Monday, December 8, 2014

It Puts the Lotion on It's Skin.....

5 minutes....
It took her 5 minutes to cover all of her exposed skin in butt cream.
This is why I  smoke, and can't get a god-damned thing done...ever.


My kids are ADDICTED to lotion...in a disturbing way (they freak me the fuck out to be honest)  
I have to hide ALL of the lotion in my house.  

Lannie is straight out of silence of the lambs.  She'll rub an entire bottle into her tiny little body then come ask me to "keen-it" (clean it)

True to form Jaxon is just fucking weird about his lotion fetish...he eats it.  He's not even picky.  Perfumed lotion, body butter, generic lotion, baby lotion.... it's all his favorite.

I'm not kidding...we even have a "Lotion Story"  

I'm forever scarred by my kids freaky lotion habit..... It goes like this:

It was the 2nd week in our new house. We had just unpacked all of the boxes and were having our first guests over for dinner; Nick and Jess.  (We also had our first dusting of snow.)

The guys decided to go and pick up Mexican food for dinner.  Meanwhile, Jess and I sat around the table bull-shitting and having a few beers (this time I'm not exaggerating - I had only had 1-1/2 beers at the time of the "incident")

While we talked Lannie and Jax explored the new house and all of the added space.  They were in and out of the living room, going from playroom, to bedrooms, to living room and back again.

About 45 minutes later the guys came back with the food.  It was at this time that I called the kids to the kitchen.

Along came Lannie but no Jaxon, which isn't extremely odd. (He listens about as well as a deaf mule.)  I screamed 2 more times for him before I got irritated.  Still no Jaxon. I headed up to his room to check for him while the others checked the other rooms.  Nothing.  I was getting nervous at this point.

We checked and re-checked every freaking room in my house.  I even went outside to check for little kid prints in the snow thinking maybe he walked outside, got lost and was out wandering lost in the snow slowly freezing to death.

I was about 6 seconds away from calling 911 when I heard a laugh come the guest bathroom just off the kitchen.  It was Jess...she found Jaxon sitting behind the door EATING.FUCKING.LOTION.

I went in that damn bathroom at least 3 times and called that child's name...he never said a fucking word. He had been sitting there, behind the door peeking out at us and eating lotion for a good 25 minutes. 

Not a one time occourance either...We've found hm back there eating lotion multiple times. He's a lotion Junkie (and a jerk).


"Hi I'm Jaxon and I'm addicted to Jergens...."