No more babies…but I do have an update

 ​Well hey y'all…it’s been a hot minute. 

Life hasn’t been as crazy as it used to be when I had 2 toddlers shitting, crying and demolishing my house, but it’s been sweet, and crazy and amazing in all the ways I wasn’t expecting. 

Currently we have a house full of young adults and teenagers.  Big red is 23 (and not red at all) and the terrorists are 13 and 14 now. 

 

I may be in the minority but I’ll take these lunatics over toddlers ANY day!  No one has shit their pants in at least 10 years. Everyone can pack AND carry their own suitcases on vacation and most of the time no one even cries on a roadtrip! 

I still say fuck far too often and Derek is still a saint and puts up with all of my nonsense. 

So much has changed and so much is still the same. 

I didn’t intend on taking a break from the blog, but as the years crept by the kids grew up and the ridiculousness of life with toddlers faded into memories.  

Our lives are still filled with laughter and absurdity, but it’s tempered with a blur of sports schedules and sleepovers (and some ansshole always screaming 6-7). Not a whole hell of a lot to put in a blog really. 

Here and there I’ve thought about updating this thing and but every time I open It up I realize sports schedules and pick up lines just aren’t that funny or entertaining.  So it sits….

I guess the universe thought I needed some excitement and something new to blog about so I went ahead and got myself a little case of cancer.  

My sister was listening to one of my newest updates and said I should dust off the blog, so I guess that’s what I’m gonna do.  

We’ll see if it lasts…I don’t want cancer to be my new personality, but maybe it’ll be good to keep a record of the newest shit show. 

True to my crazy family this new development has actually given us some great laughs and maybe some stories worth sharing. 

Buckle up y'all!  I’m getting my tits chopped off and y'all are coming along for the ride! 

I’ll get into the whole story next blog but heres a little peek and the quick and dirty version: 

I found out a week or so before Christmas that I have breast cancer. Early stage invasive ductal carcinoma for any terminology nerds. I’ll preface this by saying that my type of cancer is easily treatable and I’m very lucky in the whole grand scheme of cancer (I mean It could be ass cancer or something way worse) 

Anyway, this brings me to the funny.  If I have to deal with this bullshit I’m also gonna get the perks. 

So, I told the kids before Christmas about the cancer and promptly started using the line “I can’t do that…I have Cancer” (works like a charm when I don’t want to do the dishes or take the trash out) 

Well, as I’m sitting down wrapping the 900th present at 9pm (which I should specify was some fucked up shaped bag of something that I don’t even remember ordering in the first place) I realized I have the best excuse ever to NOT to do this shit…CANCER!

I put away the wrapping paper and got a pen and wrote the following on this stupid shaped present.

 

“Dear Jax, Sorry I didn’t get around to wrapping this.  I have cancer. Love Mom” (don’t clutch your pearls…he laughed, we laughed…he still got the gift.  It’s fine!!)

And this is how we entered the new year….happy 2026 everyone!  

I may or may not keep this updated.  If it’s funny enough to share or makes for good reading I’ll try to stick with it, but if I don’t, I probably just lost interest…I’m more than likely not dead. 

 

More Than Medals

 
This kid has had a really rough few weeks.

There have been tears….so many tears.

(Like enough tears to have other parents ask about her after practice)

 

Landry started competing in gymnastics two years ago and she has spent most of her time on the 1^st, 2^nd, and 3^rd place podiums. She is a powerhouse. She is stubborn and determined but more than that; gymnastics just comes easy for her.

 

It still does…

...most of the time.

While I have loved watching her succeed so effortlessly, I have always worried about the time when it isn’t easy anymore. Does she have the strength to push through? Will she give up or work for what she wants?

 

More than medals, I want her to collect confidence, and strength and the ability to believe in herself even if she’s the only one who does. I want her to be just as tough mentally as she is physically. I want her to know the feeling of working hard for something and getting it. I want her to never doubt herself.

 

Effortless and easy don’t often equate to those things.

So, as bad as it sounds, I want her to struggle sometimes. Not enough to break her, but just enough to keep her always striving for more and KNOWING she can accomplish it.

 

Back to these last two weeks… 

She got the struggle I’ve been waiting for, and I second guessed my entire parenting style. Watching her really struggle was tough. Watching her walk out of class in tears and go to bed in tears was gut-wrenching. Knowing I couldn’t help was even harder.

 

As I was second guessing the sport, her ability, my role in pushing her, I realized she wasn’t second guessing anything.

 

She was frustrated and shed a lot of tears, but she kept showing up and kept working. Her coaches pushed her when she needed and made her stop when she needed a break. Sometimes she cried because she couldn’t land that damn back walkover and sometimes, she cried because she got kicked off the beam (she needed to be), but she NEVER gave up and never asked to quit.

 

She came home this week determined to land the back walkover without a spot, and she did it. She also collected some of those other things: confidence, belief in her ability, mental toughness. Those are the things I’m most thankful for…and grateful.

Grateful because she has some amazing humans in her corner. They believe in her more than she does sometimes. They know when to help and when to let her depend on herself.  They may not be changing the world, but they are changing this little girl’s world.

Landry will likely never compete in the Olympics and may not even compete at the collegiate level, but she will take the lessons learned in the gym with her throughout her life, they will help to shape her into the adult she will be one day.  

If I never say it directly... THANK YOU.  

Thank you for the lessons, the friendships, the family.

Thank you for helping my girl to believe in herself and reach her goals.  

 

And with that....

Competition is coming up this weekend and we’re rolling into it with ALL the confidence….

Tell Me My Ass Looks Good…Make It Weird

Anyone who knows me knows I’ve been on “a diet…or something” lately. 

You see what happened was…

I woke up on my birthday last month and looked like shit and felt like shit

If you know me you also know I quit smoking last year.  

Well, instead of getting active and healthy I apparently  shoveled bon bons in my face for a full year. I was the opposite of active and healthy. 

I’m also cheap and vain.  

Not a good combo when none of your pants fit and there are fat rolls hanging out everywhere mocking you. . 

So back to my birthday morning…I decided to do something. 

I contacted a trainer, got a meal plan, exercise plan and list of supplements. 

I’ve started meal prepping, I eat clean, I drink water, I work out and ITS WORKING! 

I haven’t had a beer or quarter pounder in almost a month! I don't even know who I am anymore 🤣 

Don’t get me wrong…they still smell and sound REALLY good, but no cellulite on my ass feels better. 

I’m no where near my final goal, but I’m 4 weeks in and I’m down 3” and over 10lbs!!! 

If you see me don’t be shy - tell me I look tiny, that my ass looks good…make it weird…. 

(Let me know if you want my trainers info…I’ll share her contact, but not my meal plan.)

The Longest Goodbye

When I sat down to write this post I fully intended it to be a funny little tribute to Big Red (who isn't very big nor is she red anymore).

This morning the school sent me a notification that she was absent in her first class, so I texted her to find out where she was.  She promptly texted me back telling me she was in said class with a picture of her looking confused...in class.  

This has happened before...it made me chuckle.  

(No I'm not a moron receiving pre-planned pictures...the absences are always updated and she is actually there...I also have GPS on her phone to confirm) 

 

 

 My intention here was to share with you the running theme of our relationship now...it's based mainly on text messages and revolves around her location and my payments. 

Where are you?

When will you be home?

Yes I can send you $20, $40, $50.

You weren't here and this thing happened and I knew you'd think it was funny so here is a picture...

I started reading through our string of texts and I chuckled at first.

Then the tears came.

 While reading our daily exchanges I realized that I was literally watching my baby grow up and letting her go message by message.

 It's the longest goodbye I've ever experienced.  It's excruciating, and humbling, exciting and terrifying all at the same time.   

There is this young woman in place of the quiet little blond girl I still expect to see. 

 

She is strong, and bold, and funny and fierce.

She is even more beautiful on the inside than she is on the outside. 

She has learned to not take life or herself too seriously.

She's everything I wished for her to be 18 years ago. 

She will succeed and she will be amazing.

 

 

 

She's also preparing to graduate and move out.  

And I'm preparing to say goodbye.

...in tiny increments, with individual text messages

 

 

 

Flying is terrifying.  

Especially when you're the one watching from the ground.

 

Kaitlynn, I am so incredibly lucky God chose me to be your Mama! I am proud to call you mine. Keep chasing your dreams sweet girl, you are unstoppable.

 

 

 

 

God’s Got Jokes

Sit back and let me tell you a story of God, the swimming pools and how Walmart is the devil...

Let me back up by a few weeks. 

I recently hijacked a coworkers printout at work.  It was unintentional.  As I was shuffling through my papers it caught my eye.  Before I returned It I asked if it was ok to take a copy.  It was a printout of a bible reading system called “professor G Horner’s Bible Reading system” It is a somewhat random system where you read 10 different chapters a day from all different parts of the Bible...so you’re always reading about different things and different lessons etc. 

Back to the fucking pool fiasco: 

So, I decided to buy a giant ass pool for the back yard.  (We have nowhere to put it, hubs didn’t want it and I have literally not a single fucking clue how to take care of a pool....so of course I bought it)

I bought this pool online from Walmart and set it for pick-up.  When It arrived I was notified by email to come and get it.  By this point the hubs had submitted to our pool ownership so he picked up the pool. 

The next day as I’m packing up to leave work I get another email from Walmart saying my pick up item is ready.  I don’t remember ordering anything else so I call derek and check with him.  Nope, he hasn’t ordered anything either. 

Well, it’s quarantine season y’all and I’ve done a metric fuck-ton of online ordering so I’m assuming that I just forgot I ordered something.  Either way it ought to be a fun surprise. 

I get there, check in and am notified that my item is too big to fit in the pick up box.  I’m told someone is wheeling my package up as we speak.  (That’s 567 years in Walmart time by the way) 

Anyway, the little Walmart man rounds the corner and it’s another giant ass pool!! I wait a bit and make that man call out the owner of the package.  Yup, it’s me.  I  have A good laugh and load that fucker into the truck and head home. 

When I pull into the driveway I’m still laughing at the absurdity of now having 2 pools that my husband didn’t want in the first place. (My husband just chuckled and shook his head as he’s used to my shenanigans by now) 

But hey...I’ve got a free giant ass pool. 

Here’s where that bible reading shit comes in....

Up until this point the Bible sections have been pretty random.  Typical bible stuff: don’t kill, plagues, wars, creation, washing feet....

That all changed the night I brought home the devil pool.  

I get Ready for bed and read my 10 chapters.

I SHIT YOU NOT- at least 7 of the 10 chapters were about thieves, stealing or being dishonest.  I assume that this is all in my head....you know I’m already thinking these things so I’m finding it in everything I read. 

This happens for the next 3 nights.  

My conscience and the Bible get the better of me so I load up this giant ass pool and decide to bring it back. 

Easy right... “Hi Walmart person.  I bought one pool and you  gave me two. Here have this back, your welcome.  Yeah you have a great day too!” 

Abso-fucking-lutely not how it went... 

Here’s the play by play: 

I walk up to the customer service desk and talk to the “service” lady.  Well call her CSL. 

Me: Um, yeah I bought one pool but you sent me 2 delivery notices so I picked up 2 pool.  I’d like to return one. 

CSL: Do you have your receipt?  I can’t give you a refund without your receipt. 

Me:  No, I don't have my receipt, but I don’t want a refund I just want to give you your pool back. 

CSL: Well I can give you a store credit... 

Me: No, look....I bought one pool and I picked up 2.  I just want to give you back one. No money, no refunds, I just want to give you back the extra pool. 

CSL: Well our system doesn’t work that way.  You must have bought 2 by accident.  It wouldn’t give you two pools.  If you can’t find your receipt or your online order I can give you a refund.  If not I’ll just give you a gift card with the refund on that. 

Me:  (I find My online order and pull up my bank account to verify and show the lady” Here, look.  I bought One pool.  Paid for one pool.  I have 2 please just take this pool and let me leave. 

CSL: (confused as all hell at this point) We’ll if you don’t want a refund I don’t have anything to scan and you can’t sign anything so i don’t know how to take the pool back. 

Me: ok, I tried. How about I just walk away and we can forget this conversation. 

CSL: No, hold on...let me call someone else. 

At this point I’m thinking this is my payback...but it gets so much more ridiculous.

Out comes 2nd customer service lady who is equally as dumbfounded.  We’ll call her 2.  Lady 1 gives her the run down. And she looks at me and says 

2: Our system won’t allow you to pick up 2 items.  Are you sure you didn’t buy 2 by accident 

Me: 200% positive I did not.  See. Here is my order, here is my bank statement.  Believe me...had I bought $800 in pools instead of $400 in pools I would have most certainly noticed. 

2: Well I can give you a store credit for the pool but not a refund cause you don’t have a receipt. 

Me: OMG...I don’t want a refund, I don’t want a credit, I don’t want a gift card.  I just one of you people in the blue vests to come get this pool out of my truck and take it away from me for the love of god.  

2: Looks me dead ass in the eyes and says “I would Have just kept the free pool.  Why didn’t you just keep it and sell it or something” 

Me: That was the plan...but the damn bible....you know what, never mind.  I’ll just take the pool home and sell it.  Yes, great idea.  I should have thought of that. Thanks! 

I have given up and I turn to leave... of course this lady stops me.

2: Well no, not that I know I cant Just give you the pool. 

Me: (now laughing in absolute horror because I am realizing  I will never leave this fucking store...) ok, well can someone just come take this damn pool out of my truck then. 

2: ok, let me call the loss prevention supervisor. 

I begin to panic a little here because I worked at Walmart for about a week back in the early 90’s and that’s what we called the people who caught shop lifters. 

My fears are gone when I see A 17 year old kid with a red scraggly beard come around the corner.  (I can drop him easy and run if I have to)

He has a look of utter confusion on his face but thank the fucking stars he’s got wheely cart.  

We’ll call him #3. 

One and two give 3 the rundown.  

3 turns to me and says “you know I cant Give you a refund without a receipt” 

Here we go.....

Me: Yes, I don’t want a refund, or credit.  Look I’ve got a $20 in my purse.  I will give you $20 if you just wheel this fucking cart to my truck and put the pool in it and take it away and let me go home to my family 

3: (Looking at the other 2) I cant just put this in the back without having something to scan... 

Me: you know what....give me a refund on a gift card and just keep the card.  Please just take this motherfucking pool away from me and let me go home, it’s getting late. 

3: Well I cant do that either, but I guess I’ll just go get the pool and figure it out.

Me: YES!!DO THAT!! That is PERFECT!! 

So we wheel out to my truck and I open the hatch,  3 stops.  “You sure you didn’t pay for 2 pools?  Maybe you deserve a refund.  Do you want to check again? 

Me: No at this point it is worth the $400 to just get rid of this pool so I can leave this place. 

3 finally gets to unloading the devil pool.  (Remember he’s a scrawny kid) I’m holding the cart and he’s maneuvering the pool. We’re about 3” from freedom when the angels of satan #4 and #5 show up. 

They see #3 struggling with this pool and run over and grab the pool box and cram it back INSIDE my truck. 

Me: OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!! No! Take it out!  Not in!! 

Well number 4 or 5 must have been a manager... we give him the rundown and he starts in with “they system doesn’t work that way, need a receipt for a refund....” 

By now I’m thinking of just leaving the pool and the truck and getting an Uber and just cutting my losses. 

I stop them all when we get to the receipts and credits discussion and say “Look, no refunds, no credits, you can unload this pool and take it away or I am going to get in the back and kick this motherfucker out and leave it in the parking lot.  I am two hours into this debacle.  For the love of god can you please just take the damn pool” 

Thank you tiny baby Jesus they took the pool and I finally got to come home. 

We will be setting up our bought-and-paid-for-pool this weekend and moving on.....My conscience feels better but my brain still hurts. 

This is how I know God’s got jokes and Walmart is the devil. 

....and if you ever accidentally get 2 of something from Walmart just leave it at the fucking door and RUN!!! 

Thanks for playing 

~Ash

So....a baby shower?

Introducing Derek's new baby: a 112lb-6oz , 181 month old  baby girl!!!

Yep, you read that right.... We have a new Yaste in the house. 

Kaitlynn is officially Kaitlynn Michael Yaste! Derek finally adopted his biggest, most obnoxious baby. 

We're thinking of having a baby shower - only there will be booze and please bring $20's instead of diapers (just give them to the teenager - she takes them all anyway) 

It's finally official: as of December 28, 2018 Derek is Kaitlynn's legal father.  I'm so happy!

Happy that Kaitlynn has a dad that that adores her the way Derek does, happy that Derek gets to say she's legally his daughter, happy that now they'll quit bugging me not to die for fear of where she'll go..... 

It's weird - so much has changed legally, but not a thing has changed in our day to day lives.  It's huge and nothing all at once. It feels like it should have always been this way.  

Before we all go about our normal days I wanted to leave both my daughter and my husband a few of my thoughts.  We all know I don't really do "feelings" so I'm going to write them.  I'm also going to post them on my public blog in case you ever want to reference them again also because I really need to start posting again.  (I really need you kids to start being entertaining again....)

Anyway,

To my Daughter:

I know this is an amazing moment for you and I am so happy for all of us. 

I also know that it is or at some point will be both amazing and bittersweet. Don't let the sting of the actions of others taint your happiness today or your self worth EVER.  

In life you will undoubtedly encounter people and situations that will make you question your worth.  When that time comes remember Dec. 28, 2019.  

Remember the past 9 years.  

Remember the man who loved you at first sight.  

The man that continued to love you for another 9 years knowing you would probably always be "just kind of his" and he might always be just a step-dad.  

Remember the man who loved you no different and no less even if he was just your step dad because you were worth it.  

Remember the man that told you he loved you even after you screwed up.  

Remember all of that and understand that he didn't have to.  

He didn't have to love you like his. 

He didn't have to enjoy being with you. 

He didn't have to enjoy being a step dad.  

Remember and understand those things and know in your heart that he didn't have to but he did.  

He did because of you.  

He loved you because of you, he cared for you and took care of you because of you.  

Because you, my beautiful, strong, sensitive, funny daughter; you are worth every bit of that love. 

If you ever doubt that or wonder if you are enough re-read this and know that you absolutely are.  You are deserving of love and respect and time and laughter and all of the good things in life.  You will always be worth it and you will always be enough.   When the world seems to hate you and it feels like life is crashing around you know that your father and I will always be here and we will always love you.  

To my Husband:

Thank you.  

Thank you for loving me and loving my daughter unconditionally and without stipulations. 

Thank you for being a dad to a little girl who desperately needed one but wasn't always easy to love.  Thank you for never opting out, never backing down and always being there for her.  

Thank you for acting like a father even when it wasn't your responsibility or fun or easy.  

Thank you for sharing in the sleepless nights and the frustrations and the joys and the celebrations equally.  Thank you for being present in her life no matter what.

Thank you for always being there for a little girl that was used to being let down.  For showing her that dad's do keep their word and love is unconditional.

Thank you for showing her what it's like to be a priority.

Thank you for never once giving up on any of us.  It's been a long road to this day- we have had ups and downs and even some sideways, but we've gotten through it together.   

I couldn't have done any of this without you, your encouragement and support.  I couldn't have picked a better father for my children.  

You are kind and patient and strong and most of all loving.

You make us all feel loved and safe.  You are our safe place.  Home is not the same when your gone.  I love watching you with our children.  I love how much you love them.  I love how much you love all of us.  

They might learn how to wire a furnace from me, but they will be good people because of what they learn from you.

Thank you for being my partner, my best friend and best the father to all of our children.

If I die tomorrow I'm content knowing that they have you to love and protect them. (I'll also haunt you if you ever re-marry - don't bother.  -just an FYI)

I'm so happy for you both.  

You both deserve this and all the amazing things life has to offer. 

Random New Years Reflections

Holy shit another year has come and gone. 

IT"S 2019!         

 (and here are some of my random thoughts at the beginning of a new year...) 

It’s been 10 years since my dad passed.  

I have 2 children he’s never met and countless stories he’ll never hear.  I have a husband who he would have adored.  (He would have driven Derek insane...)

It’s so odd this whole loss and grief thing....maybe it’s because it’s been 10 years or maybe because he wasn’t a constant presence in my life but it’s not raw and painful. If I'm being honest I don't know that it ever was... 

Don't get me wrong.  I loved him and I grieved his death.  The days leading to and right after were some of the hardest I've ever had to face.  But the absence was a familiar presence in our relationship - It wasn't a gaping hole that just materialized one day.  No contact and sporadic contact was the norm for us.

I'll go spans of time without thinking about him, then out of the blue, for a split second I’ll think of calling or I'll find myself wondering how he’s doing, then I remember...he’s gone.  

He was an addict and our relationship was difficult at the best of times, but I don’t regret any of it.  

From a young age I had to be the one to set boundaries or to walk away when my father wasn't capable of being a positive presence in my life.  I also had to learn to accept those times he chose to walk away.  I had to learn to continue on with my "normal" life. 

It was definitely hard and confusing, but I gained so much.

I gained the ability to stand up for myself, I know how to say no, I know how to walk away from anything that isn’t good for me, i know how to separate others actions from my self worth.  I've learned that I can be enough for myself. 

That last one, the self worth was hard earned.  I took a very long time to  really get it, but it's the most important lesson I’ve ever learned.  

I owe that to two of the most important women in my life.  Two women who are the best examples of strong, courageous women, wives and mothers that anyone could ever have.  

Those two are my Mom and my nannie Dette (godmother for all you yankees).

Hopefully I'll be like you two when I grow up  ;) 

Hopefully my daughter will see me in the same light as I see you two.

 You're both so different and so much alike.  You've endured more than your share of struggles and you've done it with humor and love and grace.  

You've come out the other side of all of those struggles not jaded or cynical but stronger and with a purpose.

When I was young I remember crying to my nannie because of some situation going on with my dad.  I don't remember the situation and I don't really remember our whole conversation.  What I do remember asking is why - why doesn't he love me enough to be normal and saying how mad I was because it just want fair.  

I'll never forget her words  - "he loves you as much as he can.  He doesn't choose to love you less.  He loves you differently because that's all he's capable of"

She also told me that once I understood that I might be able to understand and not be so angry and one day it clicked - my fathers issues had nothing to do with me or how I measured up.  He wasn't aiming to hurt me, just doing all he was capable of at the time.  Once I was able to see that it wasn't a reflection of me I was able to see him for what he was- a sick man doing what he could at that moment in time.  It didn't "fix" any of his issues or make our relationship magically better - I was just able to get rid of the anger and love him in spite of everything.  

So thank you Nannie - not just for all those caramel pecan logs and the bible verses and the fun sleepovers, but for playing such a huge part helping me to be a whole and healthy person.  thank you for listening to me and giving me advice.  Thank you for always having fried seafood when I show up!

Then there's my momma.  She's literally the best person on the planet.  Without her I'd have been in a box under a bridge somewhere.  Literally...she was a single mom. Like I would have been totally screwed if she decided momming wasn't her thing...

Momming was TOTALLY her thing...she's achieved sorcerer mom level (that's when your 38 year old daughter calls you to ask how to cook things or if she needs a tetanus shot or to bitch about her kids and then profusely apologize for what a shitty teenager she was) 

But seriously, my mom is the reason I am who I am. She's the reason I get up and go to work and try to be the best version of myself that I can.  When I feel like throwing in the towel and going live in a van down by the river I'm reminded of everything she has overcome and then I realize what a whiny asshole I'm being. 

If you've never met my mom there are a few things to know about her.  She's had cancer 3 times now, she's overcome numerous health scares including a stroke.  She's been married to a handful of shit bags who didn't deserve her (I'm not referring to anyone that's presently around) and made her life even harder.  Most normal people would have given up.  

Not her...actually the opposite.  She has persevered through every obstacle thrown her way.   She didn't become cynical or depressed.  She just got up every day and did what needed to be done. She did it all with humor and grace.  She's an amazing woman.  She can bake an apple pie,  recite the saints offensive line (and tell you just who screwed up when), sew legit clothes and curse you lower than a dog all before dinnertime without breaking a sweat.

I could go on for days about all of the things she's done but it's not individual things shes done for me its the perspective I've gained just watching her be her.  She was told she wouldn't live during the cancer, she couldn't drive with the stroke, must be her after the divorces.  

She's alive, she drives (god help all you people on Hwy 70), and she's happily married to one of the best men ever.  She's also still funny as hell.  

Growing up with her I learned that the only limit I have is myself.  That my happiness is dependent on me, not my situation or others around me.  A shitty circumstance is not a reason to be a shitty person nor is it a reason to give up.  She taught me how to write a nasty letter and still keep it professional, how to tell someone to fuck off without saying a single curse word, and that sometimes you throw all of that advice to the wind and tell someone to fuck off - in those words.  

She taught me how to know the difference between those two situations.  

She taught me how to laugh at myself and find the humor in any situation. She made sure I never took myself too seriously.

She showed me every day that I was worth her time and effort.  

She doesn't mince words and she's told me more than once that I disappointed her.  As a matter of fact the exact statement was "I don't like you right now, but I love you and I always will."  (usually followed up with how long I was grounded for)

She was tough - she put the fear of god in me.  She raised me to say yes mam and no sir and to respect my elders.  She'd whip my ass if I needed it and she was my cheerleader when I succeeded.

She never took the easy route...in anything - apparently it's hereditary...I'm so glad it is.  

Life hasn't always been easy; it hasn't always been kind or fair but because of her I've been well equipped to roll with the punches and laugh instead of crying.

All of the good things I am capable of, I learned from her.

Most of her mom duties are over now and since then I've gained an amazing friend which is almost better (I can say fuck in front of her and drink and smoke around her too). 

I'll be going into 2019 thankful for all that I have and all that I've experienced.  

In 38 years many people have come through my life.  I'm thankful for every one of them. They've all changed me in some way.  I'm thankful for the good times and shitty ones - the uncomfortable ones too.  It's all made me who I am today. 

Thank you all for being a part of my life.  

(especially the hubs who puts up with me on the regular)