Random New Years Reflections

Holy shit another year has come and gone. 

IT"S 2019!         

 (and here are some of my random thoughts at the beginning of a new year...) 

It’s been 10 years since my dad passed.  

I have 2 children he’s never met and countless stories he’ll never hear.  I have a husband who he would have adored.  (He would have driven Derek insane...)

It’s so odd this whole loss and grief thing....maybe it’s because it’s been 10 years or maybe because he wasn’t a constant presence in my life but it’s not raw and painful. If I'm being honest I don't know that it ever was... 

Don't get me wrong.  I loved him and I grieved his death.  The days leading to and right after were some of the hardest I've ever had to face.  But the absence was a familiar presence in our relationship - It wasn't a gaping hole that just materialized one day.  No contact and sporadic contact was the norm for us.

I'll go spans of time without thinking about him, then out of the blue, for a split second I’ll think of calling or I'll find myself wondering how he’s doing, then I remember...he’s gone.  

He was an addict and our relationship was difficult at the best of times, but I don’t regret any of it.  

From a young age I had to be the one to set boundaries or to walk away when my father wasn't capable of being a positive presence in my life.  I also had to learn to accept those times he chose to walk away.  I had to learn to continue on with my "normal" life. 

It was definitely hard and confusing, but I gained so much.

I gained the ability to stand up for myself, I know how to say no, I know how to walk away from anything that isn’t good for me, i know how to separate others actions from my self worth.  I've learned that I can be enough for myself. 

That last one, the self worth was hard earned.  I took a very long time to  really get it, but it's the most important lesson I’ve ever learned.  

I owe that to two of the most important women in my life.  Two women who are the best examples of strong, courageous women, wives and mothers that anyone could ever have.  

Those two are my Mom and my nannie Dette (godmother for all you yankees).

Hopefully I'll be like you two when I grow up  ;) 

Hopefully my daughter will see me in the same light as I see you two.

 You're both so different and so much alike.  You've endured more than your share of struggles and you've done it with humor and love and grace.  

You've come out the other side of all of those struggles not jaded or cynical but stronger and with a purpose.

When I was young I remember crying to my nannie because of some situation going on with my dad.  I don't remember the situation and I don't really remember our whole conversation.  What I do remember asking is why - why doesn't he love me enough to be normal and saying how mad I was because it just want fair.  

I'll never forget her words  - "he loves you as much as he can.  He doesn't choose to love you less.  He loves you differently because that's all he's capable of"

She also told me that once I understood that I might be able to understand and not be so angry and one day it clicked - my fathers issues had nothing to do with me or how I measured up.  He wasn't aiming to hurt me, just doing all he was capable of at the time.  Once I was able to see that it wasn't a reflection of me I was able to see him for what he was- a sick man doing what he could at that moment in time.  It didn't "fix" any of his issues or make our relationship magically better - I was just able to get rid of the anger and love him in spite of everything.  

So thank you Nannie - not just for all those caramel pecan logs and the bible verses and the fun sleepovers, but for playing such a huge part helping me to be a whole and healthy person.  thank you for listening to me and giving me advice.  Thank you for always having fried seafood when I show up!

Then there's my momma.  She's literally the best person on the planet.  Without her I'd have been in a box under a bridge somewhere.  Literally...she was a single mom. Like I would have been totally screwed if she decided momming wasn't her thing...

Momming was TOTALLY her thing...she's achieved sorcerer mom level (that's when your 38 year old daughter calls you to ask how to cook things or if she needs a tetanus shot or to bitch about her kids and then profusely apologize for what a shitty teenager she was) 

But seriously, my mom is the reason I am who I am. She's the reason I get up and go to work and try to be the best version of myself that I can.  When I feel like throwing in the towel and going live in a van down by the river I'm reminded of everything she has overcome and then I realize what a whiny asshole I'm being. 

If you've never met my mom there are a few things to know about her.  She's had cancer 3 times now, she's overcome numerous health scares including a stroke.  She's been married to a handful of shit bags who didn't deserve her (I'm not referring to anyone that's presently around) and made her life even harder.  Most normal people would have given up.  

Not her...actually the opposite.  She has persevered through every obstacle thrown her way.   She didn't become cynical or depressed.  She just got up every day and did what needed to be done. She did it all with humor and grace.  She's an amazing woman.  She can bake an apple pie,  recite the saints offensive line (and tell you just who screwed up when), sew legit clothes and curse you lower than a dog all before dinnertime without breaking a sweat.

I could go on for days about all of the things she's done but it's not individual things shes done for me its the perspective I've gained just watching her be her.  She was told she wouldn't live during the cancer, she couldn't drive with the stroke, must be her after the divorces.  

She's alive, she drives (god help all you people on Hwy 70), and she's happily married to one of the best men ever.  She's also still funny as hell.  

Growing up with her I learned that the only limit I have is myself.  That my happiness is dependent on me, not my situation or others around me.  A shitty circumstance is not a reason to be a shitty person nor is it a reason to give up.  She taught me how to write a nasty letter and still keep it professional, how to tell someone to fuck off without saying a single curse word, and that sometimes you throw all of that advice to the wind and tell someone to fuck off - in those words.  

She taught me how to know the difference between those two situations.  

She taught me how to laugh at myself and find the humor in any situation. She made sure I never took myself too seriously.

She showed me every day that I was worth her time and effort.  

She doesn't mince words and she's told me more than once that I disappointed her.  As a matter of fact the exact statement was "I don't like you right now, but I love you and I always will."  (usually followed up with how long I was grounded for)

She was tough - she put the fear of god in me.  She raised me to say yes mam and no sir and to respect my elders.  She'd whip my ass if I needed it and she was my cheerleader when I succeeded.

She never took the easy route...in anything - apparently it's hereditary...I'm so glad it is.  

Life hasn't always been easy; it hasn't always been kind or fair but because of her I've been well equipped to roll with the punches and laugh instead of crying.

All of the good things I am capable of, I learned from her.

Most of her mom duties are over now and since then I've gained an amazing friend which is almost better (I can say fuck in front of her and drink and smoke around her too). 

I'll be going into 2019 thankful for all that I have and all that I've experienced.  

In 38 years many people have come through my life.  I'm thankful for every one of them. They've all changed me in some way.  I'm thankful for the good times and shitty ones - the uncomfortable ones too.  It's all made me who I am today. 

Thank you all for being a part of my life.  

(especially the hubs who puts up with me on the regular)