Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Strep, Ear Aches and Bad Decisions

I've learned a few things this week:
  1. My body is an dick(specifically my ears and tonsils)
  2. Those green nose suckers work just fine for ear aspiration 
  3. When mixed with onion juice, coconut oil  forms a sludge (that smells like coconuts and assholes)
So anyone that knows me knows I'm nowhere near hippie status.  Not even a little crunchy.. but I totally put onion juice in my ear this week. 

On purpose 
and I was sober 
and it created a shit storm of chain reactions.

It all started out with a new doctor visit.
I called my primary care doctor a while back because I had a sinus infection and was told he didn't haven an open appointment for another 3 days.  Super fucking helpful. I explained this to the totally unconcerned appointment setter Nazi lady and her response was to go to urgent care.

Awesome, I sat in urgent care for 3 hours, paid double my copay and thought about how I could blow up the clinic.  But I'm lazy so I decided to find a new doctor instead.

Fast forward 6 weeks and I finally decide to get on that new doctor thing.  Found a great little doctor in Greeley and made my initial appointment.  (apparently now days if you want to be a patient at a doctors office you can't just go when you get sick you have to make an $30 appointment to say hi and introduce yourself)  Fine, whatever.
I go to my initial appointment say hi and leave.  The NEXT DAMN DAY I wake up with a sore throat.  Not a cold, just a really sore throat.  No fever, no cough, no runny nose, but I had a sneaking sensation I was coming down with strep. 

(Cause my body's a dick and a cold just isn't good enough and that's the kind of shit it does to me.)

I make an appointment with Mr. New Doctor...again.  Go see him ($30) and give him the run down and my suspicion.  He looks and pokes and prods, tells me it's just a cold to drink a lot of fluids and eat some honey. (He told me in a nice way to quit being a bitch)  I'm sure he wrote hypochondriac / over-exaggerator in my chart also. 

By the next morning I couldn't swallow, had a fever and white strep-y junk on my tonsils.
I carry my ass back to the doctor for another $30 co-pay. (we're at $90 in less than a week and I don't even have drugs at this point)
Mr. New Doctor confirms my initial self diagnosis and gives me a shot. 

That was Friday.  By Saturday night I feel great.  All is right with the world... ear begins to throb.  A fucking ear ache!  Really?
I decide I'm NOT going back to the doctor.

1) The doctor is going to think I have a thing for him and I'm making shit up as much as I've been in his office.
2)I'm not spending One-hundred-and-twenty-fucking-dollars in one week at the doctors office!

So I hit up google.
Come to find out there's all kinds of shit you can jam in your ears holes that help with an earache! 
I found that onion juice seemed to pop up the most.  I grabbed my onion and got ready to juice that sonofabitch and just couldn't do it.

 I took to Facebook (because that's the next logical step) and asked my 500 best friends if they ever put onion juice in in their ears.  I got all kinds of  concoctions: garlic and oil, just oil, heat, basil, alcohol, hydrogen peroxide.

Instead of trying each one at a different time and waiting even longer in agony I decided to combine a few.  Onion and Oil.

Search the house; no mineral oil...of course.  I had the choice of  vegetable oil or coconut oil. 
(Side note: I have this insane friend who swears by all things coconut oil - she's a fucking lunatic, but she's not dead from it so I went with the coconut oil.)
Squeezed my onion juice into a container, mixed it with a little coconut oil and crammed that right into my ear hole. 

Now this came as a shock to me but that shit WORKED!!!  It actually quit throbbing.

After about 10 minutes I drained it out and noticed that even thought it didn't hurt it felt like my ear was under water.  I could hear out of it but it felt "clogged".  I waited a while, tried to drain it, no change.

Back to Google....cause it's worked so well up until this point.
Let me tell you, people do some weird shit to their ears..... 

Anyway I found out that you can "irrigate" your ear with a bulb syringe. (The green  ones you suck boogers out of your kids with work just fine)

I irrigated the shit out of my ear.  I got some tiny slug looking amoeba out of my ear hole that smelt like an onion mixed with coconut farts and began to question my decision making skills and life choices. 
After recovering from my revulsion  I realized it actually felt a little better...not completely but better.

I figured the rest just needed to drain and I'd have to give it some time.  I make my way back to the kitchen to throw away the ear juice that ruined my night.  Instead of  finding the ear juice that I made earlier I find a wad of onion-y smelling sticky goop in it's place.   Apparently onion juice and coconut oil form some type of magical bond when mixed.
Now I know why I can't freaking hear - I've got onion/coconut ass smelling sludge lodged in my ear canal.

A normal person would have hung their head in shame and brought the stinky ear to the doctor and begged for help. 

Not me....I've got Google.  And  Hydrogen Peroxide
Something, somewhere took pity one me because that finally cleared the remaining shit out of my ear.

Good thing because my next plan of attack was going to be Derek and a straw....and I'm not even joking.

I guess I know where my kids get it from.....