Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Just Call Me Sprinkles-McFlurry

Wednesdays usually kinda suck.  Tonight it sucked extra.

Wednesday is gymnastics night for Big Red and Boy Terrorist.
This means that for one hour we're free from 2 kids (Tiny terrorist makes up for the other's absence - don't worry).
Gymnastics starts at 5PM which means its a mad rush from work to pick up all of the kids and deliver them to the gym.  (Derek picks up Kait ad I pick up the terrorists)
This also means there is no time to make dinner and we are stuck with 2 unreasonable little assholes by 6:30.

That's a typical Wednesday.
 Tonight sucked extra.

On the drive home the tiny terrorists bitched and moaned because the in-flight movie was too quiet, because the sun wasn't out, because the headphones were too big, because the headphones were to small, because the air smelt like cow poop, because one was looking at the other and because one of them had ugly eyes.

IT'S A 15 MINUTE DRIVE!!!!

When I got home I realized I had forgotten to put the roast in the crock pot this morning so we were shit out of luck for dinner. 

With little resolve and even less patience I let the kids pick what they wanted for dinner....and for once they agreed!
Ramen noodles.
(Don't judge me.  Besides, who am I to judge - I lock myself in the bathroom and eat old Halloween candy on the regular)

I stick the Ramen in the microwave and almost immediately they decide they want cereal.
I take a deep breath and decide I don't have it in me to fight this battle and start pouring the cereal.  On the plus side they're getting milk and grain.  (That's calcium and a vegetable in my book....)

As soon as the ramen is done I put it aside for Big Red (she likes that shit).
....And the terrorists start screaming for ramen now.  Clearly the cereal has turned horrible and inedible and 'm trying to poison them with it.

Begin full blown melt down mode.  Boy terrorist is flopping on the floor and tiny terrorist dumps out her ENTIRE bowl of cereal on the counter.  (Because what else do you do when you don't want your dinner)
It was like this....x2

It's at this point that I have visions of orphanages and running away to adult living communities in Arizona. Instead summon all of my strength to not go bat shit crazy and send everyone to put their nose on the wall. Screams of agony ensue for 3 minutes.

Everyone is released to finish their cereal dinner (Tiny gets a new bowl)
By this point I've called dibs on picking up Big Read from gymnastics (She doesn't get out til 8PM) Just so I can get the fuck away from the shit show happening in my kitchen.

Somewhere between me looking for my keys and sprinting for the door Daddy caved to the terrorists demands of tortillas.  He broke the cardinal tortilla rule though...HE TORE IT IN HALF!!! (Bad fucking idea - 1/2 tortillas really piss off terrorists.)

I left in the midst of another full blown toddler tortilla tantrum.
Crying, screaming, floor flopping, tortilla tossing.  I didn't even look back....

Thank God for my husband - he wasn't even angry that I left him without a second glance. 


I would have stabbed him with a fork if he tried to leave me like that.

I don't like toddlers. 

Who ever convinced me to have 2 babies 15 months apart should be kicked in the nuts....
I'm not naming names
 I know one day I'll probably miss this, but tonight I don't want to be mom.
I'm going to change my name and hide and I'm not coming out until they guess it correctly.

I'm pretty sure they'll never guess Sprinkles McFlurry...

 If you need me I'll be in my garage drinking a beer, chain smoking and reevaluating my life choices.
(and also thanking my lucky stars for the amazing man that wrangled our kids all alone tonight)

He really deserves a medal or a halo or something.