Thursday, November 20, 2014

Ball Sweat

My 3 year old apparently suffers from sweaty balls.  Only my kids....I swear.

Last night as we were getting ready to sit down for dinner I noticed that the boys pants were wet in the crotch area.  (He's pretty much potty trained, but still has accidents ...clearly)

Our conversation follows:

Me: "Jaxon did you pee your pants again dude?"
Jaxon: "No" <Looking at me like I'm the dumbest person on earth>  "That's from sweat"
Me: "Sweat?  Your telling me your butt sweats?"
Jaxon: "No mooooom...... from my balls" <Clearly irritated that I even thought his butt was sweating>
Me: "So what you're telling me is that you have sweaty balls" <giggling uncontrollably>
Jaxon: "Yup"
Me: "Your balls sweat so much that it makes your pants wet...."
Jaxon: "Yep"
Me:  "Dude, no way.  Not possible.  You peed your pants"
Jaxon: <Looking injured by my words> "NO MOM!  It's my balls that sweated!!!"
Me: "Whatever, go take your sweaty ball pants off before dinner then..."

I just let him go with it.  I couldn't keep a straight face to even argue with him.

Seriously, how does my 3 year old even know about ball sweat?  I think I might have failed at this one...

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Thanks For Not Sucking as Friends

I've been seeing a ton of blogs out with titles like:
"The 7 Friends Every Woman Needs" and "How to Have a Successful Friendship When You Have 900 Kids and Not enough time to Pee Alone"

Most of the time I read theses and say to myself... "what the actual fuck??.  Who needs an underwear shopping friend" or "poor sad women out there!  Do they really need a checklist to find a friend?" and "What if you already have friends 1-6, do you have to turn down all the other #3's ...and only accept a #7?"

Then I wonder what types all of my nutso friends would be...

If you're wondering my friends would go something like this: 
  1. Imaginary friend who I randomly meet for dinner on Tuesday nights when she's not working but only see once every 2 months, never calls back but gets my twisted sense of humor and is is the most real person I know
  2. Ex-wife of the current husband who is a-fucking-mazing, likes to drink and bullshit and has no babies of her own so she can always come to me *bonus we really freak people out when we show up together* 
  3. They pissy friend who's always grumpy, unimpressed and actually only likes me and 3 other people max,  but is the BEST person to just relax with and not even have to talk (she just knows...); or bitch about other people with... she's good at that too and she doesn't judge me for how many people I profess to hate.   
  4.  My dear sweet turned her life around friend who reminds me every day that I can be anything and anyone I want, the girl that shows me everyday day what  living with grace looks like.  One of the few people that have seen me seen me crumble and cry and know "my whole story....even the ugly" and still loves me. 
  5. My "Rough Around The Edges - Just like me" friend who loves me just the way I am.  She has shown me what strength looks like, grabbed my boobs more times than I can count and is the definition of loyalty.  She's the only other female I get to "talk shop" with and I think we might have been separated at birth. 
  6. My little Sagittarius sisters - children and miles separate us, but I've never met two more unique women who are such a reflection of myself.  There are so many ways and stories I could to describe each of you but none of them are really appropriate for anyone else to read....

Back to the point.
I always read these "women/friends/how-to" blogs and I don't even come close to relating.  That's until last week.  I read a blog post called "The No-Bullshit, No-Drama Friendship Manifesto".  And it's like I sat down and described my female friends and our friendships.

It was then that I realized how lucky I am in that department.
Someone had to write a fucking contract to describe the good shit I already have.

I have such a kick ass group of bitches (because Ladies just doesn't describe any of you...sorry) you guys totally make up for my asshole kids...even better some of you have bigger asshole kids. 

To the women in my life:
"Whether I have shown up at your house covered in baby goo, on the verge of tears and needing advice or shown up looking to get drunk and blow off steam and talk major shit about what ever bomb exploded in my life you've welcomed me into your homes and dropped whatever you were doing to be my friend at that moment. Thank you for giving me your advice, your ear, a shoulder to lean on, a safe place to share my fears or a six-pack and smoke.  

I promise to always do the same for you. Wether you need a beer, an ear or bail money.  Call me any time of day or night I promise I'll be there.

To the rest of you...if you have to walk on eggshells around any of your friends or pretend to be something your not RUN.  Run really fucking fast to the neares person who's seen you ugly-cry or puke on yourself and go find more like them. 

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Tired of Hearing Myself Bitch

I'm sitting here at my desk eating my broccoli cheese soup (yes it's 9AM, no I don't care), browsing through Facebook &mentally commenting on all of my "friends" Facebook posts.

Because what else is there to do on a snowy Tuesday....well besides work, prepping for my weekly meeting and about 15 other things that can apparently wait until I finish this post.

Anyway, as I'm mentally commenting (not nice things) I realize it's always directed at the same person.  Every one of their posts is negative: "my life sucks, this person sucks, work sucks, the weather sucks, people are stupid, etc..."

I want to call them and scream
"Christ...go jump off a cliff and end it already if it's that bad!!!"
(Before you freak out let me assure you - this person is not depressed and I wouldn't actually say that out loud.  They just like to bitch)

That also got me thinking...isn't that exactly what I do here?  Bitch, bitch, bitch.  Bitch about my kids grades, bitch about the way they wake up, bitch about the way they travel.

While it's all true and it makes me feel better to vent, I don't want to be that person...not every day at least.  I'm glad I can find some comradery in the misery and hopefully make people laugh, but I think I owe it to my kids and everyone else to not constantly be the person that just needs to suck it up quit fucking whining.

So here's the good shit...
For starters I have a totally overachieving uterus.  I had 3 kids without any trying.  I've watched so many people in my life struggle for just one and here I am just shitting them out like pez. When I think about it like that it makes me want to retract all the other blog posts.  I should be at home making foot molds of the kids and talking about how they fart rainbows and glitter.  That would get old too though...

Even better than my overachieving uterus is my  husband... He doesn't have a nobel peace prize or an NFL contract or anything that cool, but he's pretty damn amazing.  If anyone knows me personally saying that I'm easy to handle or mild mannered isn't an understatement it's an outright fucking lie.  He handles me and the 3 kids with an astounding amount of patience and love.  Look, I know I'm not always easy to love but he manages to fake it even in the worst of times.  He's funny and smart, and knows when I need to be left alone and knows when I just need him there next to me.
I'm really not sure how I stumbled on him or why he agreed to marry me but no take-back's fucker!!!!  (Yeah, he laughs at comments like that) 
We make an amazing team, and I'm finally old enough to see the beauty in a team over the need to be independent.

On to the chirren... cause even though they are the reason for my constant bitching they deserve some recognition.

Big Red

She is soft spoken and tender hearted and is well on her way to becoming amazing woman.  She's all the things that a little girl should be.
She's beautiful inside and out and doesn't even know the depth of it yet.  (God help us all when she realizes that one)
I worried about her when we had the terrorists.  She's 8 years older and I really was concerned that she might not bond with them.  I was so wrong.  (She likes them more than I do some days.)  She definitely has more patience with them than I ever do.  She's also my little gymnast...I think we've finally found a sport that suits her and she's amazing at it.  She's a tween so it's about 60/40 right now in favor of the devil tween, but that 40 is a pretty amazing young lady.

Boy Terrorist 

I don't think he has the capability to follow a single instruction to the end, but I know that when my time comes he'll be the one that will go to the ends of the earth to just be there with me.  (I know that it's totally cliche, but there really is something about a relationship of a mother and son)  He loves me best and I love every minute of it.  He's also fucking hysterical.  He says the most off the wall shit and keeps us in stitches.  He is our comedic relief when things get serious.  He's also a fierce protector of his sisters.  We literally have to send him to another room if we are dealing with the girls.  I don't know that they notice now, but one day when we're not there to protect them he'll be the anchor of our family.

Tiny Terrorist
She clearly thinks here father is the only person on earth and I just show up to make dinner and feed everyone. 
But she's damn cute so it's forgiven.  I have no idea what she's saying most of the time.  (Thank god Jaxon translates for me) She's got a temper to rival mine and it's hysterical...I know one day it won't be but for now she's our baby and we all just let it go.  She eats like she's in a contest  - there's nothing the kid won't put in her mouth.  (Except peaches...none of the kids like peaches.  It's just weird)  She's also pretty funny.   While boy terrorist actually says comical things tiny terrorist is just funny to watch.  Whether it's doing the eyebrow thing or shaking her butt she's just enormously cute.

Well there you have it...I don't hate my kids or my life.  I love them all immeasurably and am thankful for all I have.

Now back to bitching about my kids.... ;)

Monday, November 10, 2014

6th Grade ~ Round 2

I've already written a few posts about Big Red and her stellar grades and school work ethic so this one might not come as a surprise...

I've decided to back off and let Big Red fail 6th grade.  (She'll have repercussions of course.)
It's not that I don't care, I'm just not dragging her through the school year anymore.

I've written emails to teachers.  I've tracked down countless missed assignments and arranged for her to have extra time to turn them in.  Once I get her caught up she shits it all up again.  Maybe she's not developmentally ready for 6th grade.  Maybe she doesn't care.  Maybe it's the fact that there's never been a major consequence.  I honestly don't know what it is but I do know that everyone in Big's life has gone over and above for her and she doesn't try to help herself one bit.  She doesn't seem to be bothered by F's or being grounded for 3 months.  So I'm going to let her fail.

What amazed me about all of this has been the teachers responses.
When I brought this up to Big's teachers they offered to give her extra credit and extra time.  One teacher actually just excused all of the missing grades!!! 

I was disappointed, but I wasn't shocked.  I've spent 6 years pleading with teachers to hold my child accountable and do what it takes to make her learn and grow as a person.  I don't care if she has to miss recess or has to do extra homework or is embarrassed; so long as she's learning and not just being pushed along to the next babysitter.

The last teacher I met with told me that Big has the ability to do well but has no motivation and they're not sure how to motivate her.  My response was "wanna motivate her? - embarrass her.  Make it known when she doesn't have homework, call attention to her when she's goofing off."

The teacher looked at me as if she was waiting for the punch line.  I have to say it's not the teachers fault here.  Us as parents have thoroughly fucked the education system and our kids in the process.  We've pushed teachers into a corner and don't allow them do do their job.  We're more worried about them upsetting our children than we are about them teaching our children.

I've seen it happen in my in my own circle of friends.  Parent's bashing their kid's teachers in front of the kids.  Parents "not standing" for the way their kid is treated in school.  
Little Timmy comes in last place in  field day and doesn't get a ribbon and mom's on the phone raising hell because Timmy doesn't feel appreciated.  Susie gets yelled at in class for not listening and mom is on the phone demanding action against the teacher.

You know what, maybe your kid is an asshole and needs to learn some respect. I know 9 times out of 10 when my kid is in trouble it's because they're being assholes and not because they have teachers hell bent on torturing my them.

I know there are some shitty teachers out there, but our kids need to learn to deal with those too.  Life isn't fair, not all bosses are fair either.  Life is sometimes shitty and if our kids don't learn to cope with that early on we've essentially fucked them too...

Anyway, back to my story.  I've decided to let it go and see where it gets us.  Maybe she'll pull her head out of her ass, but I'm not placing any bets on that happening.  What I am expecting is a major fight at the end of the year though.  I'll place money on it that I actually have a fight on my hands when I try to ensure she's back in 6th grade again.

Am I being mean and heartless here?  Did I miss the parenting memo?  I don't know any other way to get the message across.  I hope I'm doing the right thing, but I really feel like a shitty mom.

(I should note that she gets scored in the 90-95 percentile on all of her test scores.  She's not delayed in that sense.  She actually gets A's and B's on classwork and tests, she just refuses to bring her homework home or actually do it when she does bring it home)

On a positive note...she's a kick ass babysitter.  Maybe she can work in a daycare when she's older.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

16 Ways to Ruin your Toddlers Morning

My husband decided to read my blog (finally) hence the update: now I have to give credit where it rightfully belongs.  
He handles the Boy terrorist in the morning and does most of the AM routine with him.  I get up with the Tiny terrorist and do most of the shit that she requires.  So in actuality list items #1-7 happened to him (I just eavesdropped on those) and I only directly received #'s 7-16.
I write this shit on my lunch break and I didn't have time for all the intricacies, but he noticed so to my darling you go, here's your credit.  (And I love you)
This was NOT taken at 6AM

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but the terrorists are in their first "real" daycare ever.  Up until this point they've either gone to a family friend for daycare or had an in home nanny.

Holy shit it's a lot more work this way!  You've Derek's got to get them him up, dress them him and get food in them all before 6AM.

(That's like trying to teach drunk college students advanced chemistry.  Or at least what I would imagine it's equivalent to.) 

 I know, I know.. you really want to hear my Derek's sob story about how hard it is to not have a nanny and have to dress my kids.  (I'll say it for you....Oh fuck off Ashley!)

You're in luck.....that's not the point of this one.
In fact I really like the new daycare.  I enjoy my kids NOT trashing my house all day or eating all of the food.   

Back to the point.  We have a routine, but some days the natives go fucking insane and I'm reminded why some species eat their young.  This morning was one of those days for the boy terrorist.  I we managed to find no less than 16 ways to ruin his morning all before 6 AM (prob more but these are the ones I remember).

And here they are:

  1. Make BT take off his onesie jammies
  2. Make BT go potty before putting on his pants
  3. Make him hold his penis while he pees
  4. Call it a pee pee not a penis
  5. Make him brush his teeth with toothpaste
  6. Not let BT wear his jammies to daycare (Cameron does....)
  7. Give BT Milk to drink instead of orange juice
  8. Dump out OJ and replace with milk 
  9. Give him white milk not chocolate milk
  10. Put too much chocolate in the chocolate milk
  11. Do not allow BT to bring pillow with him (Cameron does....)
  12. Utter the phrase "I don't know Cameron and really I don't care what he does.You are not taking your pillow to school"
  13. Put Shrek on instead of Scooby Do in the car (1st world problems right)
  14. Have the radio set to a decibel level not pleasing to the little terrorists ears
  15. Have the screen set to a 89° angle not a perfect 90° angle for optimal viewing
  16. ....And I didn't 2nd squeeze him like I really meant it. 
That's really what he told me when I hugged him for the 2nd time "You didn't squeeze me like you meant it"  Little did he know that had I squeezed him like I meant it his poor little terrorist head would have popped right off.  (I did drop him off so this one is all mine)
See the type of shit I have to deal with from this one.... <3

(Not really, that was the highlight of my day...he made me laugh and reminded me that he needs and loves me....awe)