Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Canceled Flights, Layovers and HUGE Penises

After canceled flights, crazy layovers, complete meltdowns and some loud penis talk we are FINALLY HOME!!!

Terrorists on a Plane
We spent a week back home with my mom in Pierre Part. It wet way too fast and I wish we could have stayed longer.
Playing in the Rain in December
Rural Life Museum

 BUT.....These memories will have to last us at least 3 more years because I'm not traveling with this family again until everyone can carry their own shit and no one craps their pants.

If the flight back home was a test in patience I think I failed miserably (I didn't actually beat anyone or sell a child so I didn't fail completely)

The flight in to Louisiana went fairly well. Straight through flight no melt downs no kids screaming on a plane.  Of course, we own a Jaxon so it wasn't completely without incident and true to form he was completely inappropriate.

Let me set the scene:
I took a whole row and sat with the babies.  (I sat in the aisle seat in order to corral them in to our row)
Derek and Kait were in the aisle across from us.  In front of us were 3 women:  One teenage girl, one lady who looked to be in her mid 50's and on women who had to be in her late 70's.
I buckled Lannie in and then Jaxon.  I proceeded to get snacks and toys sorted for the kids and get their backpacks stashed under the seats.

This is Jaxon
I'm sitting there with my head between my legs trying to shove backpacks under the seats in front of us when I hear "Look Mom!!!" from Jaxon. That usually means he found a piece of lint or something else just as exciting so I didn't initially look up. "What is it bud?"  I should note that at this point we're still at the gate - the plane engines haven't started, people are still filing in and it's fairly quiet.  To my horror (and amusement if I'm being honest) my son replies with "Look at my huge giant PENIS!!!!" I shoot up and stifle a snort/giggle to find my son with the extra portion of the lap belt extended out in front of him showing me his "HUGE GIANT PENIS"....and now that I've snorted he's not stopping.  "Look how giant"  "Huge Penis" "Penis Belt" this shit just kept spewing from his mouth!! The old ladies in front of me looked back in horror (the teenager was giggling) and I think the oldest lady might have had a stroke.  I literally dissolved into a fit of giggles because I'm such a stellar mother...and it was freaking funny.

Dick Jokes Wear You out....

Shortly after Jaxon's spectacle they both crashed out and slept the whole flight in.
In retrospect a few dick jokes isn't that bad of a trade off for 3 hours of peace and quiet.

The flight home was another story all together.  Not a funny one.
Our flight was canceled, we had to stay in a hotel, get a new flight out with a 6 hour layover in Houston.  No one slept, everyone had melt downs and I threatened to lock my son in a restroom stall and leave him there if he didn't quit whining....awesome. (We did get 1st class seats on one leg of the trip...silver lining right?)
Big Red is loving 1st Class

I'll take dick jokes any day......

Friday, December 19, 2014

Lannie Poop-ted

I heard the commotion downstairs but I was in the bath.
I waited until it was quiet before getting out. (Because I am an asshole)

Separated by a floor and soaking in my nice warm bath I only heard bits and pieces of of what was going on.

Derek: "Lannie!  COME HERE!!!"
Lannie:  "Arrrrlge" "Bleeergle"  (I don't understand her on a good day so I have no idea what she said from all the way down there)
Derek: "No!  Do NOT run from me!  Come here!  Ew!  Gross!  COME HERE!!!" "Damnit"!
I suppressed a giggle and got out of the tub.

Since we're working on potty training with the Tiny Terrorist I naturally assumed she peed her pants, or peed on the couch, or on the floor, or on my carpet....typical places that Tiny Terrorist usually pees.

Jaxon met me in the bathroom to debrief me on the situation.  (Have I mentioned that I have NO privacy whatsoever now that the rerrorists have taken over)

Jaxon:  "Mom!  Guess what!!
Me: What Jax
Jax:  Lannie poop-ted!  On the floor!  Then she mushed her feet in it!  Daddy touched it!

What really happened was this:  Lannie peed in her panties and told daddy "Daddy pee" when Daddy got to Lannie he saw the soaked panties and proceeded to remove them.  What he didn't know was that there was a turd lurking in there too.  When he removed the panties the turd fell on the floor.  About this time Lannie tried to run away from daddy and stepped on the turd in the process...

 Kind of wish I would have gotten out of the bath to see this unfold, but somehow I think I would have ended up picking up the poop if I had.
 And I've cleaned up every other terrorist turd before this one.....

(She's still got nothing on her brother who pooped in his sisters room.  He hid it under a lid and left it there.... thinking no one would know.)

The "Poop-stepper"

Monday, December 8, 2014

It Puts the Lotion on It's Skin.....

5 minutes....
It took her 5 minutes to cover all of her exposed skin in butt cream.
This is why I  smoke, and can't get a god-damned thing done...ever.

My kids are ADDICTED to a disturbing way (they freak me the fuck out to be honest)  
I have to hide ALL of the lotion in my house.  

Lannie is straight out of silence of the lambs.  She'll rub an entire bottle into her tiny little body then come ask me to "keen-it" (clean it)

True to form Jaxon is just fucking weird about his lotion fetish...he eats it.  He's not even picky.  Perfumed lotion, body butter, generic lotion, baby lotion.... it's all his favorite.

I'm not kidding...we even have a "Lotion Story"  

I'm forever scarred by my kids freaky lotion habit..... It goes like this:

It was the 2nd week in our new house. We had just unpacked all of the boxes and were having our first guests over for dinner; Nick and Jess.  (We also had our first dusting of snow.)

The guys decided to go and pick up Mexican food for dinner.  Meanwhile, Jess and I sat around the table bull-shitting and having a few beers (this time I'm not exaggerating - I had only had 1-1/2 beers at the time of the "incident")

While we talked Lannie and Jax explored the new house and all of the added space.  They were in and out of the living room, going from playroom, to bedrooms, to living room and back again.

About 45 minutes later the guys came back with the food.  It was at this time that I called the kids to the kitchen.

Along came Lannie but no Jaxon, which isn't extremely odd. (He listens about as well as a deaf mule.)  I screamed 2 more times for him before I got irritated.  Still no Jaxon. I headed up to his room to check for him while the others checked the other rooms.  Nothing.  I was getting nervous at this point.

We checked and re-checked every freaking room in my house.  I even went outside to check for little kid prints in the snow thinking maybe he walked outside, got lost and was out wandering lost in the snow slowly freezing to death.

I was about 6 seconds away from calling 911 when I heard a laugh come the guest bathroom just off the kitchen.  It was Jess...she found Jaxon sitting behind the door EATING.FUCKING.LOTION.

I went in that damn bathroom at least 3 times and called that child's name...he never said a fucking word. He had been sitting there, behind the door peeking out at us and eating lotion for a good 25 minutes. 

Not a one time occourance either...We've found hm back there eating lotion multiple times. He's a lotion Junkie (and a jerk).

"Hi I'm Jaxon and I'm addicted to Jergens...."