Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Adoption Storks, Belly Button Tubes & Magic Vaginas

Yup you read that right...
Adoption storks, belly button tubes and magic vagina's was the car ride topic a few days ago.  (I blush a little just thinking about it.)

Thanks to the terrorists we were once again trapped in an enclosed space forced to talk about uncomfortable shit.  (At least it was we this time and not me.)

Before I get to the actual conversation there are a few facts you need to know about us and some back story needed for this to all make sense.

First off we're pretty open about body parts and call most everything by it's actual name.
No "wee wee" and "pee pee" here. (Well except for Jaxon's balls - He couldn't say testicles when he was little and I couldn't practice that word with him over and over with a straight face so we called them balls and moved on.)    In our house it's totally common to hear the toddlers talking about penis' and vagina's.  They were so close in age we had to explain the whole "girls have vagina's and boys have penises" thing pretty early on.

Secondly, Lannie is fascinated with the body.  Like actual organs and shit.  It's really weird for a 3
year old, but maybe she'll be a surgeon and pay for a nice nursing home for me one day.
Anyway, she gets on theses kicks and wants to know specifics about specific body parts.  A few weeks ago it was the "neck tubes"  or what normal people call the esophagus.  She made me show her pictures (thanks google) and wanted to know what it did.  There have been others but the only important one to this story is the belly button.  Months ago Lannie was asking about her belly button.  I did the best I could at coming up with a simple answer.  I told her it was a tube that she used to eat when she was in my tummy and that it connected from my tummy to hers so we could share my food.  Jax happened to be in on this discussion as well.

Lastly, is the fact that Derek is adopted.  It's not a secret and Derek's parents are pretty open about it.  His dad likes to tease him and tell him that they picked him up and had a 30 day return policy.  Jax has also heard this too.  I think he thinks that Derek wasn't ever actually in anyone's tummy, he was just picked up at a baby store or something.

With that being said let me share the story of the most uncomfortable car ride with the terrorists to date:

It was a few days ago and we were going to the movies.  (Me, D, Jax and Lannie)  The kids were asking to see some new movie about storks.  It isn't out yet so we saw something else, but I think that's how we got on the subject of storks, belly buttons and magic vagina's.

I wasn't paying much attention to the terrorists in the back but I heard them conversing about storks and how not all babies were delivered by storks.  Some came out of mommy's tummy's.  I think Jaxon's final consensus was that adopted babies get delivered by storks and all other babies come from mommy's tummy.  Well Lannie being Lannie didn't agree and there started the "the conversation"

Someone from the back asked me if babies came from mommies tummies. I replied yes and thought the conversation was over.

Fucking WRONG!

As soon as the terrorists mulled that over they wanted to know how the babies got out.
"Um, Um..." I stammered to buy time.  I looked at Derek and he shrugged.  So we pretended like the question was never asked and hoped that was it.

NOPE...of course not

They came up with their own solution.
Jaxon: "So babies just pop out of mommies tummies"
Me: Yep (shooting a Sideways look at Derek - he had nothin')
Jaxon: "So we popped out of your tummy?"
Me: "Yep" (I'm keeping it short and sweet hoping a piece of lint with attract their attention...but they just wouldn't let it go....)
Jaxon: "So wheres the scar on your belly that we popped out of"
Lannie: "Yeah wheres the scar?  What did we pop out of?"  (She's a damn instigator!)
Me: " belly button?"  I did in fact ask this as a question because I wasn't sure if they were gonna buy it
Jaxon: "No the belly button is the baby food tube remember.", actually i didn't remember that.  "So where does the baby pop out of?"

I look over at D and he's kind of giggling (we both are - we clearly weren't prepared for this conversation yet)
By this time I know I'm not getting out of this one with some lame ass story and I'm trying to decide just how accurate I'm gonna be.  I look over at D and give him the "What the fuck do I say" look.  He shrugs and smiles.  (remember he's a dick)
I go with not very specific...but I say it fast. (Maybe that'll work)

Me: "Um, Uh...babiescomeoutofbutts"  (yeah, if you slow that down I told my 5 & almost 4 year old children that babies.come.out.of.butts.  I meant the general butt/nether region....they understood "ass hole"
Jax took it more literal....
Jax: "NO! You don't poop babies!"  laughing at me like I'm purposely making a joke "You poop turds!"
Me: "Well it's kinds like that.... they come out somewhere down there" (this is seriously never gonna end....)
Lannie: "So where does the baby pop out of mommy?"  I know this is going to have to be good because Doogie Howser is gonna want pictures soon....

Right then I had the best idea EVER!!!!

Me: "I was laying in a bed when you popped out I couldn't see.  I just know it was down there by my butt.  Ask Daddy - he was watching...he knows"
I was so pleased with myself I didn't even remember to get a glimpse of Daddy's face.

Daddy however cut right to the chase....
Derek: "Babies come out of Vaginas - you came out of your mom's vagina"
Terrorists: "Ewww, No we didn't!"
Me & Derek: "Yup.  That's what happened"

I think it took Lannie a little longer to process.  I vaguely remember her looking at me then down at her "stuff" and I'm pretty sure she decided that vaginas are magic.  I know I heard "magic vagina" at some point, but Derek and I were giggling like school girls and trying act "adult-ish"  so I kind of lost the rest of their conversation.

And just like that it was over.

But it's never really ever over with the terrorists.
They're just waiting for the opportunity to blindside me.  That's what they do.


To the lady in the checkout line sometime in the near future:  I apologize my daughter kept asking you if you have a magic vagina with babies in there.  She didn't mean to weird you out.  I know she keeps staring at it like it's gonna do a trick - feel free to turn around and ignore us.

To the parents who's kid believes in storks: I'm so sorry Jaxon convinced him he's adopted.  On the up side, if you're reading this you already have a road map of the conversation.  Just skip the butt hole baby....go straight to magic vagina and just get it over with.

I've given my apologies.  Now may I suggest that if you have kids and we're friends you either stop inviting us over or go ahead and prepare to explain this shit to your kids to...mine are most def. going to impart their wisdom on yours.   

Life Love and Dirty Dishes

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

7 Things I Want My Daughter To Know....TODAY, RIGHT NOW ( maybe she'll quit being a dick)

I spent the 1st half of my day today at work trying to track down and fix problems I didn't create.
I spent the 2nd half of my day trying to fit 4 hours of work into 2 so I could leave work twice to drop the teenager off at cheer and pick her up again.  (I also managed to have just about everything that could go wrong, in fact go wrong.)

The opposite of Asshole - this is when she's being awesome!
Upon picking up teenager I learned she didn't actually go to school today - it was a half day and she "didn't feel good".
If you follow my blog or know me even slightly you already know what a shit show grades are when it comes to this one.  Anyway, the teen got a little ass chewing and was told that she wouldn't be deciding her attendance until she could make passing grades.
I think this is what ruined her mood, but she wouldn't actually speak to me so I'm not certain....

I asked a few times but she was insistent on staring out the window and making a "something smells like shit face" instead.

So, as I was driving I was thinking of all of the pearls of wisdom I could impart on her or maybe just point out that I stopped what I was doing (and made more work for myself in) order to make sure she got to do what she wanted, then I took another look at her unchanged "something smells like shit" face and realized that it would be a waste of time and breath.
I also realized that all of these "10 things I want my daughter to know before she..." lists are great and thoughtful and all that jazz but they really don't do dick for the here and now.

So here are The Seven Things I Want My Asshole Teenager To right now:

This is when I was an asshole -
I'm still apologizing for these years
1) I know you're calling me names in your head, rolling your eyes when I'm not looking and mainly wishing I'd just shut up and leave you alone. (I've even seen the texts and the colorful things you've written about me)  It's cool though.  I was a teen once and I did that too.  But mainly it's cool because I'm still doing it to you....oh yeah - while you're rolling your eyes or making stink faces I'm calling you all kinds of names.  PS - I'm 35 and I work in construction - my names win.  (Here's a plan - you keep yours to yourself and make damn sure you don't actually ever say them to me aloud and I won't tell you all of the shit I've called you - we'll both be better for it)  PPS...I also flip you off behind your back (sometimes it's the only thing stopping you from getting beat)

One day you'll even put a pic of us as your FB Profile
....I'll be over here waiting
2) In just 5 short years you will begin your real adult life and in the excitement of being a young adult on your own you will most likely forget our fights during the teenage years. So will I (or I'll take a cue from your granny and graciously pretend like I can't remember all that "minor" stuff)  Here's the really creepy thing - one day you will have your own children and your own fights and attitudes to navigate -  in that moment you will remember with unsettling clarity exactly what you said when you made your mom cry or when you actually hurt her feelings for real. You will apologize and she will accept, but you will know that some things can never be unsaid.  Choose your words and actions carefully because you will be faced with them again.

3) I'll continue on that train of thought:  Basically everything you do will come back to bite you in the ass.  In the form of one or all of your children.  It's called karma, she is a bitch and she is real.  I can attest to my dear, are my penance for all of the shit I put my own mom through. (She laughs at me when I tell her literally chuckles at my misery.  I will do the same to you)

4) I want you to grow up and think for yourself, don't be a follower if you don't agree with the majority.  Fight for the things you see as fair and just.  Don't be afraid to go against the grain.  Don't ever be afraid to be different.  Except in my house.  Just don't.  Social injustice has nothing to do with sleepovers, phone privileges or the length of your grounding.  Don't argue it'll only make it worse. Here's a good rule of thumb - expect to be grounded for one month for every major infraction.  If you think whatever it is that you're planning on doing is worth that month then give it a shot.  But if you choose to risk it 1) take your punishment like the adult you thought you were when you willingly broke the rules (that means take it quietly and no I smell shit face"  like it's my fault) and 2) know that I'm the dictator in this little country.  I can and will do as I please.  That month could turn into 3 or you might just find yourself standing in front of your school with sign around your neck and those Velcro Walmart shoes I always threaten you with.  It's really a crap shoot...

5) I know your little brother is annoying as hell sometimes (we all know that- he's 5) but you need to try and be patient with him and cut him a little slack.  You were 5 once and we didn't sell you.  More importantly he is your family.  As you get older you'll realize they are what'll realize they always were what mattered and in the end they're all you can really count on.  By the time you realize this you'll be so deep into your own hectic life that you'll depend on the bond you created in childhood to keep you connected when life gets in the way.  Also, he's you're built in protector.  He'll protect you fiercely from anyone or anything that might make you cry.  When your young adult life is going to hell in a hand basket you'll want your back up.  (he also might be a serial killer - you don't wanna piss him off in that case either)

6) You won't immediately believe this, but it's will miss all of this one day.  You'll spend the next 5 years fighting and clawing for your independence.  If you're anything like me you'll run like the fucking wind as soon as you get it.ENJOY IT-  because life will have another surprise for you (FYI - life is constantly fucking with you, this won't be the only plot twist, but you can be surprised by the rest).  Like I was saying, as soon as you have that independence thing sorta mastered you'll be slapped in the face with a family and babies.  You'll realize you're actually calling the woman that caused all of those eye rolls and asking for advice and, like totally listening to it!  If that weren't weird enough those babies turn into asshole teenagers and you'll begin hearing my voice coming out of your mouth.  ....AND your eyes won't automatically get sucked up into your eye sockets!!!  You're actually pretty proud that you picked up some of that shit.  Somewhere along all of this you'll begin wondering why you ever really left at won't remember what made you feel like you needed to run and you'll wonder why you traded a full time maid and chef for a mortgage and toilets that no one but you ever cleans.  Mostly you'll wonder how you didn't notice what a kick ass mom you had the whole'll start to dwell on it but someone will shit on the floor, or fail school or do any number of things to cut short your thinking time.  (That's that bitch karma again...and at the rate you're going she's gonna wear your ass out.)  Try to enjoy this prison sentence and your guards while it lasts.  It will end one day and you'll miss some of it.

See - before kids...I exuded fun
7) Lastly, believe it or not I didn't spend my teen years daydreaming about having babies, making lunches, chauffeuring kids to sports, getting up early, making other people food, repeating myself a million times and cleaning up shit I didn't leave all over my house.  I daydreamed of being a doctor and being rich(not actually working) going out with my girlfriends, sleeping late and spending all of my money on clothes and spa services and European vacations.  Life happened and I got you guys instead, BUT I would choose each one of you a million times over given the choice (even with the attitudes and eye rolls).  Please try and remember - I'm not just "mom", I'm a person too.  I have feelings and shit just like other people.  I also don't inherently enjoy cleaning up messes I didn't create and repeating myself 5 million times.  Most importantly, remember that when I'm doing something for one of you guys (buying you perfume, driving you to practice, hosting a sleepover, etc.)  there's a good chance I've given up something I wanted or modified my plans to
make yours work. Thank you goes a long way in mommy currency.
This is how I pictured my 20-40's
   You 3 people are the reason I get up each day and work hard to get you everything you want and need, but cut me some freaking slack every now and then.  It's not a cake walk raising you monsters either.  I teeter on a thin line between raising successful humans and causing hundreds of thousands of dollars in therapy.

In summary - those are the 7 things that might be helpful for you to know now, but mainly just don't be an asshole.  I will always win and I can make the next 5 years as painful or as pleasant as your actions require.  Plus...Karma.  She is a real whore and she will come to pay you back.....

Love you

PS....can you for the love of god please take your laundry downstairs?!?!?!

Life with Baby Kicks