Wednesday, October 12, 2016

"Welcome to Our Home...Please Kill My Dog"

**Note:  Russ AKA: The Russ That Killed Libby did elaborate...see below for details that I forgot.

I'm almost 14 years into this human-raising thing and the majority of the time I feel like I've got this shit down.

I didn't say:
I have this shit down 
I've got this 
I'm a human raising pro....

That would be a complete lie.  There are still times when I look at the 2 terrorists and Big Red and I'm thoroughly amazed that all 3 are still alive and and have the correct number of limbs.
(I am convinced that the ringing in my ears that I hear off and on is a running total of therapy dollars though....)

Last weekend was one of those times....I looked at my precious terrorists and not only wondered how I haven't lost them or damaged them yet, but I knew for certain I that the therapy hours were increasing exponentially.

Most of this little shit-show story I'll be re-telling from the second-hand reports given to me by Derek (I'll be referring to him as Daddy-Death or "the destroyer of innocence) and Russ (now referred to by the terrorists as "The Russ that Killed our Dog")

Feel free to jump in and elaborate boys.....

So, last Saturday my cousin Russ flew in from Louisiana for the weekend.  He came to visit and stay the night Sunday night.  Unbeknownst to Russ we had quite the busy day planned...

We have (or had) a dog named Libby.  She's adopted, but we think she's 12 or 13.  Well, Libby hasn't been doing so well these last few months (or 2 years).  She had been steadily losing the use of her back legs along with other minor issues like crapping as she walks ALL OVER THE HOUSE.  We've been discussing putting Libby down for quite a while, but every time we get serious enough to actually schedule something she has an amazing week so we call it off. That, and the fact that she's the only dog that actually likes the terrorists (and they ADORE her) has made this the hardest decision ever.

Last week I finally put my big girl panties on and decided that it was unfair to Libby to keep her in her current condition, so I called the Vet and made an appointment to have her put down that Saturday.  The terrorists have heard us discussing having Libby "put down", but I don't think they really got the meaning. Sometime in that following week I sort of explained it to them (or just Jaxon maybe).  I don't remember but I vaguely remember one of them being upset.

This is when "The Farm" lie came into existence.  I changed that sentence from "Were putting Libby down." to "We're bringing Libby down to a farm where there are no stairs so she can get around better".  That beautiful lie worked like a charm...everyone was happy about Libby's new farm home.

....Until The destroyer of innocence ruined it all.

So I may have forgotten about Libby's impending doom (or I may have turned into a giant vagina), but I scheduled my tattoo appointment too close to the time of doggie death.  I realized I wasn't gonna make it.  Right about the time I realize this (I'm sitting in a chair, mid-tattoo) Derek is returning home with the guest of honor.  I call Derek and tell him I can't take Libby.  D magically has an important door issue he has to fix so we're at a stale mate.  Being the fixer of shit that I am I tell Derek to have Russ to go.  Send him with the dog, the credit card and our truck  - PROBLEM  SOLVED...Or so I thought.
Nope, not us....we are the living breathing representation of a hot fucking mess.  Of course it wasn't that easy.

I get a text from Derek telling me I'm a giant dick for not being there "for this".  I assumed he was either mad or Russ was bitching out too, so  I told D to tell Russ to forget it and I'd be home shortly to handle it myself.

The response I get from Daddy-Death:  "I'm just giving you shit" and "He's already gone"
Needing to know what exactly I should have been there for I give him a call and ask him to specify what happened and what I missed.  Remember, Libby was going to a fucking farm with no stairs....everyone was good.  This was a seamless plan!

Until the destroyer of innocence ruined it all....
Apparently, when they got home Derek asked Russ if he'd mind taking Libby to have her put to sleep.
There went my bullshit farm story.  Doesn't everyone tell their kids that the dog ran away or went to a farm?  I thought that was parent protocol.

In hindsight maybe I should have run down the farm story to Daddy before leaving...
So the terrorists begin to ask questions.  From what I gather Daddy was short but brutally honest.
"Russ is taking Libby to the vet where they're gonna give her a shot to make her die.  Then she's gonna go live with Jesus"


Then they cried.  Well my sweet boy Jax cried and begged Russ "the dog killer" not to kill Libby.  Lannie cried too, but she cried because she wanted to go "to see them stick the needle in her neck"
(Side note here: I think I was wrong on the serial killer predictions...It's gonna be the tiny one)

The dog killer returned and tried to fix it as best as he could.  He told Jaxon that on the way he found a farm with no stair for Libby and that's where she was.

The boy smiled from ear to ear

Until Tiny Satan Terrorist leaned in and whispered to him  "that farm is in heaven with Jesus"  and walked away....

We might have sucked at parenting this weekend, but Lannie overshadowed it by being FUCKING EVIL.  

I'm not sure if I should be grateful for the smokescreen or if I should start hiding the knives....

Russ You left out all the best parts!
Ashley It was so long tho...write it in!!!
LikeReply38 mins
Russ Well, how about how the dog who couldn't walk had to be picked up and carried into the back of the truck, decided to RUN and make me chase her through the parking lot at the humane society, or the dog who's back legs weren't working, was STANDING on them with her front paws on the door as she stared out the window smiling at me as I explained to the lady at the front counter how much pain she was in and how her back legs didn't work, or how as I was about to go into the room to pet her she had already shit all over the place.
LikeReply132 mins
Ashley  Hahaha!! Keep adding them and I'll update the post when I get home. Didn't Lannie introduce you to Libby too?
LikeReply31 mins
Russ  Yep, said "this is Libby, she's about to die" about 15 mins before D asked me to "go put her down" which means something totally different here
LikeReply28 mins
Ashley So I need you to commit to at least 3 more trips back up here....
LikeReply25 mins
Tiffany  What, you going to have him kill 3 more dogs?
LikeReply23 mins
Ashley  When it's their time not tomorrow. 2 dogs and a cat actually - besides he's familiar with the process now
LikeReply122 mins
Tiffany Lmao! You ass monkey!
LikeReply20 mins
Russ Haha, I'll come as long as you buy the ticket. Might want to do it all at once though, save you some money
LikeReply19 mins
Tiffany  Ya'll should get the story straight too. You know, the one that's about the farm in heaven with Jesus.
LikeReply17 mins
Russ Or we could just keep D from the kids

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