Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Road Trippin' w/The Terrorists

Well, we completed our first road trip last week. 

Like most things we do, we jumped right - didn't take it slow, but embarked on a 2-Day road-trip....(not out of gusto mind you; it's usually out of stupidity, accident or necessity)

In any case, our first road trip was one of necessity.

We drove to Louisiana.
It was a 2 day drive...19 hours and 47 minutes to be exact.
I was prepared for complete chaos, but was actually surprised - the terrorists did AMAZING!!  (Good for me but kinda puts a damper on the blog)

Since I knew I wouldn't have consistent internet I decided to keep running updates on Facebook and compile them for you all here after the trip.  I expected to have a minimum of  85 updates.  (Most of them consisting of who shit their pants  and who I was planning on leaving at the next gas station.)

In reality no one shit their pants, I didn't threaten to leave a terrorist at the gas station and we didn't even have any major melt downs.  (If something doesn't change I'll have to adopt a new terrorist or start writing about my dogs....they shit "places") We did have a few funny moments for me to share though.

Be warned: In true Ashley/Terrorist fashion they're laced with profanity and off-color topics.

Anyway, we left last Saturday morning at 4AM and headed out.  Our stopping point was 13 hours away in Terrell TX.  (Both terrorists had sympathy for us and slept until about 8:30.)

What follows are the highlights of our trip from CO to LA and back - enjoy:

 And we were off.....

He did fall back asleep....I don't know if I'm happy that he's growing up or totally bummed that I'm running out of "Sweaty Balls" and "Black Men" stories.  But he slept and and we drove in blissful silence....until the questions

and promptly fell asleep for another 3 hours.  We enjoyed the sights in blissful silence once more:

While the kids are asleep I comment on random shit, but seriously who names a town Gobblers Knob and who can even refer to said town with a straight face???

Back to the terrorists....
The girl terrorist takes center stage in this one.  We had 6 hours of sleeping terrorists which was nice, but they woke up and were fairly entertaining for a while. 

I bought them each a sticker book which had pages of blank faces and pages of sticker features.  They missed the point.  Not one face made in the book.  But we laughed enough to need a potty break.

By hour 9 the stickers had worn off and mommy was getting a little testy:

Almost to the stopping point and the kids are getting sleepy (mommy smoked at the last rest stop so she's smiling again) and still no crapping of the pants!!!

Day 2 was fairly uneventful that I didn't have any posts.
Now the hotel room in-between those two is another story, but I'll share that in another blog.

We spent a week in Pierre Part and were back on the road again Friday around 7AM.  It wasn't nearly as entertaining but we did have a few laughs...also a few more pooper breaks.  The kids were pretty good considering we were "just going home" (according to the boy terrorist)

I didn't puke and we carried on....they even let me sleep a little!

So maybe I called it a shitter first, but look closely and read the sign.  That terrorist is a smart feller...
(it says "Grab - N - Go Food Mart #2) 
Don't judge me....we're traveling with toddlers.  Sometimes all ya got is poop humor.

Well the kids must have fallen asleep here because I had time to get sappy and homesick.  (Technically this one doesn't have anything to do with the terrorists, but now you all know it's not just F-bombs and ball jokes...)

So the calm didn't last long.  Packed away the feels and started scouting for shitters.

It was real.  She was allowed to come home with us, but you can see that shes extremely pleased with her timing.

Maybe I do need a new threat, but cut me some slack.  We were on hour 2,056 of this road-trip and it was kinda wasn't in public and we ended on a high note - 50% decrease in noise level.
It must have been extremely boring after this...the posts don't pick up until the next day.  The final stretch home.

 The stickers really never get old...
I also think I found next years Halloween costume.

 They actually didn't burch but bitched.  (My phone hates me and spells shit incorrectly to make me look like a moron.)  Back to the trip...
Nothing overly entertaining, but the Pilot did drive us halfway across the country and back he deserves at least one feature picture.

Maybe it was the stale air in the cab of the truck or the 500 hours on the road but I laughed about this exchange all the way back to Colorado.
(As a side note:  YES Janis died of an overdose and NO it was not Mamma Cass...she died of heart problems but the ham sammich rumor is attributed to her.  Dear god, if anyone comments about Mamma Cass again I might have my own heart problems....)

And that's it...the very anti-climatic ending to a very long drive.