Thursday, April 30, 2015

Terrorists Hate Cars...or Maybe Just Me

I think I need an in-home nanny....the whole getting the terrorists up, dressed, in the car and off to daycare is enough to drive a saint bat-shit crazy.  Well, that and getting them home.

Shit, anywhere considered a public place is a crap shoot.

I don't know what it is about getting ready and being in the car, but my toddlers turn into drunk sorority girls with white girl problems as soon as the door slams.

Here's a recap of this morning:

6:00AM - Wake up Lannie - she cries because she wants her peepee diaper ON!
Change diaper amid protests and flailing.  Remind her that she could just use the toilet like the rest of us and solve the whole problem.  Suggestion not taken seriously
6:10 - Dress unreasonable toddler amidst protests (she wants to wear a knitted sweater...not a logical t-shirt on a 70 degree day)
6:20 - Head to bathroom to brush tiny terrorists teeth.  Hear a thud from TT's room and immediate hysterics.  Run to room and find she has thrown herself on the floor at the atrocity of not being carried to the bathroom
6:22 - More hysterics - mom used the Frozen toothpaste not the Dora toothpaste....(I'm now looking online for  ambien toothpaste)
6:25 - CARRY tiny princess to bedroom to wake up brother
6:28 - Move the herd of toddlers downstairs for shoes and drinks that have already been pre-made.
6:30 Jaxon wants to wear his hard had to daycare and bring his bunny, a pillow and a full sized blanket.  When he hears the word no his knees buckle and he falls to the floor sobbing like one of those drunk college girls who caught her boyfriend cheating on her.
6:33 - Shoes and jackets are on and drinks are passed out
6:34 - We almost made it through the front door...Lannie realized that she has white milk in her cup and her brother has OJ. Milk is obviously poisonous and I'm trying to kill her with it - she flops again....go to fridge and get OJ for the princess (I'm annoyed but not stupid...I plan for some of this shit)
6:36 - Half carry half drag the terrorists to the car (And think about leaving them there and calling a taxi)

6:43 - We are all in the car and the bickering and whining begins.  They both want different drinks, they want nuggets when we pass by McDonald's (It's 6-fucking-thirty-in-the-morning is apparently not an acceptable answer and crying ensues) they want a lollypop from the beer store (yep...I drink because they cry).

They even argue while hunting for Easter Eggs
6:48 - My breaking point is when Jaxon tells me Lannie made an ugly face at him and she says he mad a noise at her. They both start screaming at each other so I tell Lannie to stick her fingers in her ears and tell Jax that his sister just looks ugly naturally -quit looking at her.  I silently wonder if these nice road worker men would watch my kids till my husband comes to retrieve them....and I plan my get away.

This afternoon won't be much different - they'll argue about what's on the TV (yes in the fucking car...they will argue about a TV show in a vehicle over a 10 minute drive)  They'll both make faces and cry about it, they'll sob when we blow past McDonalds.  Jaxon will tell me how much he hates dinner and only loves chicken nuggets.  I will still dream of leaving them with the city workers....

Instead we'll hit the liquor store.  Mommy gets a drink kids get lolly pops....we'll tackle the rest of the night with a combination of threats and bribes.
I need that bottle on the right....

I'm seriously thinking of getting a limo with one of those roll up dividers.  I think we'd all be much happier...

Seriously who has 2 toddlers at on time on purpose?  Why didn't anyone warn me about this?!?!?!