Friday, March 27, 2015

The Boy Has a "Problem" and His Sister is missing her Silver Spoon

I had a good thing going.
 For about 8-1/2 years I was pretty sure I had this parenting thing down.

Big red was an AWESOME baby.  She slept through the night at 4 weeks.  When she got older she slept on a solid 12 hour schedule (8am-8pm).  By the time she was a two all we had to do was tell her it was 8 o'clock and she scampered off to bed.  Not to be seen again until 8, sometimes 9 the next morning.  All blue eyes and baby cuteness.  By the time she was 4 she would ask us to go to bed (or fall asleep where she was sitting) at eight sharp.  She's 12 now and come 9-10PM she informs us shes exhausted and must go to bed NOW.  Big Red was a fluke!

I'm 3 years into raising my two demon-possessed, sadistic dictators precious quasi-twins and feel like I was totally scammed.  I haven' raised them any different (well, except for the nights these guys out number and exhaust me.  Then I hide in the shitter and eat their Halloween candy - I never hid from Red.  It was one on one back then....and I can still silence her with a look)

These guys are unrelenting.  I think the boy has a secret crack problem.  (That's the only explanation I can come up with for his lack of sleep and constant movement.)  It's starts with the sight of his pajamas, or socks, or Tiny Terrorists diaper, or letting the dogs out to pee....any slight movement at evening time alerts him to the possibility of bed time. (This can happen at 8 right before bed or at 6 when I'm changing Tiny's 16th crappy diaper of the evening - He's paranoid - crackheads are paranoid)  He immediately goes limp falls to the ground and wails about how he doesn't want to go to bed and he's not tired.  (Crack heads are never tired...)  I'm not sure why after 8 months of this exact same routine he hasn't caught on.  Mommie's tired too...kinda tired of dealing with shit like this and you WILL go to bed no matter what kind of show you put on.  Sometimes he walks, sometimes I carry him lovingly with his head on my shoulder and sometimes I hold him around the waist and drag him screaming and kicking, but he ALWAYS goes to bed.  Next comes the 1-2 hours of "requests".  Water, pee, just a hug, just a kiss, just want to tell you a story.  I'm not sure which is worse, but but I'm looking into children's ambien or a toddler rehab....

Par for the course Tiny terrorist won't be outdone and has her own production.  I'll have to take some of the blame for her because she's the baby and I pretty much cave to her demands.  But she's so stinking cute! (She also goes to bed willingly and can't open her door by herself yet).  She doesn't have any nefarious habits to speak of, but she's clearly been born in the wrong family.  I don't know who that family was, but she most certainly was designed to have a full time butler, maid, chef and court jester.  Before going to bed she demands her binky, and she demands to be picked up to retrieve it herself off of her dresser.  No, getting it for her will not do.  Next she needs to be tucked in and read her story.  Not any story ONLY "I Know My Daddy Loves Me" and ONLY daddy is allowed to read it.  Next she will require kisses from each of us, then she will put her little hand up and tell us "You leave now".  Once we are gone, her door securely shut and she has heard our footsteps down the stairs then (and only then) will she shriek out her demands for a sip of milk.  We have exactly 21 seconds before her world implodes and she thinks her faithful servants we have gone and left her to die of dehydration alone in her room.  She will take 5 sips and tell s to take it away.  Waiting until the door is shut to remember that she needs to be re-kissed.  She gives us her "I love you's"  and dismisses us again with the hand and "You go away now"

Sometimes I can take all this in stride and enjoy the absurdity of it.  I am able to acknowledge how cute my crazy demanding terrorists are and not lose my proverbial shit.  But tonight all I really want is 30 minutes of peace and quiet to pee alone and curse big red for the big fat lie she perpetuated.

God, she was an easy baby. Not a bad plan by the man up there I guess. Had Big Red acted like these two there wouldn't be a blog to read.  They give me good stories, but Big Read gave me amazing sleep.  She also made me think I knew what the hell I was doing...that was shitty of her.


In the moments that I have to hide in the bathroom I remember that one day in the future they will be teenagers who want to sleep all day and not be bothered.

Well....paybacks a bitch kiddos.  Get ready for bedtime stories and me waking you up at 2 am staring at you while you sleep poking you in the arm.  When you're fully awake and sufficiently creeped out....mommy's gonna need some milk.