I spent the 2nd half of my day trying to fit 4 hours of work into 2 so I could leave work twice to drop the teenager off at cheer and pick her up again. (I also managed to have just about everything that could go wrong, in fact go wrong.)
The opposite of Asshole - this is when she's being awesome!
If you follow my blog or know me even slightly you already know what a shit show grades are when it comes to this one. Anyway, the teen got a little ass chewing and was told that she wouldn't be deciding her attendance until she could make passing grades.
I think this is what ruined her mood, but she wouldn't actually speak to me so I'm not certain....
I asked a few times but she was insistent on staring out the window and making a "something smells like shit face" instead.
So, as I was driving I was thinking of all of the pearls of wisdom I could impart on her or maybe just point out that I stopped what I was doing (and made more work for myself in) order to make sure she got to do what she wanted, then I took another look at her unchanged "something smells like shit" face and realized that it would be a waste of time and breath.
I also realized that all of these "10 things I want my daughter to know before she..." lists are great and thoughtful and all that jazz but they really don't do dick for the here and now.
So here are The Seven Things I Want My
Asshole Teenager To Know....like right now:
This is when I was an asshole -
I'm still apologizing for these years
One day you'll even put a pic of us as your FB Profile
....I'll be over here waiting
3) I'll continue on that train of thought: Basically everything you do will come back to bite you in the ass. In the form of one or all of your children. It's called karma, she is a bitch and she is real. I can attest to that...you my dear, are my penance for all of the shit I put my own mom through. (She laughs at me when I tell her stories....like literally chuckles at my misery. I will do the same to you)
4) I want you to grow up and think for yourself, don't be a follower if you don't agree with the majority. Fight for the things you see as fair and just. Don't be afraid to go against the grain. Don't ever be afraid to be different. Except in my house. Just don't. Social injustice has nothing to do with sleepovers, phone privileges or the length of your grounding. Don't argue it'll only make it worse. Here's a good rule of thumb - expect to be grounded for one month for every major infraction. If you think whatever it is that you're planning on doing is worth that month then give it a shot. But if you choose to risk it 1) take your punishment like the adult you thought you were when you willingly broke the rules (that means take it quietly and no I smell shit face" like it's my fault) and 2) know that I'm the dictator in this little country. I can and will do as I please. That month could turn into 3 or you might just find yourself standing in front of your school with sign around your neck and those Velcro Walmart shoes I always threaten you with. It's really a crap shoot...
6) You won't immediately believe this, but it's true....you will miss all of this one day. You'll spend the next 5 years fighting and clawing for your independence. If you're anything like me you'll run like the fucking wind as soon as you get it.ENJOY IT- because life will have another surprise for you (FYI - life is constantly fucking with you, this won't be the only plot twist, but you can be surprised by the rest). Like I was saying, as soon as you have that independence thing sorta mastered you'll be slapped in the face with a family and babies. You'll realize you're actually calling the woman that caused all of those eye rolls and asking for advice and, like totally listening to it! If that weren't weird enough those babies turn into asshole teenagers and you'll begin hearing my voice coming out of your mouth. ....AND your eyes won't automatically get sucked up into your eye sockets!!! You're actually pretty proud that you picked up some of that shit. Somewhere along all of this you'll begin wondering why you ever really left at all...you won't remember what made you feel like you needed to run and you'll wonder why you traded a full time maid and chef for a mortgage and toilets that no one but you ever cleans. Mostly you'll wonder how you didn't notice what a kick ass mom you had the whole time...you'll start to dwell on it but someone will shit on the floor, or fail school or do any number of things to cut short your thinking time. (That's that bitch karma again...and at the rate you're going she's gonna wear your ass out.) Try to enjoy this prison sentence and your guards while it lasts. It will end one day and you'll miss some of it.
|See - before kids...I exuded fun|
make yours work. Thank you goes a long way in mommy currency.
|This is how I pictured my 20-40's|
In summary - those are the 7 things that might be helpful for you to know now, but mainly just don't be an asshole. I will always win and I can make the next 5 years as painful or as pleasant as your actions require. Plus...Karma. She is a real whore and she will come to pay you back.....
PS....can you for the love of god please take your laundry downstairs?!?!?!