Friday, March 13, 2015

What I Would Actually Say....

I found this links a few minutes ago:
It's called 50 Things Every Girl Should Be Able to Say to Her Best Friend.

I read it an realized that I wouldn't say ANY of these things to my best friend.  Maybe to some of my acquaintances, but that's just not how my bf and I talk to each other - we're a little more "colorful" and that's why we hang out....Or maybe that's why no one else hangs out with us...

(Before I get started I should introduce you to my BF.  Her name is Jessica and she's a giant.  For reals....Well, to me she is.  I'm 4'-11" and she's every bit of 6'-0" if not taller.  We're like mutt and Jeff and pretty much polar opposites in every sense - except for our sarcastic nature and use of curse words.  Our conversations are profanity laced and hysterical.  She one of only 3 ladies that I consider a true best friend.  I love that I can tell her literally anything....she'll totally judge me for it but she'll say it out loud to me.  I've thrown a few pictures in of us so you can see the actual differences in height.)

Anyway I revised the list...enjoy!

1. You already had your cheat meal today.  If I eat that last piece of pizza I’m going to shit my pants (that I already can’t wear cause I ate the last piece the last 6 times)
2. Seriously, you’ll be pissed that you ate that slice of pizza tomorrow.
Fuck it lets get burgers and say we ate healthy
3. That outfit isn’t the most flattering.
You kind of look like a homeless hooker in that
4. That $100 dress isn’t worth it. You’re going to wear it once.
I get it you’re like 11 feet tall buy the $180 jeans and lets go find some food
5. That $100 dress doesn’t look good on you.
Again, you kind of look like a homeless hooker and why do you have $100 to blow on a dress?
6. Stop being such a b*tch to your mom.
I called you a C**t on FB…did your mom see that shit?
7. You’re being really annoying.
You need drugs Debbie Downer – seriously I got a doctor for that…
8. Stop over analyzing. Relax.
Go get drunk and quit whining
9. He’s making you look stupid.
Fucking run or quit bitching about it…you have 2 choices.  Whining isn’t one of them
10. Do you really like him? Or do you like the attention?
 Again… Fucking run or quit bitching about it…you have 2 choices.  Whining isn’t one of them
11. You deserve to be texted at 9 p.m. not 2 a.m.
Who cares what the f you deserve – go effing find him and break his phone – then he has a reason not to text you
12. STFU, please.  Are you going to keep bitching or are you gonna help me drink this?
13. Stop complaining you failed the test… you didn’t even study.
Eh…not at our age
14. Get your shit together.
You’re a fucking trainwreck dude, but I still love you
15. You’re killing my vibe.
- You need drugs Debbie Downer – seriously I got a doctor for that…
16. I know you don’t like so and so, but she’s never done anything to me.
Another one not in our world – she’s the friendly one – I don’t like people’s faces
17. I love you.
18. Are we dressing cute or homeless?
 Awesome – I’m wearing my yoga pants in public too then…
19. Can you come sit with me and watch me eat?
Oh you’re on another one of your 2 calorie meal plans -  cool.  Here’s a carrot…you can watch me eat this whole pizza.  Want some?  It’s good!
20. If I get denied from the bar, you can stay.
Screw you – if I get kicked out you’re coming with me
21. If you get denied from the bar, I’ll leave with you.  – of course
22. You look orange. Woah – nice tan oompa loompa – you should get a loofah and a refund

23. Your hair looks greasy.   Rough morning?
24. Yes, you need to shower.
We’re sitting at my house with my two toddlers who may or may not eat their boogars-  no you don’t need to get ready just get here – and bring wine
25. You have food in your teeth.
– you got shit in your grill dude
26. You have a boogie.
1) we don’t say boogie 2) I would curse “You’ve got shit hanging out of your nose dude”
27. Your boyfriend cheated on you. –
Your boyfriend cheated on you…let me help you get revenge.  No she’s not prettier than you, she’s a troll.  A stupid troll.  Want me to google her address?
28. You’re beautiful.
I’m not going out with you…you make me look like a homeless hooker.  I’ve gotta go put my face on now…Jesus you suck!
29. Your bra is showing.
I can see your bra…you’re ginormous boobs are distracting me
30. Sorry, but I’d prefer if you didn’t borrow that.
HAHA!  Yeah you should totally borrow my pants. Capri’s are totally in style!
31. You got way too drunk last night.
Did I yell at a cop? I think I wore your bra on my head…This is why I don't drink yeager.  I’ve got to go vomit…
32. You’re flagged.
I don’t even know what this meansHe’s gay
34. You’re being too aggressive on social media.
Seriously if you post one more fucking dog or horse picture or stupid uplifting quote I’m going to come over there and stab you in the eye
35. You really hurt my feelings when you said
  HAHA!!!  No Jess that wasn’t directed at you.  No I’m not mad… I’m never mad…come on don’t be a vagina
36. Someday, you will find the man of your dreams.
We have totally had this conversation and I might have gotten mushy so I’m skipping it…
37. Until then, we can be dating.
Hey I’m bringing someone to your party…no I don’t know his name…met him at the bar.  But he’s buying the booze and drives a benz
38. Can you sleep in my bed with me?
You can totally crash here. Kait;s not home you can have her bed if you want a TV or the couch   -that couch is fucking amazing
39. I wouldn’t instagram that if I were you.
If you don’t post that shit I’m gonna…IT’S FUNNY!  QUIT BEING A VAGINA!
40. You’re taking forever.
I’m the one with kids I’m always 1 hour late…
41. You’re wearing WAY too much perfume.
You smell like a French whore…wtf are you wearing?
42. He’s here. We have to leave.
43. You’re being dramatic.
44. Can I use your deodorant?
45. You need to respect yourself.
“You need to respect yourself…”<snicker> Gulps wine out of box “Don’t act like that chick over there” <snicker>
46. He has a new girlfriend.
Psh…that bitch looks like SKELETOR!!!!!
47. I’m so grateful to have you. I fucking love you!  I’m so glad we can hang out and hate shit together!
33. He’s just not that into you.
me being classy as usual
48. Thanks for being there. Thanks for not picking up your fucking phone and making me listen to your douchey ring tone asshole.  Call me back. By the way...IT"S NOT FUCKING SUMMER ANYMORE!!!
49. I farted.
50. I love you. I love your big giant face