Wednesday, April 8, 2015

You're Not Gonna Hurt My Feelers

This is another one of those "I read this blog and it's not at all what I'd say" blogs.

I read a blog over on Scary Mommy (one of my favorite websites to kill time ever ) about the 10 things never to say to a working mom.  The blog was sarcastic and funny and in some ways true, but still not what I'd respond with.

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that there isn't much that you can't say to me.  I'm just not that type of person.  It's pretty much a free for all and I don't get easily offended.  You should however, be prepared for what I might respond with.  I'm not mean or aggressive (most of the time)  but any number of things can come tumbling out of my mouth.
See, I'm not good at glossing up my replies or making things sound nice.  I don't have that filter...the unadulterated truth just comes gushing out.  (How I've ever progressed beyond a first interview to an actual job I'm still not sure)

Bottom line I think people are just too sensitive these regards to EVERYTHING!  There's this trend to make everything seem perfect and fun and easy and never hurt anyone feelings or say anything negative and it's TOTAL bullshit.  Life isn't always pretty, parenting isn't always fun or rewarding.  If you can't be honest and bitch about the bad how can you even know when it's good in comparison. 

Anyway - here's the article with the original responses scratched out and mine added in...
(Read the original Article Here)

10 Things People Say That Drive Working Moms Crazy

1. You’re so lucky to get a break. Seriously? I don’t know where you’re coming from, but in my universe shimmying into pantyhose at 6:30 a.m. to go do office chores (or in the case of other mamas, teach other people’s kids, perform surgery, code, operate heavy machinery and so on) is not a break. And do you honestly mean a break from my kids? I don’t want or need a daily break from the two people I can’t stop thinking about during the eight hours I spend chained to my desk.
Well I don't know if it's actually a break, but yeah it's easier than trying to wrangle my two terrorists for a full 8 hours.  Maybe it's cause I work in the construction industry, but I get to wear jeans, work boots and say fuck as much as I want ALL DAY LONG!  Better than any of that I can tell people to wait or I'll get back to them and there's NOT A DAMN THING THEY CAN DO....other than wait.  Most of them don't cry like my own kids, but some do.  I get to call those people names that I can't call my kids (out loud).

2. You’re missing out on so much. Trust me, I know, but thanks for the friendly reminder. Even though my childcare provider is sweet enough to keep her mouth shut, there’s a good chance that my kids’ first steps and first words actually happened on her watch instead of mine. But last time I checked, we’re all missing out on something by virtue of there being only 24 hours in a day. And for all you know, your little one said her first words for grandma or the sitter.
Yes, I miss some of the good shit, but let's be honest... I'm on number 3 now and unless the baby terrorist learns how to do back flips or can recite The Odyssey from memory I've probably seen it before.  It's not that I'm not proud of her, but did I tell you that when I'm at work I don't have to share my candy? 

They're adorable but not they're not necessarily pioneers in the field of growing into people- the older sister did it all first

3. You look exhausted! You don’t say… or rather, you shouldn’t say because hearing about how haggard I look is not going to erase the wrinkles from my tired old face. Am I supposed to thank you for your concern? Because unless you’re going to follow up that statement with a gift certificate from Canyon Ranch, please reconsider letting it come out of your mouth.
Yes, I am exhausted.  Thanks for noticing, because these little bastards don't seem to notice; EVER.  Maybe you can tell them and make them understand I just want 5 minutes to pee alone and shift gears to from project manager to mommy mode.  Because if I don't I'm going to speak to them like they're a 30 year old man on one of my job sites and no one wants that.  They already curse enough, no need to add to their skills.  

Seriously on this one, I have no problem with people telling me I look exhausted.  I usually am.  It's a mad rush from 6AM to 8PM to get babies ready get them to day care, do my own job with deadlines and come back home and make dinner and do the usual evening stuff.  I know I'm no different than any other working mom but, when someone tells me I look tired It opens the gate for me to tell them everything I do and for a few minutes I feel like fucking superwoman.  So bring it...just be ready for me to tell you all of the shit I do that you probably do too....but tell me how awesome I am anyway ok?

10 Things People Say That Drive Working Moms Crazy
10 Things People Say That Drive Working Moms Crazy
10 Things People Say That Drive Working Moms Crazy

4. Do you really have to work? First off, none of your damn business. Maybe I do, in which case the sacrifices I make would probably be that much easier to bear without judgmental people putting in their two cents. Or maybe I am super passionate about my career and love that I am able to show my kids that women can do anything they set their minds to do. Either way, what you’re really asking is whether I can afford to stay home or if I secretly want to get away from my children, and both questions are just plain rude on so many levels.
No, but I like shit.  My kids like shit.  It keeps them quiet and I don't end up on the news.  If I didn't work, not only would I have to spend all day with them (without all of that fun shit that my job allows us to afford) but  we'd be stuck home all weekend not doing things with no fun shit.  I don't like redundancy.

I don't have to work, but I like to.  Not just for the material things, but because I actually enjoy my job.  (Remember...jeans, boot, sharing of candy) I really do.  I've worked hard in my field to get where I am.  There aren't a lot of women so it feels like a constant achievement as well.  I'm also realistic enough to know that I am a much better working mom than I am a stay at home mom.  That used to be hard for me to say and not feel guilty about...until I took 6 weeks off for maternity leave for the tiny terrorist.  By the end of the leave it wasn't fun for any of us.  I was stressed over money, the kids were driving me insane and I felt like I had given up part of my identity.  They didn't enjoy me and I didn't enjoy them.  With me working and the kids in daycare they're actually happy to see me every afternoon.  I wouldn't trade that daily reminder and those hugs and kisses for all off the time off in the world.  

If that doesn't seal the deal come on over and I'll show some of the shit we have.... ;)

5. I read that kids in childcare are more aggressive. Or score lower on tests. Are less attached. Grow up to be drug dealers. Whatever. I know the studies. There is no conclusive replicable evidence that kids who go to daycare are doomed, so can it. Why would you even think I need you to tell me how I’m screwing up my kid? Or if that’s how we’re going to play, I guess you’re OK with me making a list of all the ways you’re screwing up yours?
 I also heard that kids with parents who think  their kids are better than other kids grow up to be dicks.  

I also have this notion that it's not daycare or one particular choice you make in you child's life that defines them it's who you are, who you raise your children to be, what you allow as acceptable behavior.  

It's how they see you act as a member of your own family and as a member of society.
 (At this rate they should have an amazing marriage, cook like a champ, and know every curse word in the dictionary and how to use it with flair.)

But if you tell them they're gonna be shitty people when they grow up because of my choices one of us is gonna kick your'll probably be the little one...
She looks sweet but she will cut you

6. Don’t you miss them? Of course I fucking miss them! Unless you’re prepared to tell me that you’re not sure if you’d miss your kids, it sounds an awful lot like you’re implying that I don’t.

Honestly, not as much as you'd think.  I know that sounds horrible but I'm being honest not perfect right.  Go ahead...ask me how the hell can I say that.

Because it's the truth.  And yes one day I'll admit this to the terrorists.  They need to know that I love them, but not that everything in my life revolves around them.  The are the missing piece that completes our family but they are not the pinnacle of it.    And my terrorists are 2 and 3...that means shit and snot - OFTEN.  On stuff like couches, faces, dogs, walls...that is not fun.  I do not miss snot and poop and meltdowns and lost Popsicle in the couch.  

You know what I miss...Me. And for 8-10 hours a days I get to hang out with her again.  She doesn't have to run to to console a broken hearted little girl because the dog licked her toe, she doesn't have to stop for the 10th time to tell the boy to let go of his penis and hold his sandwich with both hands.  She doesn't worry every time those terrorists leave her sight that something is happening to them.  

And for 8 glorious hours she doesn't second guess every decision she's made or comment she's said or wonder if she's royally fucking up 3 of the only perfect things shes ever been given.  

For 8 hours she gets to be just Ashley.  I get to be just another working adult judged on my accomplishments alone (not the fact that my daughter tells everyone she has a penis), I get to eat candy by myself, I get to curse correctly and tell dirty jokes, I get to call my husband and really listen to him, sometimes I even  get to sneak off to lunch with him.
There used to be "Just Ashley"  all fun and booze...she's gone now but I still like to visit her every once in a while
I don't get to sneak off with hm as often as I'd like to

So yeah...It's not as bad as you'd think.  It's all what you make of it.

7. You must be so organized! Sometimes this statement is followed by “I could never do all you do,” but let me tell you that if you were in my shoes, you’d figure it out fast. I’m not going to beat around the bush – being a working mom is hard. And if you’re not organized, it’s not just hard, it’s hell. And so I work my ass off to be as organized as I can because if I didn’t, our lives would descend into chaos.
HAHAHA!!! Why yes, yes I am.  I'm the mother of organization.  Thank you for noticing.  
No, I have no clue where the boy's other shoe is and I think we're missing a cat...but I made a motherfucking dinner plan for the week...and i might even cook it all.  Go ahead and bow down to mother organization.

8. It must be so hard for you. Yup, it is. Being a working mom does not mean that I can magically afford a maid, a chef, and a live-in nanny. All the stuff at home that I was on the hook for during my SAHM years is still on my plate. I cook. I clean. I bring home the bacon and I fry it up in a pan. Here’s an idea – if your husband cooks and cleans and brings home the bacon on top of it all, why not thank him today? Because if you think it’s so hard for me, clearly it’s hard for him, too.

Some days yes.  Other days when I got online and booked that week long adult only vacation to the Dominican Republic.  That day pretty much rocked it. 
Some days shit goes according to plan and it's good, ho-hum even.  Some days Lannie shits on my carpet, Jaxon steps in it and wipes it on the dog.  Some days the kids are dicks and it's all I can do to just get dinner on the table and not beat one of them.  Some days everyone is in a good mood and we actually have fun.  Most days it's a mixture of wondering why we did this, how we can un-do it and oh-my-god-look-at-our-amazing-offspring he/she is a genius/the cutest/the funniest.
It's no different than any other family SAHM or not. 

9. I couldn’t let someone else raise my children. Excuse me, but I am raising my kids. Last I checked, earning money to put food on the table and pay for things like dance lessons IS raising my kids. Or are you telling me that your husband is letting someone else raise his children – that someone being you? After all, he goes to work every day just like I do. Does he know you think he’s less of a parent? they're going to grow up just as douche-y and condescending as you....
I can.  I'm a horrible teacher and have no patience.  I also have really bad handwriting.   I also have to pay off that Dominican trip and unless you know of any sweatshops hiring it looks like mamma's gotta get a paycheck.

10. Women should be at home with their kids. Um, no. Women should be wherever they damn well please. Full stop.
Look, I try my hardest every day to respect and support ALL moms. Working moms. SAHMs. WAHMs. Moms who seem like they have everything under control. Moms who obviously have nothing under control. I admire all the moms who love their kids and do their best because we all struggle – it’s just that sometimes our struggles are different. Is that a reason to disrespect one another? I say no, and if you agree the best thing you can do is think before you open your mouth.

You are absolutely correct.  They should also have a new wardrobe every year, a nice kid toting minivan, shoes and purses that match, pretty  underwear sets, and great manners...and diamonds ladies need diamonds.  

I'm gonna need all of those....and your credit card number to pay for it.  

I'm also gonna need your checking account info to pay the er physician and a bondsman after I attack you with the intentions of removing your manhood and super gluing it to your forehead.  Because that's a total dick head thing to say...

there - that's my version and I'm sticking to it...
Handbags and Snot Rags