Let me back up by a few weeks.
I recently hijacked a coworkers printout at work. It was unintentional. As I was shuffling through my papers it caught my eye. Before I returned It I asked if it was ok to take a copy. It was a printout of a bible reading system called “professor G Horner’s Bible Reading system” It is a somewhat random system where you read 10 different chapters a day from all different parts of the Bible...so you’re always reading about different things and different lessons etc.
Back to the fucking pool fiasco:
So, I decided to buy a giant ass pool for the back yard. (We have nowhere to put it, hubs didn’t want it and I have literally not a single fucking clue how to take care of a pool....so of course I bought it)
I bought this pool online from Walmart and set it for pick-up. When It arrived I was notified by email to come and get it. By this point the hubs had submitted to our pool ownership so he picked up the pool.
The next day as I’m packing up to leave work I get another email from Walmart saying my pick up item is ready. I don’t remember ordering anything else so I call derek and check with him. Nope, he hasn’t ordered anything either.
Well, it’s quarantine season y’all and I’ve done a metric fuck-ton of online ordering so I’m assuming that I just forgot I ordered something. Either way it ought to be a fun surprise.
I get there, check in and am notified that my item is too big to fit in the pick up box. I’m told someone is wheeling my package up as we speak. (That’s 567 years in Walmart time by the way)
Anyway, the little Walmart man rounds the corner and it’s another giant ass pool!! I wait a bit and make that man call out the owner of the package. Yup, it’s me. I have A good laugh and load that fucker into the truck and head home.
When I pull into the driveway I’m still laughing at the absurdity of now having 2 pools that my husband didn’t want in the first place. (My husband just chuckled and shook his head as he’s used to my shenanigans by now)
But hey...I’ve got a free giant ass pool.
Here’s where that bible reading shit comes in....
Up until this point the Bible sections have been pretty random. Typical bible stuff: don’t kill, plagues, wars, creation, washing feet....
That all changed the night I brought home the devil pool.
I get Ready for bed and read my 10 chapters.
I SHIT YOU NOT- at least 7 of the 10 chapters were about thieves, stealing or being dishonest. I assume that this is all in my head....you know I’m already thinking these things so I’m finding it in everything I read.
This happens for the next 3 nights.
My conscience and the Bible get the better of me so I load up this giant ass pool and decide to bring it back.
Easy right... “Hi Walmart person. I bought one pool and you gave me two. Here have this back, your welcome. Yeah you have a great day too!”
Abso-fucking-lutely not how it went...
Here’s the play by play:
I walk up to the customer service desk and talk to the “service” lady. Well call her CSL.
Me: Um, yeah I bought one pool but you sent me 2 delivery notices so I picked up 2 pool. I’d like to return one.
CSL: Do you have your receipt? I can’t give you a refund without your receipt.
Me: No, I don't have my receipt, but I don’t want a refund I just want to give you your pool back.
CSL: Well I can give you a store credit...
Me: No, look....I bought one pool and I picked up 2. I just want to give you back one. No money, no refunds, I just want to give you back the extra pool.
CSL: Well our system doesn’t work that way. You must have bought 2 by accident. It wouldn’t give you two pools. If you can’t find your receipt or your online order I can give you a refund. If not I’ll just give you a gift card with the refund on that.
Me: (I find My online order and pull up my bank account to verify and show the lady” Here, look. I bought One pool. Paid for one pool. I have 2 please just take this pool and let me leave.
CSL: (confused as all hell at this point) We’ll if you don’t want a refund I don’t have anything to scan and you can’t sign anything so i don’t know how to take the pool back.
Me: ok, I tried. How about I just walk away and we can forget this conversation.
CSL: No, hold on...let me call someone else.
At this point I’m thinking this is my payback...but it gets so much more ridiculous.
Out comes 2nd customer service lady who is equally as dumbfounded. We’ll call her 2. Lady 1 gives her the run down. And she looks at me and says
2: Our system won’t allow you to pick up 2 items. Are you sure you didn’t buy 2 by accident
Me: 200% positive I did not. See. Here is my order, here is my bank statement. Believe me...had I bought $800 in pools instead of $400 in pools I would have most certainly noticed.
2: Well I can give you a store credit for the pool but not a refund cause you don’t have a receipt.
Me: OMG...I don’t want a refund, I don’t want a credit, I don’t want a gift card. I just one of you people in the blue vests to come get this pool out of my truck and take it away from me for the love of god.
2: Looks me dead ass in the eyes and says “I would Have just kept the free pool. Why didn’t you just keep it and sell it or something”
Me: That was the plan...but the damn bible....you know what, never mind. I’ll just take the pool home and sell it. Yes, great idea. I should have thought of that. Thanks!
I have given up and I turn to leave... of course this lady stops me.
2: Well no, not that I know I cant Just give you the pool.
Me: (now laughing in absolute horror because I am realizing I will never leave this fucking store...) ok, well can someone just come take this damn pool out of my truck then.
2: ok, let me call the loss prevention supervisor.
I begin to panic a little here because I worked at Walmart for about a week back in the early 90’s and that’s what we called the people who caught shop lifters.
My fears are gone when I see A 17 year old kid with a red scraggly beard come around the corner. (I can drop him easy and run if I have to)
He has a look of utter confusion on his face but thank the fucking stars he’s got wheely cart.
We’ll call him #3.
One and two give 3 the rundown.
3 turns to me and says “you know I cant Give you a refund without a receipt”
Here we go.....
Me: Yes, I don’t want a refund, or credit. Look I’ve got a $20 in my purse. I will give you $20 if you just wheel this fucking cart to my truck and put the pool in it and take it away and let me go home to my family
3: (Looking at the other 2) I cant just put this in the back without having something to scan...
Me: you know what....give me a refund on a gift card and just keep the card. Please just take this motherfucking pool away from me and let me go home, it’s getting late.
3: Well I cant do that either, but I guess I’ll just go get the pool and figure it out.
Me: YES!!DO THAT!! That is PERFECT!!
So we wheel out to my truck and I open the hatch, 3 stops. “You sure you didn’t pay for 2 pools? Maybe you deserve a refund. Do you want to check again?
Me: No at this point it is worth the $400 to just get rid of this pool so I can leave this place.
3 finally gets to unloading the devil pool. (Remember he’s a scrawny kid) I’m holding the cart and he’s maneuvering the pool. We’re about 3” from freedom when the angels of satan #4 and #5 show up.
They see #3 struggling with this pool and run over and grab the pool box and cram it back INSIDE my truck.
Me: OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!! No! Take it out! Not in!!
Well number 4 or 5 must have been a manager... we give him the rundown and he starts in with “they system doesn’t work that way, need a receipt for a refund....”
By now I’m thinking of just leaving the pool and the truck and getting an Uber and just cutting my losses.
I stop them all when we get to the receipts and credits discussion and say “Look, no refunds, no credits, you can unload this pool and take it away or I am going to get in the back and kick this motherfucker out and leave it in the parking lot. I am two hours into this debacle. For the love of god can you please just take the damn pool”
Thank you tiny baby Jesus they took the pool and I finally got to come home.
We will be setting up our bought-and-paid-for-pool this weekend and moving on.....My conscience feels better but my brain still hurts.
This is how I know God’s got jokes and Walmart is the devil.
....and if you ever accidentally get 2 of something from Walmart just leave it at the fucking door and RUN!!!
Thanks for playing
~Ash
