And We'll Call Him Benjamin...Benjamin Button

Sorry for the lack of posts lately.  I don't know if it's the fact that it's summer and we're stupid busy or if we've just quit being shocked by our kids antics.

Who am I kidding...the kids never fail to shock us -  they're fucking insane.  But the fact that it's summer brings me to the latest of the boys antics.

HAIRCUT TIME!
I should explain...my son normally gets haircuts at the salon.  He needs them about every 20 minutes or so.  Seriously, the kid has more hair than I do.

Now that it's summer haircuts switch to homemade.  It's finally warm enough to buzz the boys head, which translates to saving $30 every 2 weeks so I'm all in.

This whole process is also made easier because Daddy shaves his head too and we all know whatever Daddy does is cool.   The difference here is that Daddy shaves his head because the hairs on top aren't keeping up with the hairs on the side.

Until a few weeks ago we just assumed that this minor detail had gone unnoticed by the boy...

Back to the haircut:
So, D takes the boy terrorist upstairs to shave his head.  No more than 45 seconds later my son comes barreling down the stairs with one bald strip shaved into the middle of his noggin crying.  It appears as though he's changed his mind.  NOT a good stopping point.

We get him back upstairs and talk him back into shaving the rest of his head (as long as mommy does it).  I proceed to shave off the remaining hair on the top of his head.  As soon as I get to the side section right above his ear he starts crying again.

Confused,  I ask him what's wrong this now.  Following is the remainder of our conversation:
Me: What's wrong bud?
Jax: I want my hair like daddy's (still sobbing and ducking away from the clippers)
Me: That's what we're doing,  I'm shaving your head like daddy's
Jax: NO YOUR NOT!!!  You're shaving my all head! (translates to you're shaving my whole head)  I  want mine JUST like daddy's!!!

At this point I look at Derek - who hasn't shaved his head in a few weeks.  The realization hits me and I started laughing so hard I had to sit down.  D still looks a little lost at the whole scene.
Through my laughter and tears I manage to explain to D that what Jaxon wants is the same haircut (or lack of) that he has at that exact moment.

My 3-year old child has just asked me to shave a cul-de-sac onto his head.  And he's fucking serious!!!
I stop and put him in front of the mirror...and show him what he looks like:

Me:  This is what you want?  (Because even though he stated he wanted "Daddy's Hair" I assume when he sees it he'll change his mind.  Hell, even Daddy doesn't want Daddy's haircut.)
Jax: Yep, like Daddy's.  Long on the sides.

We didn't actually let him keep that fiasco on his head...instead daddy shaved his "all head" to match Jaxon.

Had I known that my son wanted to look like Benjamin buttons I would have been more careful about shaving the top into a perfect cul-de-sac so he could have at least sported the do for a few days.

The bonus to all of this....We found the kids Halloween costume!!!

Samuel L Jackson In My Kitchen

***Here's the warning this contains MF bombs...read at your own risk***

So anyway, we had a visitor last night...apparently Samuel L. Jackson was in my kitchen talking about chocolate. 

Let me set the scene:
It was about 8:30. The kids were playing in the playroom and D and I were on the couch watching TV.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw Boy Terrorist head into he kitchen.  I was fully expecting him to ask for chocolate (he ALWAYS asks for chocolate).  What I was not prepared for was the way he channeled Samuel L Jackson when asking for said chocolate.

It went like this:
Boy Terrorist: Hey Guys..did you know your not supposed to say motherfucking chocolate?  It's not good to say that.
Me: Shocked and Speechless and stifling giggles (because I'm a stellar mother remember)
D: Jaxon! Come here right now!!
Jaxon walks over totally innocent looking confused
D: You are not supposed to say that word! EVER!  Do you understand me?! I don't want to ever   hear you say that again!
Boy Terrorist: OK, I was just telling you that it was bad of you. Can I have chocolate now?

He Looks so innocent...

And before anyone points at me...this isn't my doing!  Had he referred to it as Fu%$*# chocolate I would have taken the blame.  I'm well known to drop F bombs, but I don't ever drop the MF bombs.  No one does in real life.

Well except my Uncle Jimmy but he's like 80 and is old enough to say what he pleases...

Lannie Poop-ted

I heard the commotion downstairs but I was in the bath.
I waited until it was quiet before getting out. (Because I am an asshole)

Separated by a floor and soaking in my nice warm bath I only heard bits and pieces of of what was going on.

Derek: "Lannie!  COME HERE!!!"
Lannie:  "Arrrrlge" "Bleeergle"  (I don't understand her on a good day so I have no idea what she said from all the way down there)
Derek: "No!  Do NOT run from me!  Come here!  Ew!  Gross!  COME HERE!!!" "Damnit"!
I suppressed a giggle and got out of the tub.

Since we're working on potty training with the Tiny Terrorist I naturally assumed she peed her pants, or peed on the couch, or on the floor, or on my carpet....typical places that Tiny Terrorist usually pees.

Jaxon met me in the bathroom to debrief me on the situation.  (Have I mentioned that I have NO privacy whatsoever now that the rerrorists have taken over)

Jaxon:  "Mom!  Guess what!!
Me: What Jax
Jax:  Lannie poop-ted!  On the floor!  Then she mushed her feet in it!  Daddy touched it!

What really happened was this:  Lannie peed in her panties and told daddy "Daddy pee" when Daddy got to Lannie he saw the soaked panties and proceeded to remove them.  What he didn't know was that there was a turd lurking in there too.  When he removed the panties the turd fell on the floor.  About this time Lannie tried to run away from daddy and stepped on the turd in the process...

 Kind of wish I would have gotten out of the bath to see this unfold, but somehow I think I would have ended up picking up the poop if I had.
 And I've cleaned up every other terrorist turd before this one.....

(She's still got nothing on her brother who pooped in his sisters room.  He hid it under a lid and left it there.... thinking no one would know.)

The "Poop-stepper"