Wednesday, September 7, 2016

7 Things I Want My Daughter To Know....TODAY, RIGHT NOW (...so maybe she'll quit being a dick)

I spent the 1st half of my day today at work trying to track down and fix problems I didn't create.
I spent the 2nd half of my day trying to fit 4 hours of work into 2 so I could leave work twice to drop the teenager off at cheer and pick her up again.  (I also managed to have just about everything that could go wrong, in fact go wrong.)

The opposite of Asshole - this is when she's being awesome!
Upon picking up teenager I learned she didn't actually go to school today - it was a half day and she "didn't feel good".
If you follow my blog or know me even slightly you already know what a shit show grades are when it comes to this one.  Anyway, the teen got a little ass chewing and was told that she wouldn't be deciding her attendance until she could make passing grades.
I think this is what ruined her mood, but she wouldn't actually speak to me so I'm not certain....

I asked a few times but she was insistent on staring out the window and making a "something smells like shit face" instead.

So, as I was driving I was thinking of all of the pearls of wisdom I could impart on her or maybe just point out that I stopped what I was doing (and made more work for myself in) order to make sure she got to do what she wanted, then I took another look at her unchanged "something smells like shit" face and realized that it would be a waste of time and breath.
I also realized that all of these "10 things I want my daughter to know before she..." lists are great and thoughtful and all that jazz but they really don't do dick for the here and now.

So here are The Seven Things I Want My Asshole Teenager To Know....like right now:

This is when I was an asshole -
I'm still apologizing for these years
1) I know you're calling me names in your head, rolling your eyes when I'm not looking and mainly wishing I'd just shut up and leave you alone. (I've even seen the texts and the colorful things you've written about me)  It's cool though.  I was a teen once and I did that too.  But mainly it's cool because I'm still doing it to you....oh yeah - while you're rolling your eyes or making stink faces I'm calling you all kinds of names.  PS - I'm 35 and I work in construction - my names win.  (Here's a plan - you keep yours to yourself and make damn sure you don't actually ever say them to me aloud and I won't tell you all of the shit I've called you - we'll both be better for it)  PPS...I also flip you off behind your back (sometimes it's the only thing stopping you from getting beat)


One day you'll even put a pic of us as your FB Profile
....I'll be over here waiting
2) In just 5 short years you will begin your real adult life and in the excitement of being a young adult on your own you will most likely forget our fights during the teenage years. So will I (or I'll take a cue from your granny and graciously pretend like I can't remember all that "minor" stuff)  Here's the really creepy thing - one day you will have your own children and your own fights and attitudes to navigate -  in that moment you will remember with unsettling clarity exactly what you said when you made your mom cry or when you actually hurt her feelings for real. You will apologize and she will accept, but you will know that some things can never be unsaid.  Choose your words and actions carefully because you will be faced with them again.

3) I'll continue on that train of thought:  Basically everything you do will come back to bite you in the ass.  In the form of one or all of your children.  It's called karma, she is a bitch and she is real.  I can attest to that...you my dear, are my penance for all of the shit I put my own mom through. (She laughs at me when I tell her stories....like literally chuckles at my misery.  I will do the same to you)

4) I want you to grow up and think for yourself, don't be a follower if you don't agree with the majority.  Fight for the things you see as fair and just.  Don't be afraid to go against the grain.  Don't ever be afraid to be different.  Except in my house.  Just don't.  Social injustice has nothing to do with sleepovers, phone privileges or the length of your grounding.  Don't argue it'll only make it worse. Here's a good rule of thumb - expect to be grounded for one month for every major infraction.  If you think whatever it is that you're planning on doing is worth that month then give it a shot.  But if you choose to risk it 1) take your punishment like the adult you thought you were when you willingly broke the rules (that means take it quietly and no I smell shit face"  like it's my fault) and 2) know that I'm the dictator in this little country.  I can and will do as I please.  That month could turn into 3 or you might just find yourself standing in front of your school with sign around your neck and those Velcro Walmart shoes I always threaten you with.  It's really a crap shoot...


5) I know your little brother is annoying as hell sometimes (we all know that- he's 5) but you need to try and be patient with him and cut him a little slack.  You were 5 once and we didn't sell you.  More importantly he is your family.  As you get older you'll realize they are what matters...you'll realize they always were what mattered and in the end they're all you can really count on.  By the time you realize this you'll be so deep into your own hectic life that you'll depend on the bond you created in childhood to keep you connected when life gets in the way.  Also, he's you're built in protector.  He'll protect you fiercely from anyone or anything that might make you cry.  When your young adult life is going to hell in a hand basket you'll want your back up.  (he also might be a serial killer - you don't wanna piss him off in that case either)

6) You won't immediately believe this, but it's true....you will miss all of this one day.  You'll spend the next 5 years fighting and clawing for your independence.  If you're anything like me you'll run like the fucking wind as soon as you get it.ENJOY IT-  because life will have another surprise for you (FYI - life is constantly fucking with you, this won't be the only plot twist, but you can be surprised by the rest).  Like I was saying, as soon as you have that independence thing sorta mastered you'll be slapped in the face with a family and babies.  You'll realize you're actually calling the woman that caused all of those eye rolls and asking for advice and, like totally listening to it!  If that weren't weird enough those babies turn into asshole teenagers and you'll begin hearing my voice coming out of your mouth.  ....AND your eyes won't automatically get sucked up into your eye sockets!!!  You're actually pretty proud that you picked up some of that shit.  Somewhere along all of this you'll begin wondering why you ever really left at all...you won't remember what made you feel like you needed to run and you'll wonder why you traded a full time maid and chef for a mortgage and toilets that no one but you ever cleans.  Mostly you'll wonder how you didn't notice what a kick ass mom you had the whole time...you'll start to dwell on it but someone will shit on the floor, or fail school or do any number of things to cut short your thinking time.  (That's that bitch karma again...and at the rate you're going she's gonna wear your ass out.)  Try to enjoy this prison sentence and your guards while it lasts.  It will end one day and you'll miss some of it.


See - before kids...I exuded fun
7) Lastly, believe it or not I didn't spend my teen years daydreaming about having babies, making lunches, chauffeuring kids to sports, getting up early, making other people food, repeating myself a million times and cleaning up shit I didn't leave all over my house.  I daydreamed of being a doctor and being rich(not actually working) going out with my girlfriends, sleeping late and spending all of my money on clothes and spa services and European vacations.  Life happened and I got you guys instead, BUT I would choose each one of you a million times over given the choice (even with the attitudes and eye rolls).  Please try and remember - I'm not just "mom", I'm a person too.  I have feelings and shit just like other people.  I also don't inherently enjoy cleaning up messes I didn't create and repeating myself 5 million times.  Most importantly, remember that when I'm doing something for one of you guys (buying you perfume, driving you to practice, hosting a sleepover, etc.)  there's a good chance I've given up something I wanted or modified my plans to
make yours work. Thank you goes a long way in mommy currency.
This is how I pictured my 20-40's
   You 3 people are the reason I get up each day and work hard to get you everything you want and need, but cut me some freaking slack every now and then.  It's not a cake walk raising you monsters either.  I teeter on a thin line between raising successful humans and causing hundreds of thousands of dollars in therapy.

In summary - those are the 7 things that might be helpful for you to know now, but mainly just don't be an asshole.  I will always win and I can make the next 5 years as painful or as pleasant as your actions require.  Plus...Karma.  She is a real whore and she will come to pay you back.....

Love you
Mom


PS....can you for the love of god please take your laundry downstairs?!?!?!









Life with Baby Kicks


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