my kids do when they're sick.  She was just a little clingy.

Doesn't look sick does she?

Anyway, I only noticed that she felt warm as I passed by and kissed her on the forehead.  When I got the thermometer out and took her temperature it read 104.6!
 (I couldn't remember what dying temp was so I wasted another 20 minutes googling "when will a fever kill a two year old" - according to Google  it's somewhere from 104-107.  Helpful.  Also, NEVER google your kids health.  I was able to diagnose her with no less than 17 life threatening conditions in under 10 minutes.)

I gave up and called the nurse line at Children's.  She initially told me to bring tiny in then said not to, just watch her temp and bring her in before 105...(which was why I was going to bring her in at 104.6...but whatever)  We motrin-ed up and waited.  The fever broke and then it spiked to 104.9.  I gave her Tylenol and headed in to Children's.

Of course her fever broke the second they called us into triage.  I gave them my story and he took her vitals and sent us to a room.  Doc came and and I gave her the same spiel. So now I'm sitting in a room at the ER with a basically perfect looking kid with no fever, no runny nose, no gash, no broken bones.  Telling this lady that my kid did have a stupid high fever only 15 minutes ago and it's happened twice already today.

All while sick fever child is playing happily in the corner totally not helping me to convince the doctor lady that she is actually sick.  When the Dr. asked her how she felt she even said " pretty good" in her happy little voice.  (I called her a damn traitor in my head) 

Anyway we get dismissed with a diagnosis of a cold (because I think she felt sorry for me) but she did give me the following instruction:
"High fever wont do any damage until it hits 107 degrees.  But if she peaks over 105 bring her back.  Oh, and keep an eye out -  if her fever spikes fast she could have febrile seizures.  Definitely bring her in if she has those"

WHAT??? Just like that?  By the way she could have seizures?!?! Thanks for that bit of info...I wasn't worried enough but add seizures to the mix.  That totally calms me.

And since I brought her here for nothing once already It's super likely that I'll need your persuasion to bring her in if she starts seizing on my couch.  Not sure I needed the extra info, but I'll be sure to freak out and have a mini-stroke every time she flinches or sneezes...because that could be the beginning of febrile seizure of course.  Commence creepy staring at the 2-year old for the rest of the day...

We were generally able to maintain a normal temp with Tylenol and Motrin and by Monday night the fever was gone as suddenly as it came.

This might be spider man...or a seizure....

No clue what caused it, but now I think one of my kids is always on the verge of a seizure...awesome.  Thanks Doctor lady...


What did I do this weekend?  Not much, just paid $60 to catch a new phobia.
How was your weekend?

What Ever Happened To Consequences

I'm posting this in hopes that someone might have the magic answer for me.

Maybe some of you have gone through this or maybe you're a teacher and have dealt with the other side of this shit show.  Maybe you have some advice for me.  Maybe I'm doing the right thing and just need to keep on course.  Maybe I'm way off base....either way let me know.  We all know I can take criticism so don't be afraid to offend me or hurt my feelings.

A few things first.  The email I'll post below is to the dean of students about Big Red and my (almost) decision to not enroll her in summer school.  I sent it to the dean of students in response to a letter they sent home about Red being eligible for summer school and the fact that if she gets C's or higher in this final quarter she might be exempt from summer school all together and get to go to 7th grade.

The letter came home and I signed it but she forgot to turn it in....THIS is my CONSTANT issue with her.  The child FORGETS EVERYTHING!!!  She is smart and could easily pass 6th grade but she just doesn't turn in her homework.  I sit at home with her EVERY school night and make sure she does all of her work.  She only actually turns in about 1/4 of it.  The rest gets lost in space somewhere I guess.  Same for school work - she just doesn't bring it home to finish it.

This has been a constant issue since Kindergarten.  Teachers have gone above and beyond their job duties to help her succeed.  I have gone above and beyond what she should require (I'm the one that opens the book bag and checks for the homework and tells her what she needs to do).

Nothing helps and I think it's in part due to the fact that she's never had any real consequences outside of being grounded at home.  She's never failed.  She magically ends up with C's and D's and goes on to the next grade.  They even assigned her a special teacher that helps her make up the shit she blew off in class the day before.  So essentially she gets to not do her work, have 2 extra days and extra help from her personal teacher. Where is the consequence in that?  Is there any reason for her to change her behavior?

Again, let me stress the fact that Big Red IS NOT, slow or struggling with the actual concepts she's being taught.  She repeatedly gets A's and B's on the work and tests that she actually does.

Anyway, the dean of students requested that she have me at least email him to let him know I got the original letter or she would be sent to lunch detention.

Well, I wasn't gonna send the letter - finally a consequence right?  Before I did that I called my mom and asked her opinion...bad plan.  She told me she'd send the letter and I decided that I'd better send the letter (cause my mama said so and I'm still scared of her). I also took the time to let him know where i stood on the whole issue of summer school.

What I'm asking for now is your opinion...and thoughts, suggestions....  Am I going overboard for not enrolling her in summer school.  (In addition to just enrolling her it'll cost me $300 and I have to find a way to get her there and back every day at 8AM and Noon)

I can't guarantee I'll take any of your advice but I'd love to hear it....

***Update***
Just got a call from the dean.  The short  version of the conversation is that Red will most certainly be a candidate for summer school in English (possibly one or 2 other subjects).  However, in their eyes she isn't a candidate for retention (being held back) because she does grasp the concept of the material and "data" shows that retention doesn't change behaviors.  But, if she fails summer school AND continues the pattern in 7th grade we can then talk about re-assigning her back to 6th grade.(That sounds like a whole hell of a lot of wasted time and money for a maybe...but I'm no child expert)

Honestly I feel like he was trying to pacify me with the last part and I don't think it will have any effect on her behavior.  She has already accepted the fact that she will loose her summer and doesn't seem to be bothered by it. (Already using it as an excuse to not do work this year) 

When I told him this he did suggest that for a consequence  we could make her work off the cost of summer school ($125-$300).  Not a bad idea if I concede to summer school...which I haven't yet.  (I can always just not pay and not bring her)

So add any ideas for summer jobs to my request for suggestions.  Things that are not fun!
Know of any child labor sweatshops hiring?

***4/22/15***
A 3rd update.  Two things happened recently
1) I think I found a "summer job" of babysitting (for free) in the even Big Red goes to summer school
2) Big Red has pulled her grades up to A's, B's and C's - she's not completely out of the woods, but there is a possibility.  I did tell her I was considering summer school but she'd have a job ALL summer and I hadn't decided yet. (I also told her she gets 1 shot at summer school for the next 12 years so she better really need it when she decides to use it...)

While I'm happy she's doing good it drives me crazy that she clearly has the potential for good grades any time she wants...she just dosen't choose to.


As a side note to my mom:
Holy shit..I did this to you in High school...OMG I'm sorry!  Here's my public apology.

I am SO SORRY for being a difficult asshole teenager...now please remove the curse! 

You're Killin Me Gwyn...

I had a version of this on my FB, but decided to post it here to elaborate.
I ran across this link a while ago and it bothered me.
The more I saw it and heard about it the more it bothered me.

(Here's one of the Links Gwyneth Takes The Snap Challenge)

Basically Gwyneth decided to try living off of a SNAP (or food stamp budget for a week).  The number she used was $29.00/week.  I assume she just took that number as correct from Mario Batalli (who challenged her) without doing any homework, because with a quick internet search I found that is not necessarily true. 

$29 is an arbitrary number pulled from someones ass - if she's trying to bring attention to the cause she should use the worst possible case...meaning the lowest income section who receives the largest benefit.  A 15-second web search brings up the Maximum Monthly Allotment Chart
(you can find it here)

People in Household	Maximum Monthly Allotment
1	$   194
2	$   357
3	$   511
4	$   649
5	$   771
6	$   925
7	$ 1,022
8	$ 1,169
Each additional person	$    146

Not that it's much, but by my calculations Each person gets $37.44 max a week.
(Family of 4 gets $649 a month,
$649/12(months)=$7,788.00/Year,
$7,788/52(weeks in a year)=$149.77/per family per week OR $37.44per person)

First, let me say understand what she's trying to do but she really only succeeded in showing every "Average American" how out of touch with reality she actually is. If she wanted to make a point she should have done some research.  What she did was make herself look like an out-of-touch ass.

I've never had to use SNAP, but I have been on tight budgets before.  I can tell you the first thing I did was research.  Whether it was looking for low cost high volume recipes or just looking for the sales adds for meat, I checked in to my current real life situations.

Secondly, if I were in a position to have to use SNAP benefits you can be damn sure that I'd know EXACTLY what my weekly allotment would be.  She did none of this...just took a half-assed idea and ran with it. Thought she'd make a point and show us regular Joe's shes one of us.
Well, to me it's more like a slap in the face to anyone that has had to budget or live of of less than what they need. 

On top of that she's doing this for herself NOT her whole family.  Hell, I can live off of $29/week.  Ever heard of ramen and sandwiches?  Whats hard is trying to budget for a family with children - notice she didn't broach that subject.

Maybe her kids can't be subjected to such things, maybe in her epic planning session she forgot that part (along with any actual planning).  Either way feeding yourself on $29/a week is doable and really not pity-inducing in my book.  Trying to feed a family of 4 on $150/week that could get tricky and I might have commended her for that.

So here's what Mrs. Goop bought:


And here are more of my issues...

•  Snap stands for SUPPLEMENTAL NUTRITIONAL ASSISTANCE PROGRAM not whole grocery bill assistance program.  While you used your $29 on this the government has factored in that you'll also be using 30% of your own resources on food.
• Even if she's using $29/week/per person...she has a family of 4 right? Either she bought her limes and beans at the same place she buys her heels or she couldn't actually commit to living like an Average American (see our kids aren't exempt from our budgets here in the rest of America) 
• Sister needs a shopping lesson - unless someone is gifting her a case of coronas what the fuck is she gonna do with all those limes?
• Sister needs a shopping lesson - she has 2 kids to feed for a week and there's not a single pack of chicken nuggets or mac and cheese??? Not the case in my house. 
• She missed her own point - "how hard it is to live on snap" (I'm assuming that's what she was going for)  I think any parent that has lived on a budget will agree; you will eat canned pork and beans for a week if it means your kids can have the food they like/need. (I don't see 7 limes as necessary or one ear of corn acceptable)  Maybe im off off base, but if I had her grocery haul the only ones eating would be the cows out back!  That clearly isn't kid friendly food.

And who the hell buys 1 ear of corn????  Are they each gonna get 1/4 of the cob?  COME ON!!! Trade in the limes and get a few chicken thighs..kids eat chicken Gwenny...just ask their nanny

Maybe I'm being harsh, but if you're going to try and raise awareness for a group of people at least try and understand what their actual challenges are.  Hell, even Paris Hilton was able to accomplish that with her "Simple Life" show, so it can't be too hard. It's not like we're an elusive species.
 You're just gonna have to leave Hollywood  to find us.

***As a side note...just to see how I would actually do I tried to plan a weeks worth of meals on the maximum snap budget ($149.77)  I was able to do it for $125.74.

A few things to take into consideration.
I planned this week as 7 full days with all of us eating each meal. (only the kids (2) have snack time).  Usually the kids are at daycare 5 days a week and are served Breakfast, lunch and snacks, but for consistency I just pretended they were home.  Also, we usually eat left overs for lunch at work the next day - I didn't account for that and instead planned separate Lunches.

I tried to be fair in purchasing foods.  There are some items that I will buy store brands of and some items that I will only buy major brands.  I did that here too.  Also, a think to note is that many of these items will carry over into next week relaxing the budget a little (cereal, bread, string cheese...etc)

In conclusion it takes a little more time to plan and match prices but it's doable (even without the 30% of your own resources)  No you can't have steaks every night, or seafood but it is doable.

Take a look for yourself:

 And here are screenshots of my online shopping list (a service I use in real life)

Updating...

I updated the "About Me" section of the blog.
A year has passed and the terrorists are older with more personality- new pictures too.

To The Biggest Terrorist on His Birthday

I've been hanging on to this one for quite a while now...never really having the right time to post it, but then I thought "What if a fucking buss hits me and no one has the password to my account".

I thought 2 things

1. I need to designate an online custodian of all of my stuff
2. Why wait for a good time...I don't even plan my kids why in the hell would I plan a freaking blog post.

This one is for my Bonus Son...Connor.
The original terrorist and the most beautiful disaster.

Haircuts=good=not homeless looking

  I started this around your birthday but got sucked into the vortex of work so I just wrote you a FB post instead.  I'll finish this now...it has a happy birthday meaning, but I'm not rewriting it, so deal.

First I want to tell you that you scared the the holyfuckingbatshit out of me!

Here I was just starting a relationship with D and not only does he have a teen stepson the kid is a fucking NIGHTMARE!!!  (Yeah, I remember your mom and D driving around at all hours of the night.)  On top of that he's a teen...who can speak and choose to hate me.  UGH!

Oooh...and then I got the stories....all of the shit you had done in the past.  Jesus dude....just jesus.
So I had this opinion formed of you from the get-go.  I was pretty certain we wouldn't be that close if at all.  You'd be some dick head young adult that didn't like me and I wouldn't like you. I figured that we'd spend the next years chasing you around and dealing with your shit....if you chose to be a part of our life at all. I wasn't even sure I wanted you around my daughter or Jaxon at first.  I knew you'd be a constant link to your batshit crazy mother who despised me on a good day (I adore her now...but we're talking then)

It was tentative at first.  You met up with D and met the kids, but I wasn't included.  I wanted to be a real bitch and tell Derek and you to both fuck off.  That wasn't the deal you see.  You didn't get to have a relationship with MY husband and MY kids but not include me.  Then I remembered a few things.  You had him first...my husband that is.  You drove him crazy and you two didn't get along, but he was yours first.  I also remember being that kid.  The one who lived through the divorce of my parents when I was little and then the divorce of my mom and step dad when I was a young adult. I still remember what that feels like - your whole life being flipped upside down, ripped open, re-arranged and not having any say in any part of it. It was maddening because while it might not have been a perfect life it was mine and I was comfortable there.  I remember the new girlfriends and spouses.  I especially remember the really shitty one.  The one who didn't like me and made my step-dad choose.  When he didn't choose me I was heartbroken and angry.  Angry was an understatement.  Even worse I felt vulnerable, because I understood clearly after that that our relationship wasn't the same as my mom.  He didn't just HAVE to love me - either of us could walk away without reason.  I thought about that a lot in terms of you and my own daughter.  I never wanted her to feel that way.  That she was just an expendable relationship to Derek - that he could walk away.  I never wanted you to feel that way either.

So on your birthday (along with cash of course) I want you to know some things.  Things that might seem trivial now (cause at 22 and broke - $200 is way better than all the warm fuzzies in the world.  It's cool I know this...I was 22 and broke once too)

Most importantly you will NEVER be replaceable.  You are not an option or a relationship that I could ever walk away from.  You are NO different to me than any of my other 3 (you can buy booze and you don't shit your pants anymore so you actually have a leg up...but don't tell them that)  There is nothing on this planet that you could do or say to change this. If Derek dies tomorrow and I am left with no "real" connection to you I will still be your bonus mom.  I will hunt you down and check up on you and take care of you and tell you you're being a dumb-ass when you are.

Secondly, I was correct....you are a disaster.  But like I said earlier you are a beautiful disaster.  Every bad choice, and shitty plan and failed attempt has made you who you are.  It's made you humble and funny and gracious and loving.  No matter where you go or what you do don't ever lose those qualities.  You have the ability to laugh at yourself  - don't ever lose that either.  Life is a mother fucker.  It never gets easy the bills never go away.  The struggles change but generally they just get more expensive.

You will make some hideous decisions in life.  You will embarrass yourself and probably us too in the process. Don't ever let that stop you from moving forward.  I promise to tell you when you are being a moron and give you unsolicited advice even though I know you'll only take abut 2% of it. I also promise that none of that will ever change our love for you.  We will always be your home, the place you can come to if you need to get away or if you have no where else to go or if you just want family time.  You don't need to make an appointment or call.  If we're not home sit your ass down in your living room and wait...you ARE a part of this family.  This isn't limited by the amount of screw ups or how often we see you or what order we see you on for Christmas.  This just is.

You remind me so much of myself growing up.  Especially the whole tendency to take the most difficult path even though the easy one has been laid out 900 times by one of your parents...it's cool...been there and I'm still pretty much like that. It's ok to take our advice, but I get it when you don't.

Thank you for choosing to be a part of our family.  I know you could have walked away.  Thanks for taking that chance knowing I could have been a horrible bitch to deal with.  Thanks giving me someone to relive "the crazy days" with and for giving me a kid that I can hang out with and talk to and not have to monitor homework or bodily functions.  Thanks for getting my skewed sense of humor and not getting offended when I call you a dumb ass or laugh at your most recent debacle.

Lastly, I have one request for you.
You are the oldest of our kids and the one who remembers it from the beginning.  If anything ever happens to us it will be up to you to keep the little guys together and to keep our memories and stories alive, but most importantly when we are old and senile you will be in charge of setting up our nursing home.  Make sure all of those little bastards chip in because I don't wanna be holed up in Good Sam. in freaking Greeley.  I expect Boca or somewhere on the coast.  If you fuck this up I WILL haunt you....just saying.

Happy Birthday to my Biggest Terrorist  !  May you continue to grow and get better with age (and get more haircuts) but never change who you are on the inside.  That's already perfect.

I love you all the skittles in the world!

You're Not Gonna Hurt My Feelers

This is another one of those "I read this blog and it's not at all what I'd say" blogs.

I read a blog over on Scary Mommy (one of my favorite websites to kill time ever ) about the 10 things never to say to a working mom.  The blog was sarcastic and funny and in some ways true, but still not what I'd respond with.

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that there isn't much that you can't say to me.  I'm just not that type of person.  It's pretty much a free for all and I don't get easily offended.  You should however, be prepared for what I might respond with.  I'm not mean or aggressive (most of the time)  but any number of things can come tumbling out of my mouth.
See, I'm not good at glossing up my replies or making things sound nice.  I don't have that filter...the unadulterated truth just comes gushing out.  (How I've ever progressed beyond a first interview to an actual job I'm still not sure)

Bottom line I think people are just too sensitive these days...in regards to EVERYTHING!  There's this trend to make everything seem perfect and fun and easy and never hurt anyone feelings or say anything negative and it's TOTAL bullshit.  Life isn't always pretty, parenting isn't always fun or rewarding.  If you can't be honest and bitch about the bad how can you even know when it's good in comparison. 

Anyway - here's the article with the original responses scratched out and mine added in...
(Read the original Article Here)

10 Things People Say That Drive Working Moms Crazy

1. You’re so lucky to get a break. Seriously? I don’t know where you’re coming from, but in my universe shimmying into pantyhose at 6:30 a.m. to go do office chores (or in the case of other mamas, teach other people’s kids, perform surgery, code, operate heavy machinery and so on) is not a break. And do you honestly mean a break from my kids? I don’t want or need a daily break from the two people I can’t stop thinking about during the eight hours I spend chained to my desk.
Well I don't know if it's actually a break, but yeah it's easier than trying to wrangle my two terrorists for a full 8 hours.  Maybe it's cause I work in the construction industry, but I get to wear jeans, work boots and say fuck as much as I want ALL DAY LONG!  Better than any of that I can tell people to wait or I'll get back to them and there's NOT A DAMN THING THEY CAN DO....other than wait.  Most of them don't cry like my own kids, but some do.  I get to call those people names that I can't call my kids (out loud).

2. You’re missing out on so much. Trust me, I know, but thanks for the friendly reminder. Even though my childcare provider is sweet enough to keep her mouth shut, there’s a good chance that my kids’ first steps and first words actually happened on her watch instead of mine. But last time I checked, we’re all missing out on something by virtue of there being only 24 hours in a day. And for all you know, your little one said her first words for grandma or the sitter.
Yes, I miss some of the good shit, but let's be honest... I'm on number 3 now and unless the baby terrorist learns how to do back flips or can recite The Odyssey from memory I've probably seen it before.  It's not that I'm not proud of her, but did I tell you that when I'm at work I don't have to share my candy? 

 

They're adorable but not they're not necessarily pioneers in the field of growing into people- the older sister did it all first

3. You look exhausted! You don’t say… or rather, you shouldn’t say because hearing about how haggard I look is not going to erase the wrinkles from my tired old face. Am I supposed to thank you for your concern? Because unless you’re going to follow up that statement with a gift certificate from Canyon Ranch, please reconsider letting it come out of your mouth.
Yes, I am exhausted.  Thanks for noticing, because these little bastards don't seem to notice; EVER.  Maybe you can tell them and make them understand I just want 5 minutes to pee alone and shift gears to from project manager to mommy mode.  Because if I don't I'm going to speak to them like they're a 30 year old man on one of my job sites and no one wants that.  They already curse enough, no need to add to their skills.  

Seriously on this one, I have no problem with people telling me I look exhausted.  I usually am.  It's a mad rush from 6AM to 8PM to get babies ready get them to day care, do my own job with deadlines and come back home and make dinner and do the usual evening stuff.  I know I'm no different than any other working mom but, when someone tells me I look tired It opens the gate for me to tell them everything I do and for a few minutes I feel like fucking superwoman.  So bring it...just be ready for me to tell you all of the shit I do that you probably do too....but tell me how awesome I am anyway ok?

10 Things People Say That Drive Working Moms Crazy

10 Things People Say That Drive Working Moms Crazy

10 Things People Say That Drive Working Moms Crazy

4. Do you really have to work? First off, none of your damn business. Maybe I do, in which case the sacrifices I make would probably be that much easier to bear without judgmental people putting in their two cents. Or maybe I am super passionate about my career and love that I am able to show my kids that women can do anything they set their minds to do. Either way, what you’re really asking is whether I can afford to stay home or if I secretly want to get away from my children, and both questions are just plain rude on so many levels.

No, but I like shit.  My kids like shit.  It keeps them quiet and I don't end up on the news.  If I didn't work, not only would I have to spend all day with them (without all of that fun shit that my job allows us to afford) but  we'd be stuck home all weekend not doing things with no fun shit.  I don't like redundancy.

I don't have to work, but I like to.  Not just for the material things, but because I actually enjoy my job.  (Remember...jeans, boot, cursing...no sharing of candy) I really do.  I've worked hard in my field to get where I am.  There aren't a lot of women so it feels like a constant achievement as well.  I'm also realistic enough to know that I am a much better working mom than I am a stay at home mom.  That used to be hard for me to say and not feel guilty about...until I took 6 weeks off for maternity leave for the tiny terrorist.  By the end of the leave it wasn't fun for any of us.  I was stressed over money, the kids were driving me insane and I felt like I had given up part of my identity.  They didn't enjoy me and I didn't enjoy them.  With me working and the kids in daycare they're actually happy to see me every afternoon.  I wouldn't trade that daily reminder and those hugs and kisses for all off the time off in the world.  

If that doesn't seal the deal come on over and I'll show some of the shit we have.... ;)

5. I read that kids in childcare are more aggressive. Or score lower on tests. Are less attached. Grow up to be drug dealers. Whatever. I know the studies. There is no conclusive replicable evidence that kids who go to daycare are doomed, so can it. Why would you even think I need you to tell me how I’m screwing up my kid? Or if that’s how we’re going to play, I guess you’re OK with me making a list of all the ways you’re screwing up yours?
 I also heard that kids with parents who think  their kids are better than other kids grow up to be dicks.  

I also have this notion that it's not daycare or one particular choice you make in you child's life that defines them it's who you are, who you raise your children to be, what you allow as acceptable behavior.  

It's how they see you act as a member of your own family and as a member of society.
 (At this rate they should have an amazing marriage, cook like a champ, and know every curse word in the dictionary and how to use it with flair.)

But if you tell them they're gonna be shitty people when they grow up because of my choices one of us is gonna kick your ass...it'll probably be the little one...

She looks sweet but she will cut you

6. Don’t you miss them? Of course I fucking miss them! Unless you’re prepared to tell me that you’re not sure if you’d miss your kids, it sounds an awful lot like you’re implying that I don’t.

Honestly, not as much as you'd think.  I know that sounds horrible but I'm being honest not perfect right.  Go ahead...ask me how the hell can I say that.

Because it's the truth.  And yes one day I'll admit this to the terrorists.  They need to know that I love them, but not that everything in my life revolves around them.  The are the missing piece that completes our family but they are not the pinnacle of it.    And my terrorists are 2 and 3...that means shit and snot - OFTEN.  On stuff like couches, faces, dogs, walls...that is not fun.  I do not miss snot and poop and meltdowns and lost Popsicle in the couch.  

You know what I miss...Me. And for 8-10 hours a days I get to hang out with her again.  She doesn't have to run to to console a broken hearted little girl because the dog licked her toe, she doesn't have to stop for the 10th time to tell the boy to let go of his penis and hold his sandwich with both hands.  She doesn't worry every time those terrorists leave her sight that something is happening to them.  

And for 8 glorious hours she doesn't second guess every decision she's made or comment she's said or wonder if she's royally fucking up 3 of the only perfect things shes ever been given.  

For 8 hours she gets to be just Ashley.  I get to be just another working adult judged on my accomplishments alone (not the fact that my daughter tells everyone she has a penis), I get to eat candy by myself, I get to curse correctly and tell dirty jokes, I get to call my husband and really listen to him, sometimes I even  get to sneak off to lunch with him.

There used to be "Just Ashley"  all fun and booze...she's gone now but I still like to visit her every once in a while

 

I don't get to sneak off with hm as often as I'd like to

So yeah...It's not as bad as you'd think.  It's all what you make of it.

7. You must be so organized! Sometimes this statement is followed by “I could never do all you do,” but let me tell you that if you were in my shoes, you’d figure it out fast. I’m not going to beat around the bush – being a working mom is hard. And if you’re not organized, it’s not just hard, it’s hell. And so I work my ass off to be as organized as I can because if I didn’t, our lives would descend into chaos.
HAHAHA!!! Why yes, yes I am.  I'm the mother of organization.  Thank you for noticing.  
No, I have no clue where the boy's other shoe is and I think we're missing a cat...but I made a motherfucking dinner plan for the week...and i might even cook it all.  Go ahead and bow down to mother organization.

8. It must be so hard for you. Yup, it is. Being a working mom does not mean that I can magically afford a maid, a chef, and a live-in nanny. All the stuff at home that I was on the hook for during my SAHM years is still on my plate. I cook. I clean. I bring home the bacon and I fry it up in a pan. Here’s an idea – if your husband cooks and cleans and brings home the bacon on top of it all, why not thank him today? Because if you think it’s so hard for me, clearly it’s hard for him, too.


Some days yes.  Other days no...like when I got online and booked that week long adult only vacation to the Dominican Republic.  That day pretty much rocked it. 
Some days shit goes according to plan and it's good, ho-hum even.  Some days Lannie shits on my carpet, Jaxon steps in it and wipes it on the dog.  Some days the kids are dicks and it's all I can do to just get dinner on the table and not beat one of them.  Some days everyone is in a good mood and we actually have fun.  Most days it's a mixture of wondering why we did this, how we can un-do it and oh-my-god-look-at-our-amazing-offspring he/she is a genius/the cutest/the funniest.
It's no different than any other family SAHM or not. 

9. I couldn’t let someone else raise my children. Excuse me, but I am raising my kids. Last I checked, earning money to put food on the table and pay for things like dance lessons IS raising my kids. Or are you telling me that your husband is letting someone else raise his children – that someone being you? After all, he goes to work every day just like I do. Does he know you think he’s less of a parent?

Sweet...so they're going to grow up just as douche-y and condescending as you....

I can.  I'm a horrible teacher and have no patience.  I also have really bad handwriting.   I also have to pay off that Dominican trip and unless you know of any sweatshops hiring it looks like mamma's gotta get a paycheck.

10. Women should be at home with their kids. Um, no. Women should be wherever they damn well please. Full stop.
Look, I try my hardest every day to respect and support ALL moms. Working moms. SAHMs. WAHMs. Moms who seem like they have everything under control. Moms who obviously have nothing under control. I admire all the moms who love their kids and do their best because we all struggle – it’s just that sometimes our struggles are different. Is that a reason to disrespect one another? I say no, and if you agree the best thing you can do is think before you open your mouth.

You are absolutely correct.  They should also have a new wardrobe every year, a nice kid toting minivan, shoes and purses that match, pretty  underwear sets, and great manners...and diamonds ladies need diamonds.  

I'm gonna need all of those....and your credit card number to pay for it.  

I'm also gonna need your checking account info to pay the er physician and a bondsman after I attack you with the intentions of removing your manhood and super gluing it to your forehead.  Because that's a total dick head thing to say...


there - that's my version and I'm sticking to it...