Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Adoption Storks, Belly Button Tubes & Magic Vaginas

Yup you read that right...
Adoption storks, belly button tubes and magic vagina's was the car ride topic a few days ago.  (I blush a little just thinking about it.)

Thanks to the terrorists we were once again trapped in an enclosed space forced to talk about uncomfortable shit.  (At least it was we this time and not me.)

Before I get to the actual conversation there are a few facts you need to know about us and some back story needed for this to all make sense.

First off we're pretty open about body parts and call most everything by it's actual name.
No "wee wee" and "pee pee" here. (Well except for Jaxon's balls - He couldn't say testicles when he was little and I couldn't practice that word with him over and over with a straight face so we called them balls and moved on.)    In our house it's totally common to hear the toddlers talking about penis' and vagina's.  They were so close in age we had to explain the whole "girls have vagina's and boys have penises" thing pretty early on.

Secondly, Lannie is fascinated with the body.  Like actual organs and shit.  It's really weird for a 3
year old, but maybe she'll be a surgeon and pay for a nice nursing home for me one day.
Anyway, she gets on theses kicks and wants to know specifics about specific body parts.  A few weeks ago it was the "neck tubes"  or what normal people call the esophagus.  She made me show her pictures (thanks google) and wanted to know what it did.  There have been others but the only important one to this story is the belly button.  Months ago Lannie was asking about her belly button.  I did the best I could at coming up with a simple answer.  I told her it was a tube that she used to eat when she was in my tummy and that it connected from my tummy to hers so we could share my food.  Jax happened to be in on this discussion as well.

Lastly, is the fact that Derek is adopted.  It's not a secret and Derek's parents are pretty open about it.  His dad likes to tease him and tell him that they picked him up and had a 30 day return policy.  Jax has also heard this too.  I think he thinks that Derek wasn't ever actually in anyone's tummy, he was just picked up at a baby store or something.

With that being said let me share the story of the most uncomfortable car ride with the terrorists to date:

It was a few days ago and we were going to the movies.  (Me, D, Jax and Lannie)  The kids were asking to see some new movie about storks.  It isn't out yet so we saw something else, but I think that's how we got on the subject of storks, belly buttons and magic vagina's.

I wasn't paying much attention to the terrorists in the back but I heard them conversing about storks and how not all babies were delivered by storks.  Some came out of mommy's tummy's.  I think Jaxon's final consensus was that adopted babies get delivered by storks and all other babies come from mommy's tummy.  Well Lannie being Lannie didn't agree and there started the "the conversation"

Someone from the back asked me if babies came from mommies tummies. I replied yes and thought the conversation was over.

Fucking WRONG!

As soon as the terrorists mulled that over they wanted to know how the babies got out.
"Um, Um..." I stammered to buy time.  I looked at Derek and he shrugged.  So we pretended like the question was never asked and hoped that was it.

NOPE...of course not

They came up with their own solution.
Jaxon: "So babies just pop out of mommies tummies"
Me: Yep (shooting a Sideways look at Derek - he had nothin')
Jaxon: "So we popped out of your tummy?"
Me: "Yep" (I'm keeping it short and sweet hoping a piece of lint with attract their attention...but they just wouldn't let it go....)
Jaxon: "So wheres the scar on your belly that we popped out of"
Lannie: "Yeah wheres the scar?  What did we pop out of?"  (She's a damn instigator!)
Me: "Um.....my belly button?"  I did in fact ask this as a question because I wasn't sure if they were gonna buy it
Jaxon: "No the belly button is the baby food tube remember."  Sonofabitch...no, actually i didn't remember that.  "So where does the baby pop out of?"

I look over at D and he's kind of giggling (we both are - we clearly weren't prepared for this conversation yet)
By this time I know I'm not getting out of this one with some lame ass story and I'm trying to decide just how accurate I'm gonna be.  I look over at D and give him the "What the fuck do I say" look.  He shrugs and smiles.  (remember he's a dick)
I go with not very specific...but I say it fast. (Maybe that'll work)

Me: "Um, Uh...babiescomeoutofbutts"  (yeah, if you slow that down I told my 5 & almost 4 year old children that babies.come.out.of.butts.  I meant the general butt/nether region....they understood "ass hole"
Jax took it more literal....
Jax: "NO! You don't poop babies!"  laughing at me like I'm purposely making a joke "You poop turds!"
Me: "Well it's kinds like that.... they come out somewhere down there" (this is seriously never gonna end....)
Lannie: "So where does the baby pop out of mommy?"  I know this is going to have to be good because Doogie Howser is gonna want pictures soon....

Right then I had the best idea EVER!!!!

Me: "I was laying in a bed when you popped out I couldn't see.  I just know it was down there by my butt.  Ask Daddy - he was watching...he knows"
I was so pleased with myself I didn't even remember to get a glimpse of Daddy's face.

Daddy however cut right to the chase....
Derek: "Babies come out of Vaginas - you came out of your mom's vagina"
Terrorists: "Ewww, No we didn't!"
Me & Derek: "Yup.  That's what happened"

I think it took Lannie a little longer to process.  I vaguely remember her looking at me then down at her "stuff" and I'm pretty sure she decided that vaginas are magic.  I know I heard "magic vagina" at some point, but Derek and I were giggling like school girls and trying act "adult-ish"  so I kind of lost the rest of their conversation.

And just like that it was over.

But it's never really ever over with the terrorists.
They're just waiting for the opportunity to blindside me.  That's what they do.

So.....

To the lady in the checkout line sometime in the near future:  I apologize my daughter kept asking you if you have a magic vagina with babies in there.  She didn't mean to weird you out.  I know she keeps staring at it like it's gonna do a trick - feel free to turn around and ignore us.

To the parents who's kid believes in storks: I'm so sorry Jaxon convinced him he's adopted.  On the up side, if you're reading this you already have a road map of the conversation.  Just skip the butt hole baby....go straight to magic vagina and just get it over with.

I've given my apologies.  Now may I suggest that if you have kids and we're friends you either stop inviting us over or go ahead and prepare to explain this shit to your kids to...mine are most def. going to impart their wisdom on yours.   







Life Love and Dirty Dishes