Tuesday, June 30, 2015

His Truck Smells Like WHAT???

My husband hangs those horrible smelly trees in his truck.
You know, those air fresheners shaped like Christmas trees that smelly truckers adorn their cabs with. (No offense to all of my non-smelly trucker friends and family)

These little gems....clearly created by Satan
Well the hubs has a favorite tree.  It's called "black ice" and it's the only Satan tree he'll buy.  He thinks they smell good....

I disagree.  I also never pass up an opportunity to give him shit. So, anytime I get into the truck I say "Mmmmmm! It smells like Black Ice in here, YUMMY!"

He calls me an asshole.
He laughs.
I laugh.
Fun times had by all.

Until boy terrorist decided to join in on our fun...and ruin it.
Our little comedian

Apparently he's been hearing our "Black Ice" exchange and thought he'd join in.

About a week ago we all pile in to the truck to go who knows where and (I shit you not) this is what comes out of my son's mouth:

"Mmmmm Daddy! It smells like black men in here!" (And he laughed and laughed and laughed)

WHAT??? Did you just say daddy's truck smells like BLACK MEN??
It took us a bit before we realized what the hell he was talking about.

We said black ice and he heard black guys...

again...this is why we don't do "public"

Thursday, June 25, 2015

I Still Don't Know Who Wiped His Butt....

For at least 2 years now I've been bitching about Boy Terrorist's sleeping habits...as in he doesn't have any.
I think I even called him a crack head...

I can't even pinpoint the night that it all changed...

A few evenings ago I told the boy it was bedtime.  He got up, grabbed my hand and walked up to his bedroom with me.   He got in bed and asked for a kiss and that was it.
No flailing on the ground, no sobs, no protests, no begging for 10 more minutes....

When I got back downstairs and recovered from my shock I realized that bedtime has been easy with him for quite some time now.

Holy shit....he's growing up.  I began to curse time and wrack my brain for all the other things he wasn't doing anymore.
Did he still ask for hugs, did he still need daddy to read him a story, when was the last time he asked me to wipe his butt.....shit! literally shit!

I didn't have time to evaluate any further because of the howling coming from upstairs.
That howling was high pitched and coming from the room next to the golden boy.  As I got closer I could make out the sentence.  "MOOOOOOM!  I need a drink of water!"  over and over and over...and louder each time.

I got princess terrorist her drink of water and realized that we didn't even have to get the golden boy water anymore - he just tells us what he's doing and gets his own water and goes back to bed.

I began to curse time again....again I was interrupted by princess terrorist - she needed a story, then a kiss, then a hug.....then she was crying but didn't know why.

Next she needed a band aid for her shoulder....I don't know why.  I didn't even ask her.  It was almost midnight and I would have covered her pretty little body with band aids if it meant I could get some fucking sleep.

About a week into this ritual I realized that the tides have shifted.
My boy is growing up.

Whats more depressing than my boy growing up is the fact that his sister is following in his footsteps and she's worse than he EVER was!!!

I didn't have much time to dwell on this either because as soon as I got into his new chapter the bastards turned the table on us once again...

For the last week both kids have gone to bed quietly and with little resistance.  I should have known they were up to something....

 About 25 minutes after we put them to bed (just long enough for us to get comfortable in our own bed)  we hear a blood curdling scream come from the boys room.
Only one problem - it's his sister's voice making the scream...
We run in to the boys room and there he is SOUND ASLEEP.  Just behind him is his sister.  Screaming because she wants down.  (If you don't remember Jax has a fancy loft firehouse bed that's accessed through a cutout ladder)
This is in my bed and as you can see it's daylight so of course they're both sound asleep....

We're still not sure how he gets her up there, but we're going on night 3 of this shit and it's like fucking groundhog day.

I don't know whether I should be sad that he's growing up, happy that he loves his sister or just pray for the madness to stop.

I am in the market for a ladder though.  Maybe if she can get herself down after the boy nods off we can all get some sleep....

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Hello My Name is Ashley and My Kids Make Me Seem Like an Alcoholic

To strangers...

Bringing the kids to the liquor store has always made me feel weird....like I was bringing them to a crack house.  (I know, I look like I have my shit together, but this is the weirdo shit that runs through my brain: liquor store +toddler= crack house)

I feel like everyone's looking at me and thinking "Look at that lady, she can't even take her kids home before getting that barrel of booze"...Well, that and I generally don't bring the terrorists anywhere in public - definitely not a store full of breakable glass bottles.  (I call them terrorists for a reason)

Daddy's a little more sane than mommy and a lot more adventurous.  He takes the terrorists EVERYWHERE!

This is typically a good thing.  They get fresh air, they see the sky....mommy stays home and has peace and quiet.

Well as it turns out Daddy's been taking them to the liquor store.  Now I know it's not an actual crack house and on the surface you're thinking "SO WHAT"
Here's the deal...the liquor stores give out suckers (lolly pops, dum-dum's, whatever they're called).  Boy terrorist likes them A LOT...
This is the little sucker addict here...prob pouting because he has no sucker
 I was shocked a few weeks ago when we drove by the LQ  (liquor store for short) and my son screamed "Stop at the sucker store mom! I want a sucker!"Mainly because he actually recognized the place.  This went on for a few weeks.  Annoying if I was in a hurry but harmless and kind of cute.

What was not cute was when we went to the grocery store and my son had an all out meltdown because he wanted to go to the liquor store for suckers (we pass by it on the way tot he grocery store).
"I WANT TO GO TO THE LIQUOR STORE!!!!....puuuuulease Mommy, bring me to the liquor store."    This went on the entire shopping trip.

No, the little shit didn't follow that with "because I want a sucker"  he just kept begging me to take him to the liquor store like a 40 year man old man hell bent on starting a week long bender.....

I think I would have gotten less looks had I lit a cigarette and asked him to hold it for me while I shopped.

This is why we don't do "public"
This is also why I better never be stuck in a nursing home.

As a side note this is what happens when Jaxon tries to be and hold his sucker at the same time....
Unfortunately I don't have a picture of him. He was in a corner crying because  we wouldn't let him keep sucking on it....

That's the sucker

Removing the sucker with a grabber tool...

Modern Dad Pages

Thursday, June 11, 2015

My Husband is A Dick

Since I usually dish on everyone else I might as well share one on me....

I went to get my eyebrows threaded a few weeks back.  (It's like waxing or tweezing just with thread)
Anyway, she also offers henna eyebrow dyeing.  I am absolutely incapable of using eyebrow pencils successfully so I thought this would be a good plan.  (No I don't know why, I just did.)

I should back up here....
I was perusing Weld County Buy, Sell and Trade when I saw an add for eyebrow threading and dyeing FOR ONLY $20!!!!  (It's like Craigslist for my area on FB) That's when I realized that I NEEDED my eyebrows threaded and dyed.

So I made an appointment.
On the day of...well actually in the parking lot of the apartment where the eyebrow magic was going to take place I decided that maybe this was a little sketchy.  (The threading was to happen in the apartment not the parking lot...I just realized the sketch factor in the parking lot)

Anyway, I realized no one knew where I was or what I was doing so I sent a quick message to the BFF and I was off.

(See the messages below for your enjoyment:)

So I made it out of my appointment alive.
The threading looked awesome!!!  The henna dye....well it was DARK!!!  She asked me to choose dark or light brown.  I went with dark.  Holy-fucking-goat-balls!! It was BLACK!!! 

Now on some people I'm sure it would have been fine.  But I literally NEVER add any color to my eyebrows, not to mention I rarely ever wear make-up.  My eyebrows stole the show that was my face.

I went to the BFF's place and scrubbed for a while with baking soda, lemon juice and dawn dish soap (cause that's what the internet and her boyfriends hand soap preferences said)
She did a pretty good job of not pointing and laughing -only cause she just had surgery and couldn't.

I was able to tone it down a bit and I guess got used to the stinging caterpillars on my face, because I thought they looked fine.  Maybe a little more "polished" but nothing over the top.
If you've ever lived in Louisiana you've seen these...well they were living on my face.

Clearly I was wrong.  As soon as the husband walked in the door his mouth fell open.  He looked at me like I had grown a testicle on my forehead and couldn't stop laughing.  He asked me what I did to my eyebrows.  (Now this is a man who doesn't notice when I cut my hair, dye my hair or wax my eyebrows - EVEN when the skin is screaming red!)

For reference this is what they looked like.... (ok, honestly, looking back maybe they were a tiny bit over done....)

 I even put on make-up to make them "blend"

This giggling from the hubby continued for about 15 minutes.  
We'd be talking and he'd just start laughing at my face.... 
Awesome right?  

It gets better... 
I move next to him on the couch so he doesn't have to look at me and laugh, and he starts laughing hysterically.  He leans over and hands me his phone.

This is what was on the screen:

 My husband is a dick.....

The eyebrows have faded and look good now.  I think I'll try light brown next....

Domestic Momster
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And We'll Call Him Benjamin...Benjamin Button

Sorry for the lack of posts lately.  I don't know if it's the fact that it's summer and we're stupid busy or if we've just quit being shocked by our kids antics.

Who am I kidding...the kids never fail to shock us -  they're fucking insane.  But the fact that it's summer brings me to the latest of the boys antics.

I should explain...my son normally gets haircuts at the salon.  He needs them about every 20 minutes or so.  Seriously, the kid has more hair than I do.

Now that it's summer haircuts switch to homemade.  It's finally warm enough to buzz the boys head, which translates to saving $30 every 2 weeks so I'm all in.

This whole process is also made easier because Daddy shaves his head too and we all know whatever Daddy does is cool.   The difference here is that Daddy shaves his head because the hairs on top aren't keeping up with the hairs on the side.

Until a few weeks ago we just assumed that this minor detail had gone unnoticed by the boy...

Back to the haircut:
So, D takes the boy terrorist upstairs to shave his head.  No more than 45 seconds later my son comes barreling down the stairs with one bald strip shaved into the middle of his noggin crying.  It appears as though he's changed his mind.  NOT a good stopping point.

We get him back upstairs and talk him back into shaving the rest of his head (as long as mommy does it).  I proceed to shave off the remaining hair on the top of his head.  As soon as I get to the side section right above his ear he starts crying again.

Confused,  I ask him what's wrong this now.  Following is the remainder of our conversation:
Me: What's wrong bud?
Jax: I want my hair like daddy's (still sobbing and ducking away from the clippers)
Me: That's what we're doing,  I'm shaving your head like daddy's
Jax: NO YOUR NOT!!!  You're shaving my all head! (translates to you're shaving my whole head)  I  want mine JUST like daddy's!!!

At this point I look at Derek - who hasn't shaved his head in a few weeks.  The realization hits me and I started laughing so hard I had to sit down.  D still looks a little lost at the whole scene.
Through my laughter and tears I manage to explain to D that what Jaxon wants is the same haircut (or lack of) that he has at that exact moment.

My 3-year old child has just asked me to shave a cul-de-sac onto his head.  And he's fucking serious!!!
I stop and put him in front of the mirror...and show him what he looks like:

Me:  This is what you want?  (Because even though he stated he wanted "Daddy's Hair" I assume when he sees it he'll change his mind.  Hell, even Daddy doesn't want Daddy's haircut.)
Jax: Yep, like Daddy's.  Long on the sides.

We didn't actually let him keep that fiasco on his head...instead daddy shaved his "all head" to match Jaxon.

Had I known that my son wanted to look like Benjamin buttons I would have been more careful about shaving the top into a perfect cul-de-sac so he could have at least sported the do for a few days.

The bonus to all of this....We found the kids Halloween costume!!!

Domestic Momster