Yep I'm All outa F*%$'s Too.....

I read the best article EVER today!  It's called "20 Signs I'm Too Tired To Mom"  it's over on ScaryMommy and you can read it for yourself, but here are a few highlights:

"But sometimes? Sometimes I am simply a very tired person—a person too damn tired to juggle it all. I want to tell everyone, including my kids and the PTA, to juggle my balls.."  

and

"My daughter is sleeping in her clothes, AGAIN...."

I think this woman lives in my house....or maybe we're all this tired and over it, but we hide it well on Facebook.  I think I'm gonna start posting real pictures from my life.  Like this little gem:

This is Landry today at 3:00PM.  She has Elsa slippers on her feet....at daycare....on purpose.

Yes, she showed up in them and yes I knew.  I just didn't have it in me to fight socks and shoes on her little dictator feet this morning. 

As a matter of fact she not only showed up to daycare in slippers she had on the matching nightgown as well. (I plopped her inside and threw a bag of real clothes to Roz.  "the saint that can clothe the terrorist" and got the fuck outta there ASAP!)  I was all out of fucks y'all. 

And it's only Monday....


 

His Penis Was Angry.....

I can add "Angry Pee'er" to the list of shit I never expected to deal with...

I picked up the boy terrorist at daycare yesterday only to find out that he's an angry pee'er (oh he can also use the word "hell" in context also)

Apparently, Boy Terrorist had TWO accidents at school yesterday...
After each accident they changed him into his "back-up clothes".
 I only sent 2 outfits (and I thought that was overkill).  After accident #2 their only option was to put BT into a pull up and some borrowed daycare pants.

This did not go over well with the boy.  After they got his wet clothes off and came at him with a pull-up.  He yelled "What the hell are you doing" and proceed to pee on his babysitter. 
Not on the floor mind you.  Directly on the poor woman.

I didn't want to believe my son just peed all over a person so I decided to ask him what the deal was.  Here is our conversation:

Me: Jax, why did you have so many accidents?
Jax: I had to pee a lot
Me: What didn't you go to the bathroom
Jax: I was doing things  (ah well OK then...I remember that the next time I'm busy at work)
Me: So why did you pee on Mrs. Babysitter
Jax:  I didn't
Me:  Yes you did.  DO NOT lie to me - she told me you peed on her.
Jax: No, I didn't!  My penis did it!
Me: Jaxon, you have control of your penis and your pee.  You cannot blame things on your penis - it doesn't just do things on it's own.  That's not how it works.

Jax:  No my penis didn't want a diaper and it got mad and peed, I tried to tell it not to.  My penis doesn't listen.  You don't have a penis!  You don't know!  (Touché son, Touché)

Me: Well make damn sure your penis knows it's unacceptable to pee on people from her on out.  Next time you pee on anything other than the potty you and your penis are both punished!
Jax: You tell it
Me: I am not talking to your penis.  This conversation is over

I think I'm in for a whole hell of a lot of trouble if we're already starting with this..... 

16 Ways to Ruin your Toddlers Morning

My husband decided to read my blog (finally) hence the update:  
Soooooo....so now I have to give credit where it rightfully belongs.  
He handles the Boy terrorist in the morning and does most of the AM routine with him.  I get up with the Tiny terrorist and do most of the shit that she requires.  So in actuality list items #1-7 happened to him (I just eavesdropped on those) and I only directly received #'s 7-16.
 
I write this shit on my lunch break and I didn't have time for all the intricacies, but he noticed so to my darling husband...here you go, here's your credit.  (And I love you)

This was NOT taken at 6AM

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but the terrorists are in their first "real" daycare ever.  Up until this point they've either gone to a family friend for daycare or had an in home nanny.

Holy shit it's a lot more work this way!  You've Derek's got to get them him up, dress them him and get food in them all before 6AM.

(That's like trying to teach drunk college students advanced chemistry.  Or at least what I would imagine it's equivalent to.) 

 I know, I know.. you really want to hear my Derek's sob story about how hard it is to not have a nanny and have to dress my kids.  (I'll say it for you....Oh fuck off Ashley!)

You're in luck.....that's not the point of this one.
In fact I really like the new daycare.  I enjoy my kids NOT trashing my house all day or eating all of the food.   

Back to the point.  We have a routine, but some days the natives go fucking insane and I'm reminded why some species eat their young.  This morning was one of those days for the boy terrorist.  I we managed to find no less than 16 ways to ruin his morning all before 6 AM (prob more but these are the ones I remember).

And here they are:

1. Make BT take off his onesie jammies
2. Make BT go potty before putting on his pants
3. Make him hold his penis while he pees
4. Call it a pee pee not a penis
5. Make him brush his teeth with toothpaste
6. Not let BT wear his jammies to daycare (Cameron does....)
7. Give BT Milk to drink instead of orange juice
8. Dump out OJ and replace with milk 
9. Give him white milk not chocolate milk
10. Put too much chocolate in the chocolate milk
11. Do not allow BT to bring pillow with him (Cameron does....)
12. Utter the phrase "I don't know Cameron and really I don't care what he does.You are not taking your pillow to school"
13. Put Shrek on instead of Scooby Do in the car (1st world problems right)
14. Have the radio set to a decibel level not pleasing to the little terrorists ears
15. Have the screen set to a 89° angle not a perfect 90° angle for optimal viewing
16. ....And I didn't 2nd squeeze him like I really meant it. 

That's really what he told me when I hugged him for the 2nd time "You didn't squeeze me like you meant it"  Little did he know that had I squeezed him like I meant it his poor little terrorist head would have popped right off.  (I did drop him off so this one is all mine)

See the type of shit I have to deal with from this one.... <3

(Not really, that was the highlight of my day...he made me laugh and reminded me that he needs and loves me....awe)