Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Strep, Ear Aches and Bad Decisions

I've learned a few things this week:
  1. My body is an dick(specifically my ears and tonsils)
  2. Those green nose suckers work just fine for ear aspiration 
  3. When mixed with onion juice, coconut oil  forms a sludge (that smells like coconuts and assholes)
So anyone that knows me knows I'm nowhere near hippie status.  Not even a little crunchy.. but I totally put onion juice in my ear this week. 

On purpose 
and I was sober 
and it created a shit storm of chain reactions.

It all started out with a new doctor visit.
I called my primary care doctor a while back because I had a sinus infection and was told he didn't haven an open appointment for another 3 days.  Super fucking helpful. I explained this to the totally unconcerned appointment setter Nazi lady and her response was to go to urgent care.

Awesome, I sat in urgent care for 3 hours, paid double my copay and thought about how I could blow up the clinic.  But I'm lazy so I decided to find a new doctor instead.

Fast forward 6 weeks and I finally decide to get on that new doctor thing.  Found a great little doctor in Greeley and made my initial appointment.  (apparently now days if you want to be a patient at a doctors office you can't just go when you get sick you have to make an $30 appointment to say hi and introduce yourself)  Fine, whatever.
I go to my initial appointment say hi and leave.  The NEXT DAMN DAY I wake up with a sore throat.  Not a cold, just a really sore throat.  No fever, no cough, no runny nose, but I had a sneaking sensation I was coming down with strep. 

(Cause my body's a dick and a cold just isn't good enough and that's the kind of shit it does to me.)

I make an appointment with Mr. New Doctor...again.  Go see him ($30) and give him the run down and my suspicion.  He looks and pokes and prods, tells me it's just a cold to drink a lot of fluids and eat some honey. (He told me in a nice way to quit being a bitch)  I'm sure he wrote hypochondriac / over-exaggerator in my chart also. 

By the next morning I couldn't swallow, had a fever and white strep-y junk on my tonsils.
I carry my ass back to the doctor for another $30 co-pay. (we're at $90 in less than a week and I don't even have drugs at this point)
Mr. New Doctor confirms my initial self diagnosis and gives me a shot. 

That was Friday.  By Saturday night I feel great.  All is right with the world... ear begins to throb.  A fucking ear ache!  Really?
I decide I'm NOT going back to the doctor.

1) The doctor is going to think I have a thing for him and I'm making shit up as much as I've been in his office.
2)I'm not spending One-hundred-and-twenty-fucking-dollars in one week at the doctors office!

So I hit up google.
Come to find out there's all kinds of shit you can jam in your ears holes that help with an earache! 
I found that onion juice seemed to pop up the most.  I grabbed my onion and got ready to juice that sonofabitch and just couldn't do it.

 I took to Facebook (because that's the next logical step) and asked my 500 best friends if they ever put onion juice in in their ears.  I got all kinds of  concoctions: garlic and oil, just oil, heat, basil, alcohol, hydrogen peroxide.

Instead of trying each one at a different time and waiting even longer in agony I decided to combine a few.  Onion and Oil.

Search the house; no mineral oil...of course.  I had the choice of  vegetable oil or coconut oil. 
(Side note: I have this insane friend who swears by all things coconut oil - she's a fucking lunatic, but she's not dead from it so I went with the coconut oil.)
Squeezed my onion juice into a container, mixed it with a little coconut oil and crammed that right into my ear hole. 

Now this came as a shock to me but that shit WORKED!!!  It actually quit throbbing.

After about 10 minutes I drained it out and noticed that even thought it didn't hurt it felt like my ear was under water.  I could hear out of it but it felt "clogged".  I waited a while, tried to drain it, no change.

Back to Google....cause it's worked so well up until this point.
Let me tell you, people do some weird shit to their ears..... 

Anyway I found out that you can "irrigate" your ear with a bulb syringe. (The green  ones you suck boogers out of your kids with work just fine)

I irrigated the shit out of my ear.  I got some tiny slug looking amoeba out of my ear hole that smelt like an onion mixed with coconut farts and began to question my decision making skills and life choices. 
After recovering from my revulsion  I realized it actually felt a little better...not completely but better.

I figured the rest just needed to drain and I'd have to give it some time.  I make my way back to the kitchen to throw away the ear juice that ruined my night.  Instead of  finding the ear juice that I made earlier I find a wad of onion-y smelling sticky goop in it's place.   Apparently onion juice and coconut oil form some type of magical bond when mixed.
Now I know why I can't freaking hear - I've got onion/coconut ass smelling sludge lodged in my ear canal.

A normal person would have hung their head in shame and brought the stinky ear to the doctor and begged for help. 

Not me....I've got Google.  And  Hydrogen Peroxide
Something, somewhere took pity one me because that finally cleared the remaining shit out of my ear.

Good thing because my next plan of attack was going to be Derek and a straw....and I'm not even joking.

I guess I know where my kids get it from.....

Thursday, January 22, 2015

That shit paid when is summer vacation?

Its' been 2 short months since I went on my major rant about Big Red and how she was going to fail 6th grade.  Although, if you ask her she'd probably tell you it's been 2 VERY long months.

We've changed things up a bit.  She now stays with me Monday through Friday night and with her father every weekend.  She also spends every morning and afternoon with her dad as well.  (Come summer vacation that shit flips...I get weekends and he gets full weeks....I'll be on a 3 month VACATION!) 

Anyway, I've failed miserably at sitting back and letting her fail and learn her lesson - and that shit paid off! 

I am the homework Nazi.  Every night, all night until it is done.  It's been frustrating, and mind numbing, and funny and even enjoyable at times.  We've both cried and screamed and laughed and actually learned how to work together (sort of).    Some nights she drives me bat shit crazy and some nights I think we would both like to sell the terrorists, but we suffer through it together. (Well mostly, some nights we're close to scratching each others eyes out and Derek steps in to help with homework instead of me...I think he's mainly saving his own sanity, but she likes him better anyway...)

Night before last I was out of energy and she had 2 assignments left to do.  She begged me to let her do them in her room and didn't have the energy to hover any more.

Holy effing mother of balls!! SHE COMPLETED THE ASSIGNMENT!!! AND TURNED IT IN!!!
(I of course checked it first thing in the am, but the fact remains - she did it)

Every night I still schedule all of her assignments and check them off one by one, every night I still check her daily calendars.  Most nights I find one that she has "forgotten", but we get it done.
She rarely whines or complains anymore.  We finally have a routine.  Thank you baby Jesus!!!

On top of it all...that kid who managed to fail nearly every class last quarter has ALL A's and B's.  I nearly had a stroke when I looked at her grades.  I didn't know whether to kiss her or offer her a freaking beer in celebration.  (God knows I had one)

I will be framing this report feels better than making my own A's in school.

Way to go Big Red!!! I am so freaking Proud of you!!!
(you want a puppy or a goat or something? We'll sneak it into your dads house....)

Friday, January 9, 2015

Turds, Heists and Juice

Conversation I had with the boy terrorist last night while he was doing "his business":
I'm not going to add his grunts into the conversation but while you read this keep in mind the whole conversation is peppered with grunts - it sounds like the kid is trying to shit a Cadillac.

 J: Mooooommmm!  Come here!
Me: What's up dude?  Are you done? (I'm still the royal butt wiper)
J: No, I want you to talk to me 
Me: (Standing just outside the cracked door) Ok what's up? What do you want to talk about?
J: No!  Come in here and sit with me.
Me: Dude, no it stinks in there - you're pooping.
J: It's ok.  Come watch me.
Me: No, sorry man that's gross.
J: Come watch the poop come out of my butt.  (Looks at me like this is actually a plausible concept)
Me: That's disgusting Jaxon, you done yet?
J: No.  Look, I poop like Capone.  (The cat)
ME: What?
J: He makes turds too.
Me: Well yeah, but he shits in a box on the floor.  (God I hope he doesn't get any ideas)
J: Hey can daddy buy me a gun
Me: Maybe
J: I need 3 army guns
Me: Ok I'll let him know.  You planning a heist?
J: What's a heist? Can you bring me some Juice?
Me: Not while you're pooping.  Are you done yet?
J: Yeah but I'm just resting now
Me: Ok well when you're good and rested call me and I'll come wipe your butt
J: Read me a book while I rest in here?
Me: I'm walking away now
J: Are you getting a book?

These are the conversations I have EVERY.NIGHT.
One of us needs meds.

Handbags and Snot Rags

Monday, January 5, 2015

Secrets & Pigs

The boy terrorists hates naps and he hates going to bed (He still NEEDS naps though) .
He will find 15 million reasons to stay out of bed or get up out of bed to prolong this atrocious sentence imposed by the cruel dictators who run the house.

This usually involves asking to pee, getting water or needing to "tell you something".
The latter has been the most prevalent as of late.  We've begun to stop him at the stairs and make him tell us his news from the landing. (His bedroom is upstairs and the living room is downstairs.  He was able to turn that whole trip into a 15 minute excursion)
Boy terrorist
This kid is maddening, but I've got to hand it to him he's smart...he's changed his tactic.  Lately he comes down and tells one of us that he needs to tell us something "in our ear" before we can send him packing.

The husband and I  being as curious as we are fall for it every time.  (typically he just tells us he loves us or needs to pee.)
Usually this is just frustrating and we get fairly annoyed, but "the secret" last week still has us laughing.
I thought I'd share:

(As told to my by the hubby:)
I worked Friday of last week so D was home with the kids alone. He put them both to bed.  Girl terrorist was down for the count.  Boy terrorist had shared his 57 secrets and was assumed to be asleep.  D settled in and decided to play a little PlayStation (New Christmas Gift)
The game of choice was Grand Theft Auto.  A totally unsuitable game for kids - which is why he waited till the terrorists were asleep.  (The game in a nutshell - you steal cars, walk around and beat people up and do "missions".)

Anyway, in this particular instance Derek was running the player around the city and came across a pig.  He kicked the pig out of the way (IN THE GAME - he wouldn't kick a real pig)  and went on about the game.
A while into his game D hears the boy terrorist making noise at the top of the stairs and tells him to get back in bed.

Par for the course, Boy Terrorist needs to tell him something - "in his ear".
Derek pauses the game and tells him to come down and say what he needs to say.  (Fully expecting "I love you" or "I need to pee")
Instead, Boy Terrorist leans in and says "Daddy, don't kick pigs".
With that he walked away and went to bed...

I don't know if it's the unexpected or if we're just a little nuts, but we haven't been able to stop laughing about it all weekend.
D will lean over to me and whisper "Don't kick pigs" and I die laughing.
I think we have issues...

The end.
This is what we resort to when he wont sleep...