I usually share the funny stuff here and hope to make everyone laugh, the last two weeks haven't been all that funny. I think it's because I've been sick. Not sick enough to actually get my ass to the doctor or need sympathy but enough to make life miserable for all of us.
Anyway, I was reading a fellow mom's blog about how she felt overwhelmed and and some ways felt like she had failed (she is a stay at home mom). I didn't enjoy the fact that someone else was having a shitty time, but it was nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like life is imploding sometimes.
Generally, I don't write this crap because even though I don't always feel "Lucky" I know that I am. I have friends and family that have struggled to have children and would give anything to have the three healthy children that I have. Don't get me wrong..I know exactly how blessed I am, but some days I would still like a vacation from my "Blessings"
I figured I'd share my comment for anyone that's been there before.
Or for any of you that have teen daughters...go ahead and use it as birth control - or call me I'll let you borrow my kids. I'll give them sugar and hand them over without naps.
So, here it is:
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of work, but I feel exactly the same. I work full time as a project engineer and have 3 kiddos (That I never really planned on having - if we're being honest) My oldest is 12 (she was supposed to be my 1st and only) #2 is a three year old boy and #3 is a two year old diva baby. (Daddy is awesome and has endless patience- thank god because he picks up the slack that I leave laying around.)
Recently the whole routine of coming home from work, picking up 2 screaming toddlers, trying to cook dinner (with 2 screaming toddlers) and trying to get dishes and homework done has just been overwhelming.
I want to scream at the kids to leave me alone for 2 damn minutes and I want to scream at my husband and remind him that those 2 kids were his idea (therefore I should go on vacation and he should raise them until they're normal at which time I'll come back and take all of the credit for raising 3 well adjusted children). Some days all I want is to actually run away and take that vacation alone and not have to wipe anyone's nose or ass or plead with anyone to eat their vegetables.
I just want one night without a tantrum and the idea of reading bedtime stories makes my eye twitch.
By 10PM everyone is down for the night and replay all of the shitty things I said or the times I lost my patience or the moments I wished I wasn't a mother and this wasn't my life and I feel like a complete failure for not "treasuring these moments".
For a second I actually think about waking my babies just to hug them and tell them I love them. I make a mental promise to do it better the next day and not scream or shoo them away, but the next day is a shit show just like the day before and the day before. I feel like I'm drowning in tantrums, dinners, homework and shitty diapers.
This hasn't always been the case and I'm trudging through hoping it's just the toddler phase that's making this all so damn hard (I actually enjoyed having two babies, but the toddlers are terrible). I'm trying to learn to let go and enjoy the kids and not worry about the mess or the little things. I try daily to remember that they are still just babies and find the fun in interacting with them instead of being annoyed at the shit that doesn't go as planned.
I feel like I'm in over my head with work and a pre-teen and two babies. But work is my vacation - it's a place where people can wait and I don't have to be at everyone's beck and call. It's a place where all my shit is in order, I know what I'm doing and I'm in control.
Sometimes, I feel like total crap for working and missing "their formative years" and actually enjoying it, but I know I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I guess what I'm saying is thanks for letting me know it's shitty on both sides of the fence.
So there you have it.....
I have figured out the solution though - I need my mom.
If she lived here I could totally leave them with her for the night and have a mini vacation with my husband.
For all of you out there that know my mom let her know. Shoot her an email, stop by and offer to pack her stuff, offer to rent her house. Let her know how much better my quality of life would be if she's just move across the country and into my basement.