Monday, April 10, 2017

I'm a Giant Douche (I Even Have My Own Flute)

I finally did it - I decided to stop smoking (and actually moved beyond the saying it part and jumped right into doing it..sort far....)

Go ahead with your stroke or convulsion.
I'll wait....

I initially quit cold turkey, but two days into it I felt like a fucking lunatic and the poor hubs was seconds away from locking me in the basement or knocking me out.  With good reason.
See, in addition to just being a typical moody dick with no nicotine I raised the bar a bit and became a complete asshole-douchebag-shitface-demon-lady.

I literally got up from taking a NAP to yell at the husband for putting the dishes away too loudly.
As he looked at me in confusion and disbelief  I saw a slight twitch at the corner of his mouth.  Looking back on it now I'm sure he was shocked at my outburst and he was trying to figure out what the fuck to say to the crazy lady in his kitchen.

Back when I still smoked  - look how happy we both are
Unfortunately, the nicotine deprived monster bitch in my body saw that as a smile - and that meant he was laughing at me!!! At that moment I wanted to claw his eyes out with every fiber in my being.  I was sane enough to walk away and know that I was being a giant douche-canoe for no reason.  My saint of a husband didn't
even get angry or call me a giant douche-canoe.  He simply kept on putting the dishes away while I stomped off to be angry.  (Because clearly there is nothing worse than someone else doing your dishes and putting them away too loudly.... (Yeah, I'm a total dick)

Poor D endured another day of this shit show (and never once called me a bad name or pushed me down the stairs)
By day two even I had to admit I was being a giant horse's ass so I accepted defeat and headed to the gas station for a pack of smokes.

I don't deserve his kind of goodness
I have no idea what possessed me to stop at the vape shop instead, but I did,  and before I knew it I was talking to some kid about flavor juice and nicotine content and coil packs and all kinds of douche-y shit that made my eyes roll up into my skull.  It felt like time had reversed and I was once again the 13 year old who just started smoking.  Not knowing what I was doing or if I was making a damn fool of myself.  If that isn't bad enough I went ahead and bought my very own vape pen (or douche cigar as I call it).  Now I get to admit I'm a "vaper"... like all those 20-something idiot millennials I usually make fun of.

In the past (when I still had my self-respect) whenever I came across a "vaper" you could literally hear my eyes rolling.

Now that's me...the one hiding over there in a corner sucking fruit-flavored non-smoke just so I don't force my husband into stabbing me 78 times in the face because of my shitty attitude.

Anyway, I don't know if I can truly call it quitting with the whole nicotine infused cluster fuck contraption, but I'm no longer setting shit on fire and inhaling the smoke...  It's at least a step in the right every way except my image.

I am making progress.  It's been 8 days so far and I've been fairly successful.  I've cheated a few times, but the stars must have aligned for me because they tasted horrible and each one got worse.  I miss enjoying my smokes but the cravings for a physical cigarette and the action of smoking it are starting to go away.

I've tried to quit twice in the past and I only lasted 2 days and 48 minutes....I'm at motherfucking-eight-days!  (I'm also cheap and this douche cigar cost me $80 bucks so I'm gonna use it till it dies or blows my teeth right outta my head)

I think the hardest part in quitting for me is that I still really liked my cigarettes.
I even made smoking look artsy fartsy fancy

I never got tired of the taste, or resentful of the cost  - I enjoyed my smokes and the many quiet breaks my smoking habit afforded me.

I never really wanted to quit in truth.
I wasn't "DONE" or sick or angry.
I wish I could be like other people who get fed up with it all.  They get to the point that they don't enjoy the taste or the smell or the ritual.

Not me.
I crave everything about cigarettes; the taste, the smell, the feel of taking a drag, 7 minutes of silence while i smoke in the garage (it's my special place where no kids are allowed - it's attached to the house where the terrorists reside with their teenhole sister, 3 dogs, a cat and god knows what else slips in unnoticed)

Even now, after having two cigarettes that tasted like garbage I still miss my damn smokes.
"I know I could enjoy them again if I just give it 3 days and a pack of Marlborough Lights"  (That was my actual though after realizing the taste wasn't as good anymore...)

I didn't quit because I wanted to.
I didn't quit because I want to be more active with my kids.
I didn't quit because I wanted to save money and I didn't quit because it was currently affecting my health.

I've been smoking for 23 years.  I never felt bad about it really.  For quite a few of those years I was active in sports, working out and even running.   I'd smoke before the gym and smoke after the gym...hell I was up and smoking a cigarette as soon as the epidural wore off after having each of my kids.   I was a super dedicated and overachieving smoker.  

So why did I quit?
I quit because I'm terrified.  I have lost 3 important people in my life in the last 5 months to lung cancer alone and there's another one battling it now.  (Every one of them was a smoker.  Two of them quit more than a decade ago.)
It gets better...Have I mentioned my stellar genetics?
The Moms has had cancer 3 times,
My dad died of cancer (and stupidity),
Both grandfathers had cancer (one of them had 2 different types I think),
An uncle had some other kind of cancer.
And this is only in my immediate family.

I'm playing with losing odds and I'm terrified.  (Clearly, I'm also a REALLY fucking slow learner)

I'm finally angry enough to quit.
I'm angry that even though I'm going through this whole shit show of quitting smoking it could very well be for nothing.  I might end up just like my friends.
I'm angry that this controlled me for so long and that I allowed it to put me in this predicament (I didn't even get a diamond or a car for this commitment).
I'm angry that I won't really know if I've caused irreparable damage until it's too late.
I'm angry that I did this willingly and knowingly.
I'm especially angry that I now look like a fucking ass-hat sucking on my douchey $80 vape pen so I don't lose my shit over chores I don't have to do.

This is what I do now....awesome
But I'm least that's what I tell myself.  It's been 8 days and I've only had a few smokes. I've spent all but a few evenings in the company of smokers and even managed to have a few drinks and not smoke a cigarette.

I don't crave a cigarette first thing in the morning anymore and the smell is actually starting to bother me; not entice me.

I'm not even using the douche pen as often as I was in the beginning.
I'm giving myself the remainder of this bottle of nicotine infused pina colada flavored heaven then I'll quit the douche stick too....hopefully.

Before I get too sure of myself ....I do have a back up plan in case that doesn't work and I start torturing Big D again..
(I'll step down to a lower dose of nicotine  and then move to the juice with no nicotine of I still have issues - 4 more weeks max hopefully....maybe?)

For the love of god if any of you see me still sucking on this stupid contraption in June light me on fire and kick me down a hill or stairs - I'll deserve it.

Lastly, I'll just put a blanket apology out here now:  I'm sorry if  I'm a giant dick-hole to any of you.  I don't really hate your face.  Just give me a few weeks or slap a nicotine patch on my forehead and come back in 15 minutes.