What I Would Actually Say....

I found this links a few minutes ago:
http://www.hercampus.com/school/scranton/50-things-every-girl-should-be-able-say-her-best-friend
It's called 50 Things Every Girl Should Be Able to Say to Her Best Friend.

I read it an realized that I wouldn't say ANY of these things to my best friend.  Maybe to some of my acquaintances, but that's just not how my bf and I talk to each other - we're a little more "colorful" and that's why we hang out....Or maybe that's why no one else hangs out with us...

(Before I get started I should introduce you to my BF.  Her name is Jessica and she's a giant.  For reals....Well, to me she is.  I'm 4'-11" and she's every bit of 6'-0" if not taller.  We're like mutt and Jeff and pretty much polar opposites in every sense - except for our sarcastic nature and use of curse words.  Our conversations are profanity laced and hysterical.  She one of only 3 ladies that I consider a true best friend.  I love that I can tell her literally anything....she'll totally judge me for it but she'll say it out loud to me.  I've thrown a few pictures in of us so you can see the actual differences in height.)

Anyway I revised the list...enjoy!

1. You already had your cheat meal today.  If I eat that last piece of pizza I’m going to shit my pants (that I already can’t wear cause I ate the last piece the last 6 times)
2. Seriously, you’ll be pissed that you ate that slice of pizza tomorrow. Fuck it lets get burgers and say we ate healthy
3. That outfit isn’t the most flattering. You kind of look like a homeless hooker in that
4. That $100 dress isn’t worth it. You’re going to wear it once. I get it you’re like 11 feet tall buy the $180 jeans and lets go find some food
5. That $100 dress doesn’t look good on you. Again, you kind of look like a homeless hooker and why do you have $100 to blow on a dress?
6. Stop being such a b*tch to your mom. I called you a C**t on FB…did your mom see that shit?
7. You’re being really annoying. You need drugs Debbie Downer – seriously I got a doctor for that…
8. Stop over analyzing. Relax. Go get drunk and quit whining
9. He’s making you look stupid. Fucking run or quit bitching about it…you have 2 choices.  Whining isn’t one of them
10. Do you really like him? Or do you like the attention?  Again… Fucking run or quit bitching about it…you have 2 choices.  Whining isn’t one of them
11. You deserve to be texted at 9 p.m. not 2 a.m. Who cares what the f you deserve – go effing find him and break his phone – then he has a reason not to text you

12. STFU, please.  Are you going to keep bitching or are you gonna help me drink this?
13. Stop complaining you failed the test… you didn’t even study. Eh…not at our age
14. Get your shit together. You’re a fucking trainwreck dude, but I still love you
15. You’re killing my vibe. - You need drugs Debbie Downer – seriously I got a doctor for that…
16. I know you don’t like so and so, but she’s never done anything to me. Another one not in our world – she’s the friendly one – I don’t like people’s faces
17. I love you.
18. Are we dressing cute or homeless?  Awesome – I’m wearing my yoga pants in public too then…
19. Can you come sit with me and watch me eat? Oh you’re on another one of your 2 calorie meal plans -  cool.  Here’s a carrot…you can watch me eat this whole pizza.  Want some?  It’s good!
20. If I get denied from the bar, you can stay. Screw you – if I get kicked out you’re coming with me
21. If you get denied from the bar, I’ll leave with you.  – of course
22. You look orange. Woah – nice tan oompa loompa – you should get a loofah and a refund

23. Your hair looks greasy.   Rough morning?
24. Yes, you need to shower. We’re sitting at my house with my two toddlers who may or may not eat their boogars-  no you don’t need to get ready just get here – and bring wine
25. You have food in your teeth. – you got shit in your grill dude
26. You have a boogie. 1) we don’t say boogie 2) I would curse “You’ve got shit hanging out of your nose dude”
27. Your boyfriend cheated on you. – Your boyfriend cheated on you…let me help you get revenge.  No she’s not prettier than you, she’s a troll.  A stupid troll.  Want me to google her address?
28. You’re beautiful. I’m not going out with you…you make me look like a homeless hooker.  I’ve gotta go put my face on now…Jesus you suck!
29. Your bra is showing. I can see your bra…you’re ginormous boobs are distracting me
30. Sorry, but I’d prefer if you didn’t borrow that. HAHA!  Yeah you should totally borrow my pants. Capri’s are totally in style!
31. You got way too drunk last night. Did I yell at a cop? I think I wore your bra on my head…This is why I don't drink yeager.  I’ve got to go vomit…
32. You’re flagged. I don’t even know what this meansHe’s gay
34. You’re being too aggressive on social media. Seriously if you post one more fucking dog or horse picture or stupid uplifting quote I’m going to come over there and stab you in the eye
35. You really hurt my feelings when you said   HAHA!!!  No Jess that wasn’t directed at you.  No I’m not mad… I’m never mad…come on don’t be a vagina
36. Someday, you will find the man of your dreams. We have totally had this conversation and I might have gotten mushy so I’m skipping it…
37. Until then, we can be dating. Hey I’m bringing someone to your party…no I don’t know his name…met him at the bar.  But he’s buying the booze and drives a benz
38. Can you sleep in my bed with me? You can totally crash here. Kait;s not home you can have her bed if you want a TV or the couch   -that couch is fucking amazing
39. I wouldn’t instagram that if I were you. If you don’t post that shit I’m gonna…IT’S FUNNY!  QUIT BEING A VAGINA!
40. You’re taking forever. I’m the one with kids I’m always 1 hour late…
41. You’re wearing WAY too much perfume. You smell like a French whore…wtf are you wearing?
42. He’s here. We have to leave.
43. You’re being dramatic. QUIT BEING A VAGINA  
44. Can I use your deodorant?
45. You need to respect yourself. “You need to respect yourself…”<snicker> Gulps wine out of box “Don’t act like that chick over there” <snicker>
46. He has a new girlfriend. Psh…that bitch looks like SKELETOR!!!!!
47. I’m so grateful to have you. I fucking love you!  I’m so glad we can hang out and hate shit together!
33. He’s just not that into you.

me being classy as usual

48. Thanks for being there. Thanks for not picking up your fucking phone and making me listen to your douchey ring tone asshole.  Call me back. By the way...IT"S NOT FUCKING SUMMER ANYMORE!!!
49. I farted.
50. I love you. I love your big giant face 

Thanks For Not Sucking as Friends

I've been seeing a ton of blogs out with titles like:
"The 7 Friends Every Woman Needs" and "How to Have a Successful Friendship When You Have 900 Kids and Not enough time to Pee Alone"

Most of the time I read theses and say to myself... "what the actual fuck??.  Who needs an underwear shopping friend" or "poor sad women out there!  Do they really need a checklist to find a friend?" and "What if you already have friends 1-6, do you have to turn down all the other #3's ...and only accept a #7?"

Then I wonder what types all of my nutso friends would be...

If you're wondering my friends would go something like this: 

1. Imaginary friend who I randomly meet for dinner on Tuesday nights when she's not working but only see once every 2 months, never calls back but gets my twisted sense of humor and is is the most real person I know
2. Ex-wife of the current husband who is a-fucking-mazing, likes to drink and bullshit and has no babies of her own so she can always come to me *bonus we really freak people out when we show up together* 
3. They pissy friend who's always grumpy, unimpressed and actually only likes me and 3 other people max,  but is the BEST person to just relax with and not even have to talk (she just knows...); or bitch about other people with... she's good at that too and she doesn't judge me for how many people I profess to hate.   
4.  My dear sweet turned her life around friend who reminds me every day that I can be anything and anyone I want, the girl that shows me everyday day what  living with grace looks like.  One of the few people that have seen me seen me crumble and cry and know "my whole story....even the ugly" and still loves me. 
5. My "Rough Around The Edges - Just like me" friend who loves me just the way I am.  She has shown me what strength looks like, grabbed my boobs more times than I can count and is the definition of loyalty.  She's the only other female I get to "talk shop" with and I think we might have been separated at birth. 
6. My little Sagittarius sisters - children and miles separate us, but I've never met two more unique women who are such a reflection of myself.  There are so many ways and stories I could to describe each of you but none of them are really appropriate for anyone else to read....

Back to the point.
I always read these "women/friends/how-to" blogs and I don't even come close to relating.  That's until last week.  I read a blog post called "The No-Bullshit, No-Drama Friendship Manifesto".  And it's like I sat down and described my female friends and our friendships.

It was then that I realized how lucky I am in that department.
Someone had to write a fucking contract to describe the good shit I already have.

I have such a kick ass group of bitches (because Ladies just doesn't describe any of you...sorry) you guys totally make up for my asshole kids...even better some of you have bigger asshole kids. 

To the women in my life:
"Whether I have shown up at your house covered in baby goo, on the verge of tears and needing advice or shown up looking to get drunk and blow off steam and talk major shit about what ever bomb exploded in my life you've welcomed me into your homes and dropped whatever you were doing to be my friend at that moment. Thank you for giving me your advice, your ear, a shoulder to lean on, a safe place to share my fears or a six-pack and smoke.  

I promise to always do the same for you. Wether you need a beer, an ear or bail money.  Call me any time of day or night I promise I'll be there.

To the rest of you...if you have to walk on eggshells around any of your friends or pretend to be something your not RUN.  Run really fucking fast to the neares person who's seen you ugly-cry or puke on yourself and go find more like them. 

We’re One IROC Short of Our Own White Trash Reality how

So I figure in my first post I’ll introduce you to the characters. (Mainly so you can comprehend how insane we all are, but also so I can send this out to all included and get their permission to upload pics and use their name when telling embarrassing stories about them)

Here’s the rundown of the family:

There’s me; Ashley.  I’m a full time working mom.  I work in construction and have an affinity towards 4 letter words.  I really fucking like them.  (see what I did there?  That was a warning.  If you’re offended now you should just move on to another blog because that was child’s play)  I’m an avid smoker who quit 16 hours ago – this lead to the blogging.  I’ve got to do something instead of smoking.  Might as well share the  insanity, right?

Next up is Dad.  Dad is also in construction and has worked out of town for the majority of the babies’ lives.  Dad just took a position at the office and no longer travels for work…we’re all waiting for him to flip his shit now that he’s home full time.  I have to admit that he’s doing really well which is disappointing.  See, he’s the one who wanted all these kids and I told him he only wanted them because he didn’t have to live with them.  If he doesn’t freak out soon it’ll mean I was wrong and he’s just better at kids than I am.  (Which cannot happen because I am never wrong and I grew those suckers.  I have to be better at them by default.)

On to the kids…

Our oldest is 21.  I didn’t actually grow him.  I got him through marriage, but 80% of the time he’s my favorite. We call him “the really-big”.  His escapades are….um…interesting but he can buy liquor on his way to the house so we let him slide sometimes.

The big is 11 and she’s a Tween (god help us all).    She expects to be treated like and adult but can’t remember to brush her own teeth…this is a daily battle.

The "Big"

Lastly we have the babies.  

"the Terrorists"

The babies aren't twins but in an effort to streamline things we treat them as such.  There’s a 3 year old boy and a 2 year old girl…we call them the terrorists.  We have not had a moments peace and quiet in the house in 3 years solely due to their existence.  We also have laughed more in the past 3 years than ever before.  (Everyone bitches about the terrorists, but in reality they are completely loved and spoiled beyond belief.)

And you can’t have a WT reality show without Ex’s!!!

Here’s what really makes people raise their eyebrows…We’re friends with both of our exes and actually hang out with each other quite often (for actual fun, not shared-kid related things)

There’s really-big’s mom.  We’ll call her Momgie.  While we were sworn enemies for quite some time the tides have turned and she’s actually a fucking riot.  Apparently the hubby has both good taste and a type, because it’s kind of like hanging out with a taller me.  We drink wine, say inappropriate things about strangers and our kids… really what more could I ask for.

Lastly, there’s the big’s dad.  We also get along well.  Some days he’s kind of like my 5th kid but it’s all forgiven because he keeps Popsicles in his freezer for the terrorists.  The terrorists ADORE him.  I’m just waiting for both of them to be fully potty trained (the terrorist not big’s dad).  Once they finally are he’s getting all 3 on his weekly visits, not just the tween.  Mommy will take a vacation when and where she can get it.

See, add an Iroc and a few mullets and we’d have our own show….maybe I should contact TLC…..