Thursday, October 2, 2014

We’re One IROC Short of Our Own White Trash Reality how

So I figure in my first post I’ll introduce you to the characters. (Mainly so you can comprehend how insane we all are, but also so I can send this out to all included and get their permission to upload pics and use their name when telling embarrassing stories about them)
Here’s the rundown of the family:
There’s me; Ashley.  I’m a full time working mom.  I work in construction and have an affinity towards 4 letter words.  I really fucking like them.  (see what I did there?  That was a warning.  If you’re offended now you should just move on to another blog because that was child’s play)  I’m an avid smoker who quit 16 hours ago – this lead to the blogging.  I’ve got to do something instead of smoking.  Might as well share the  insanity, right?
Next up is Dad.  Dad is also in construction and has worked out of town for the majority of the babies’ lives.  Dad just took a position at the office and no longer travels for work…we’re all waiting for him to flip his shit now that he’s home full time.  I have to admit that he’s doing really well which is disappointing.  See, he’s the one who wanted all these kids and I told him he only wanted them because he didn’t have to live with them.  If he doesn’t freak out soon it’ll mean I was wrong and he’s just better at kids than I am.  (Which cannot happen because I am never wrong and I grew those suckers.  I have to be better at them by default.)
On to the kids…
Our oldest is 21.  I didn’t actually grow him.  I got him through marriage, but 80% of the time he’s my favorite. We call him “the really-big”.  His escapades are….um…interesting but he can buy liquor on his way to the house so we let him slide sometimes.

The big is 11 and she’s a Tween (god help us all).    She expects to be treated like and adult but can’t remember to brush her own teeth…this is a daily battle.
The "Big"

Lastly we have the babies.  
"the Terrorists"

The babies aren't twins but in an effort to streamline things we treat them as such.  There’s a 3 year old boy and a 2 year old girl…we call them the terrorists.  We have not had a moments peace and quiet in the house in 3 years solely due to their existence.  We also have laughed more in the past 3 years than ever before.  (Everyone bitches about the terrorists, but in reality they are completely loved and spoiled beyond belief.)

And you can’t have a WT reality show without Ex’s!!!

Here’s what really makes people raise their eyebrows…We’re friends with both of our exes and actually hang out with each other quite often (for actual fun, not shared-kid related things)

There’s really-big’s mom.  We’ll call her Momgie.  While we were sworn enemies for quite some time the tides have turned and she’s actually a fucking riot.  Apparently the hubby has both good taste and a type, because it’s kind of like hanging out with a taller me.  We drink wine, say inappropriate things about strangers and our kids… really what more could I ask for.

Lastly, there’s the big’s dad.  We also get along well.  Some days he’s kind of like my 5th kid but it’s all forgiven because he keeps Popsicles in his freezer for the terrorists.  The terrorists ADORE him.  I’m just waiting for both of them to be fully potty trained (the terrorist not big’s dad).  Once they finally are he’s getting all 3 on his weekly visits, not just the tween.  Mommy will take a vacation when and where she can get it.

See, add an Iroc and a few mullets and we’d have our own show….maybe I should contact TLC…..